how to win the heart of a woman...

its not easy to get to the heart of a person, to know them inside and out and to understand what they're feeling before they actually feel it or experience it.  i've learned over the last 9 years that the way into a woman's heart, a mother's heart, is through her children.  its through compassion, its through kindness, its through remembering the small things, like sending the kids a birthday card, making them smile, giving them the "perfect" birthday gift.  its in the look in their eyes when they see that child happy.  a mother's happiness is directly related to that of their children.  in seeing someone put another persons child ahead of themselves.  when a mother's babies are happy, they too are happy.  when their babies are sad... they too experience that sadness.  its not material things, its the small things...  the easiest way to win my heart is through my kids.  and the fastest way out of my life is to hurt them or disappoint them...

always around the holidays...

have i honestly ever said that here?  i really do hate the holidays.  this usually begins after halloween, which is a holiday that i truly enjoy.  the drop comes around Nov 1st and lasts typically until new years.  yep, a long 2 months.  a long, agonizing two months.  long enough to need some pharmaceutical help, but not long enough to need full on anti depressants.  let me go back... so when i got divorced, almost 5 years ago, along came the custody agreement, and with that comes empty holidays.  this year i do not have my boys on thanksgiving, and it will just be me, my mom and aileen.  the rest of my moms family are going elsewhere.  while i love my mother and am grateful she's having us over, im saddened because i dont get to spend that quality time with my angels.  we do pick them up the day after thanksgiving at 9am and then are headed to NY to see Aileen's family.  which will be a much needed change of scenery.  that is if her sister doesnt drink herself into oblivion and davie doesnt make me insane with his strange commentary and odd behaviors.

this week has been exceptionally bad.  recovering from surgery, been home from work for 3 weeks, bored out of my mind, and then throw in that i lost a good friend because of facebook political commentary, she basically deleted me without even a note to say why... and her son is friends with my kids, so that makes it difficult.  we've agreed to not allow this to come in between their relationships, albeit difficult.

my paternal uncle basically "disowned" me because of my political beliefs and my quirky and dry sense of humor, then i find out today that not only does my uncle not accept me, but neither does the father that i've tried to reconnect with.  and my uncle was the one three years ago who tried to bring my boys and i into this family again.  i talked to my paternal aunt today, and while she and i will remain in contact, i have chosen to keep myself and my boys away from that toxic mess of a family.  i lived 33 years without the presence of my father, and i can live many more in the same fashion.  i will miss getting to know my brothers, but, i have to say, they've rarely made contact either, and the few times they have its been because they needed something.  my father's family are a bunch of fuck ups, crude, irrational and plain old mean individuals.  i should be happy to see them go for good, with a sense of closure, but rather i have a sense of loss.  not primarily for me, but for my boys.  i want a stable life for them, and no matter how hard i try, i just cannot get there.

i received a phone call yesterday from my first ex husbands sister, what i thought was going to be a friendly "how have you been call" turned out to be a "so i was going through moms stuff and she had a note that stated she loaned you money about 5 years ago... well, we need that money back..."  when my ex mother in law loaned me that money it was basically stated to me that i didnt need to pay her back, that if i could then that would be great but if i couldnt then that was okay too.  now my ex mother in law has early onset dementia and her daughter has taken her in and taken over her finances, goes through the old house and finds some note her mom wrote... and to top it off, threatens to take me to court if i dont start paying.  i told her i'd do what i can, but i cant promise anything steady.  you cant get money when there is none there.  there was no legally binding contract, i thought she was helping me... i thought she was being kind as she always had.  now, this women who doesnt recognize me, remember me, nor my children, who has let her house go to foreclosure and moved to NC, is going to take me to court?  highly doubtful, but saddens me just the same.  i lost her son as a friend a few months ago over some comments he made regarding my life choices... i guess i've lost his mom and sister too.  

then this afternoon.  relationships are hard.  sometimes i wonder whether the work "pays off" in the end.  with my kids, always.  hard work=good children who are loving, kind, compassionate and overall amazing.  romantic relationships are much more difficult.  this morning, spent some time with john.  it was great, breakfast, movie, laughter, and fun.  i left to go to the grocery, he had a commitment to attend to.  he promised to come over afterwards.  430pm came around, i knew how far away he was, and i knew there was no way he'd be able to come over and spend quality time because he has to work tomorrow morning.  so i told him to forget it, stay home.  im the type of person who an hour isnt enough, 30 minutes isnt enough.  not when you want to spend every waking moment with that person, so that quick 60 minutes goes by to fast, leaves me saddened, and heartbroken because i didnt get more time.  

i am the type of person who needs a set schedule with mapped out times for everything.  i need structure, a plan and rules.  i need boundaries, i need foundations.  i need to know that i have the time set aside for the things i have planned.  for example, i picked up some things to make for dinner when he came over.  figured i'd finish my cookie baking and then we'd have a nice dinner together and watch a show and he'd head home.  i counted on a minimum of 3 hours.  he couldnt give me that, so i panicked.  i felt let down.  i felt hurt that he scheduled something in between our time together which impinged on my evening plans.  and this commitment, was one more of hobby than of necessity.  i understand that he is passionate about this hobby, but to cut our only day together in little pieces so you could do ninja twice in a day?  either sketchy and not true, or to me, shows that our time isnt as important.  if you cant keep promises, dont make them.  these were plans i had counted on since i wont see him again until at the earliest next monday or tuesday.  and thats if he doesnt work... then wednesday, my reality of work returns and time will be minimal.  makes me sad.  i feel let down.  i know he loves me, sometimes i wonder if its enough though.  he's quite younger than me, i still have my doubts about his present living situation and his honesty with those he's closest to about our relationship.  most days i figure its just that we just havent figured out how to balance his carefree nature, and my need to have every second of my life worked out to a minute detail.    other days i wonder if we ever will get there.  

but you cannot help who you love, how you love and who you are.  i've had a lot of "loss" this week, and right now, i've not had a dry eye since writing this.  i hope i dont have this to look forward to for the next month... please Jan 2, hurry up and get here so i can start a new year, maybe this one will bring more smiles than tears.  

its amazing

how three little words can mean so much, change a mood, and change life courses.  those words are

"In a Relationship"

i hate seeing those words.  anger, fear, animosity, jealousy, sadness, despondency, and uncertainty.

i really dont like those words.  have i said that yet?

rashes left unnoticed.

about 4 weeks ago i noticed a red, unraised rash area under my left breast.  it was oval shaped, didnt itch, wasnt scaly, and looked just like some type of contact rash.  i figured it was from a bra that irritated the skin.  i left it alone, thinking it would go away... a week or so later, it was still there, and along side of it was another few oval shaped spots... again, no symptoms, so i left it alone.  last week i noticed my entire trunk was covered with these spots.  my back, my abdomen, my flank, and above my butt.  i then finally decided then it was time to get it looked at.  i spoke with a PA friend of mine at work who used to work for a dermatologist office, she thought it was ringworm... so she prescribed me a cream, i got it right away and applied.  where the heck did i get ringworm and why doesnt it itch were my first thoughts.  how can it be i've had this for almost 4 weeks and no one else in the house has come down with spots as ringworm is super contagious.  

at the same time, i've also been battling a sinus infection for about 3 to 4 weeks now.  started off typical for me, stuffy nose, discharge, no symptoms otherwise, no fever, or sore throat.  it then settled into my chest after three weeks and i decided to go to the MD for treatment.  while there, i had her look at my rash.  come to find out, its not ringworm, but a viral rash called pityriasis rosea.  http://www.skinsight.com/adult/pityriasisRosea.htm.   this rash is caused by a virus, typically comes on after the onset of a cold, and takes 6 weeks to 6 months to go away.  there is no treatment.  generally occurs once in life and hits people aged 10-35.  go figure.  no long term sequelae, however, one of the biggest side effects is chronic fatigue syndrome.  i had noticed about a month ago that i had lost any interest of doing much besides lounging and watching movies.  i slept a lot... now i know why.  this rash has halted any desire to lose weight, exercise or socialize with the outside world.  

its been pretty miserable dealing with a sinus infection, the daily stressors of a full time career, a hectic kid schedule and the fatigue associated with this rash.  somedays it overwhelms me.  this week alone i have been leaving work as early as i can, just to come home to rest.  some days are better than others.  today i feel good... tomorrow, well, we will see then.  

i wish life wasnt so difficult and i could just get a break....  

I wish

I were lovable

I was not broken

A used toy, left to rust

I could smile again

Feel loved

Love without pain

Love without sorrow

Love and trust

Not be hurt, time and time again

I could pick myself up, start life anew

Find happiness and smile.

Like the 21 year old girl

Who first learned to live and love

Only to lose again.

She existed once.

Smiled and trusted.

She knew she was worthless, but she smiled anyway.

With each broken promise, with each vow renewed, she knew, this too will end.

Nothing lasts forever.

Nothing except for the pain

The anguish

The despair.

Powerful yet helpless

Its All Alright...

 All Alright - FUN

And it's all alright. 
I guess it's all alright. 
I got nothing left inside of my chest, 
But it's all alright. 
Yeah, it's all alright. 
I guess it's all alright. 
I got nothing left inside of my chest, 
But it's all alright. 

And I got the call soon as the day hit night. 
As soon as the headlights lit up the Westside. 
I stopped the car and came outside 
Cause I know that tone. 
I remember the first time 
We wished upon parallel lines. 
Waiting for a friend to call 
And say they're still alive. 
I've given everyone I know 
A good reason to go. 
I was surprised you stuck around 
Long enough to figure out 

That it's all alright. 
I guess it's all alright. 
I got nothing left inside of my chest, 
But it's all alright. 
Yeah, it's all alright. 
I guess it's all alright. 
I got nothing left inside of my chest, 
But it's all alright. 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/f/fun/all+alright_20989903.html ] 
And now all my loves that come back to haunt me. 
My regrets and texts sent to taunt me. 
I never claimed to be more than a one-night stand 
I've given everyone I know 
A good reason to go. 
But I came back with the belief 
That everyone I love is gonna leave me. 

And it's all alright. 
I guess it's all alright. 
I got nothing left inside of my chest, 
But it's all alright. 
And it's all alright. 
I guess it's all alright. 
I got nothing left inside of my chest, 
But it's all all 

And I know, ohh nooo, 
You've fallen from the sun. 
Crashing through the clouds. 
I see you burning out. 
And I know, ohh nooo, 
That I put up a front 
But maybe, just this once, 
Let me keep this one. 

And it's all alright. 
I guess it's all alright. 
I got nothing left inside of my chest, 
But it's all alright. 
And it's all alright. 
I guess it's all alright. 
I got nothing left inside of my chest, 
But it's all alright. 
Yeah, it's all alright. 
I guess it's all alright. 
I got nothing left inside of my chest, 
But it's all alright. 
And it's all alright 
I guess it's all alright. 
I got nothing left inside of my chest, 
But it's all alright...

So this song pretty much reflects how i feel some days.  a few weeks ago i had a conversation with a good friend, and former husband, Keith about how things have been lately.  after almost 4 months, i finally got the nerve up to tell him that aileen and i have broken up.  he sighed loudly, and then asked me what the fuck was wrong with me, that i just lost the best thing in my life and that i am going to end up alone, just like my mother.  wow.  that was nice.  of course following this he stated he means no harm, but just stating what he sees.  then he recommended i seek counseling because i cannot make any relationship work.  i agree, i may need counseling (who doesnt?) but its not his right to judge my decisions when he is not a regular part of my life.  

i've pondered this information for about a week now (started writing this blog a bit ago...) and have come to the conclusion that its not that i cannot make "any" relationship work.  i most certainly can make them work, but for me, personally, it takes all different types of relationships in order to make me fully happy and i constantly do live in fear that if i get to close to someone they will leave.  for example... lets throw some things out there... i have aileen, my bestfriend in the entire world, my confidante, the person i can trust to see me when im a hot mess and loves me anyway.  shes there when i hit my perpetual bottom, and she's there to help me rebuild, or to build myself back up again.  she's my anchor.  she grounds me.  she is the one person in my life that i know i can count on... she is the one who has stuck around through all of my ups and downs.  fairly recently there is john.  he makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he reminds me of what its like to be young and carefree and he makes me remember how easy life was before obligations, before kids, and before careers.  he was fun to play with and be intimate with because he lived in the now, unlike me, who likes to plan my life 6 months in advance.... even if i may procrastinate about it.  

my life is by no means complete, i have a long way to go... but i dont believe that (i) can be fully happy with just one person, i cannot find everything i need in one human being.  call this poly if you wish... but its how i feel.  it seems to me that there is too much pressure to be everything to one person.  the pressure is unfair and unnecessary when there are so many other people in the world that can help complete you.  im not saying that sex with everyone is necessary, its not all physical, and that need may just be filled by one person, or two... but traits found in one person might not be in another.  i seem to crave different things at different times.  sometimes i want wild and free, other times i want to be grounded in family and home, then i hit my creative side and want to leave everything and start that coffee shop i've always wanted to own in seattle, and following that thought comes my dose of reality bringing me back to earth where i know that its not realistic and just stick to nursing... im good at it.  there is the person who wants to complete a long distance bike race, become a fitness professional and get in the best shape of my life... but there is the little devil on my shoulder telling me that it cannot be done, that im too busy and its not feasible.  there is a part of me that wants to start doing mixed martial arts, i find it exhilarating and exciting and would love to learn... but fear the failure that may come from trying.  

so reflecting on what keith said left me feeling less than "good enough" and i honestly did feel like a horrible human being... but over time, thinking about things... i realized that there isnt anything "wrong" with me.  im different, different from him, different from the republican, christian ideal that he lives.  we all have different families, we all have different ideas of what family looks like.  growing up mine was me, my mom and my grandmother, my kids have divorced parents and step families, mine is just a bit different than his, and thats okay.  my choice to end my physical relationship with aileen was a tough decision, but it was what i felt was necessary for me.  but ending the physical did not end the friendship.  she is still the best person i've ever known and will continue to be part of my life.  one day i will have all that i need, i truly believe this, and yes, that will probably include a few different people to fill different needs... but its "all alright."  

another milestone

yesterday i heard the words i definitely did not want to hear... i should never get pregnant again because of the ventral hernia that i developed after my youngest was born.  to spare you the long story, following his birth, i had to have emergency surgery to correct a congenital deformity of my small intestine.  being left home with a newborn and an 18 month old right after surgery because my then husband had to travel and having to carry them around and take care of a house, essentially alone, i developed a hernia where they restitched the muscle back together.  i've been dealing with this hernia for 7 years now and finally decided that in november i will have it repaired.  after extensive research online about pregnancy following hernia surgery i learned that if i were to get pregnant after the repair, i should wait at least 5 years to allow the mesh to seat itself with my natural tissue... im 35, nearing 36.  my chances of ever carrying a child again are scant.  

i know it seems strange to hear me talking about having a child, but for the past year, its been close to all i've thought about. how nice it would be to have a baby at home to take care of and raise, one that i woudldnt have to "give up" every week and send back to their other parents house... couple this with the fact that recently i've known two moms who have either had their baby, or are having their baby and im left saddened by this news.  

i have two amazingly talented, beautiful boys that i gave birth to and are the loves of my life and for that i am blessed.  they are both healthy, happy (essentially), and well adjusted young men and every single day i thank god for their presence in my life.  but a part of me aches to feel those little butterfly movements, to feel that amazing bond of giving birth and yes, even the sleepless nights and midnight feedings.  

right now my heart is heavy... i know all things happen for a reason, and one day the reason will be apparent, but for now, i am grieving the loss of my future ability to have another baby... wishing i had taken care of this years ago, wishing that i just had more time... and hoping that things turn out well in november.  

Symbolic?

My flowers finally died. A week and three days they lasted. I changed the water, cut them back twice, but still try died. It seems so symbolic that they would last such a short time. As it mimics the relationship I had with the giver, beautiful for the time being, but then it died. I know that everything, in time goes away or dies. It's the circle of life, and the story of mine. I had Aileen throw them out. I just couldn't bear to be the one to do it. But there they went, swiftly, into the garbage. I feel like those flowers. Tossed aside and mostly dead inside. I hope this subsides quickly. I want myself back.

two weeks, what will feel like 7 years im sure...

the only physical remnant of what was a long hour at the doctors office this morning.  if you read my last post then you read about my former partners "alleged" indiscretions.  today was the day that i set my fears to rest that i am STD free.  i arrived about 20 minutes early for the appointment, wanting to just get it over with.  i was called back, weighed (yikes) and height was taken 68.5 inches tall.  then led to the exam room i was asked the dreaded question as to what brought me there... i sighed, and just put it out there.  "i have concerns that my ex boyfriend was sleeping with people other than myself and i need to allay my fears of any STD's."  heather, my NP's trusty aide said "well, then we'll get this done and getcha moving... "  i dont know what to say to stuff like that.

so my NP walks in and says to me... "so... wasnt all he was supposed to be was he?  guys can be assholes crystal... you need to learn this and protect yourself..."  (insert mouth drop here.)  while i love the candidness of my NP, she's amazing.  i was a bit taken aback by her comment.  now mind you, she does see both my former partner and myself... so she already knew A's side of the story... So i ramble about the last 3 months and what happened.  turns out she's more concerned with my ability to not get hurt again and keep myself mentally safe than she is worried about the health of my girlie parts.  so we talk referrals to a counselor, i agree i need some coping skills, and we decide what tests to run.  thankfully i am "symptom free" so she decides that i just need to get some basics out of the way.  we test for clamidya (sp?), HIV, HEP C, Herpes, and pregnancy.  (im not having a baby... ) the other results will be back in about two weeks she said and unless they are positive i will get my little paper in the mail with the results and should have a repeat HIV in 6 weeks to confirm diagnosis.

i check out.  i walk to my car and i cry for a good 10 minutes before i make the drive home.  i cry out of relief that i went through with this appointment and will have peace of mind, i cry for the loss of the relationship that i thought would sustain me for the rest of my life, i cry for the loss of a friend whom i thought i had made out of this whole thing and i cry for myself, for having let my walls down, let someone else in, and gotten my ass handed to me on a platter of lies.

i still dont know what's true, whether he lied, (he still says he did not) what exactly he lied about and where things can go from here.  i just know that today i am a stronger person than yesterday, that i have the love of my bestfriend, my kids, and my family.  i know where my supports come from and i will better try to utilize them.  i'll look at my little venipuncture site as a battle scar, and when its gone i'll remember the things i have positive in my life... and i'll move on.  thats just what i do.  :)

lying and the ethics of a stable relationship...

sometimes lies are necessary in order to keep someone safe.  for example, i've lied to my children a time or two in order to protect them from knowing what a complete a-hole their father is.  but i adhere to the fact that lying (especially in a relationship) is never positive.  its never necessary, its never a good thing and it always (most certainly) ends in heartache.  sometimes to protect your loved one you are placed in the predicament of lying or telling the truth and sometimes the lie seems the easier route.  but is this ethical?  have i done it, yes.  little white lies... am i proud of that, not at all.  but... recently, i was at the receiving end of a string of lies that has left me questioning humanity and the goodness of people.  let me start.. (and i apologize, this will be long...)

i've been dating this guy... lets call him john.  john and i met through my former partner, she introduced us.  they worked together for the last two years.  my partner and i were into a "kinkier/bdsm" lifestyle than many we knew and we decided to bring him into our relationship... at first for "play" purposes only.  she had told him about it and wild eyed and excited he accepted the invitation.  we had many a playdate which left me satiated and happy, head in a tailspin and my heart sitting there on the blanket on the floor asking to be cared for.  he was a beautiful and intelligent specimen and i was instantly enamored by his looks, his sense of humor, his love of life and his laughable nature.  he and i continued to pursue things, text messages were exchanged and oops.... i fell in love.  yep, the love bug bit me and this made me question the very existence of the relationship i had been in for 4 years.  the "safe" relationship that i know i could always turn to.  she and i parted ways... not simply because of this new relationship, but it was a driving force which caused the relationship to end.

lets talk about "him" for a bit shall we?  since this is about him anyway... well, "john" had a girlfriend of 8 years... someone he claimed to love but was not in love with.  someone he said he had "disconnected" from quite a while ago... so while we were dating, they were still together in the beginning... i know, bad girl... but guess what... it does in fact take two people to make a relationship... and he was a willing partner.  he "apparently" ended things with her about 6 weeks ago and she's been "moving out" since then.  i've been accepting of this, knowing that these things take time.  i mean, my ex and i still live together, as we are best friends and raising children together.  its not an easy situation.  i was respectful... but things started getting really difficult when i began to put pressure and was not getting anything in return.  how can someone continue to "move" for this long knowing the person they've been with wants them to be gone...

fast forward to Saturday June 9th.  so, john had a tournament he was supposed to compete in.  his grandfather apparently got sick and was rushed to a hospital in NJ, to which john and his family went to in order to be by his side.  fair enough.  he's a "family oriented" person... so i get that...  he said he wasnt going to compete because he would not be home in time and i believed him... that is until my "gut" kicked in and told me something was wrong and i needed to research.  so i did.  i researched and saw he placed 4th in his division.  his name... right there, black and white... placed.  now... his story was that he registered so they automatically entered his name even though he didnt compete.  BULLSHIT.  i called the tournament director, i emailed him directly and they confirmed my suspicion.  he competed, and he placed.  i also had another 3rd source to which directly told me to trust my instinct, that things werent "right" and that he competed.  this third party source i trust beyond a shadow of a doubt and had no reason to lie to me.

i decided to call things off with him because i cant trust him and relationships are built on trust.  we still continue to talk over this last week because i at least want to salvage a friendship... that was until today.  my former partner was working with yet another one of their coworkers who just ranted about all of johns antics... his "two" girlfriends, one of whom lives out of town... (we assume this was me...) and how he's had to "do what he has to do."  i also find out that he's not only been playing his still existent girlfriend who is not moving and he has not broken up with, but he's also been playing me, as he's been trying to "hook up" with random other girls.  WOW.

Me after calling my primary MD:  "Hello... yes, I'd like to make an appointment to get tested for STI's... yes, thats correct.  my fucking boyfriend is a lying, cheating piece of shit....  Tuesday... yes, i can come in Tuesday..."

right now... i feel lost, alone, lied to, cheated on, and worthless.  a stumbling block to the knowledge of how awesome i really am.  i'll pick myself up, i'll find a way not to hate him anymore and i'll move on with my life.... because in the end, whose life is richer?  i have amazing children, a good career, a wonderful best friend, and a fulfilled life.  i'll deal with each "punch" as it comes along... and i'll make the best of it.

goes to show you... you cannot trust a wolf in sheeps clothing.  in the end, its still just a wolf.  it will deceive you, hurt you, break your spirt and rip out your heart if it gets the chance.  thanks john for that. i appreciate it.

probably the saddest moment of my life

driving home yesterday.. i hear, from leenie the words that i knew, but never wanted to hear.  


"your kids are closer to me because i spend more time with them...."


silence... dead silence, however, if you could hear a broken heart, this is what it would sound like.  


horrible, negative words were exchanged and the drive home continued.  


today, was my ex's weekend.  leenie and i went to the boys baseball games anyway, because i had promised them we would and i wanted to see them play.  i saw my kids smile with their step mother and father, i saw them coming up to them, chatting, having fun.  this doesnt happen on my weekends.  they never come up and talk about a play or an at bat... they never have two words to say.  


leenie also made sure to tell me that this is because i look "sad" all the time at the games and spend a good portion of my time on my phone...  my phone is my safety zone.  when i am sad, the only way to hold back the tears is to emerge myself in another world... in games, in the land of social networking, in the land where im not criticized for being a bad parent and i can watch other friends parent their kids full time.  


right now i feel alone... 


right now i feel like my world has collapsed and inside in an empty pit...


right now i feel like a 35 year old wash up, who's had two failed divorces, and a failed 4 year relationship, who gave birth to two children who cant relate to her and cannot stand her.  


right now i dont see any point in trying to better myself because everything i love leaves, or i hurt every person i touch.  


so until god decides my time here is up, i'll work, i'll say goodbye to those i've hurt,  i'll pick myself up, bottle up my feelings, and i'll move on as i do with every heartbreak.  


i hope the boys i gave birth to have a very happy life and i hope their step mom meets their needs as a mother, because i cant do this anymore.  

my only wish is they be happy...

the feeling of being a part of your child's field day is one of those feelings which bring absolute exhaustion and complete joy all at once.  on a chilly, overcast, and occasionally rainy thursday thats where i found myself.  i arrived at the school, a bit nervous, worried that the boys step mom would be there.  she always is there for everything my kids (and her own) do.  being that the boys go to school in their town, she knows everyone and spends quite a bit of time there.  so i get out of the car, smooth down my shorts, my tee shirt and make sure i look presentable enough to pull off the "mom" look.  i sign in and receive my work station for the morning, the "sponge toss."  i look at the map in a confusing fashion trying to find where my station is and where i need to set things up.   i finally maneuver through the school and exit the building with all the other moms and dads who are working this event.  i smile politely as they talk amongst themselves, having been members of the PTA, or seeing each other at events, they all seem to know each other well.  i continue to remind myself that i am here for my kids, that im here to have fun and i need not worry about who i do and don't know.  so i trample through the ankle high grass and i find my location.  

field day promptly begins at 9:15am and i am ready for my first group of children to arrive.  my station was with the 1st graders.... and i can say while rewarding, it was a long 3 hours.  the kids laughed, played and we made our own rules for the game.  in all they had a great time, got pretty wet in the process and smiled a lot.  what brought me the most joy was the look on my youngest son Shaun's face when he saw me working at field day.  his eyes, blue as ever beamed at me as he played with his friends and exhausted himself in a very fun yet busy morning.  

after field day activities were over and the kids broke for lunch, i found that the PTA had set up pretzels, soda and water for the volunteers to enjoy and i helped myself.  i then found my way to my oldest son's classroom to visit since i had not seen him all day.  he was eating lunch with friends and i was able to snap a few really nice pictures of him with his friends.  we talked for a little while and i meandered back to my youngest's classroom where we changed into swimsuits, had a picnic lunch outside and then they played on the waterslide.  


my time there was over and i made my way back to my car.  alone, without my kids and with the knowledge that i was going home myself, going back to an empty home.  one where the laughter has temporarily left, and as i approached the stairs to head upstairs to shower and change, i see that looming sign that they are gone... their bedroom doors are closed.  while this is a common thing, (we close the doors to keep the dogs out and keep the vents closed to save on air conditioning costs) i fall into a heap on the stairs and cry until there are no more tears left to cry.  my boys, myself and everyone close to us are victims of divorce, of shared custody, and of this sad existence we call life.  a life where laughs are abundant about 14 days of every 28 and the rest... well, we just go on.  

I hate dreams, it means my life is falling apart

so i typically do not dream.  that or i just don't remember them through my medicated induced coma.  last night i had a very vivid dream.  my dream involved aileen, the boys and i going on vacation, and her letting us get two puppies and two ferrets while we were there.  we got them at the beginning of vacation, so we had already had two weeks to play with them.  needless to say we fell in love with their little personalities.  well, it was finally time to leave to go back home and aileen said that we couldnt take them with us, that we had to leave them in cape cod because we didnt have enough room in the car.  the boys seemed relatively unaffected by this sudden turn of events, but i was devistated.  we pulled away having left them in their crates on the doorstep of a rich persons house.  my eyes filled with tears, i thought how badly i'd miss them, and hoped that they'd get a good home.  


yesterday was a trying day.  John and i attended the boys travel team baseball games in NJ.  i felt isolated from the other parents, left out, alone and as an outsider in their lives.  support networks were there for rich and angie, as some of her family showed up, as did his parents.  i was thankful i had john, but he was the only person there in my corner.  i didnt think the boys wanted me there.  they seldom made eye contact and barely spoke to me.  i felt that i had travelled all that way for absolutely nothing.  all the while subjecting myself to the hurt that only a mother can feel when she feels that her children are slowly but surely being taken away.  i associate this experience with why i had the dream i did.  everything i love eventually leaves or is taken away from me.  i love my boys and slowly yet surely rich and angie are pitting the boys against me, to one day have them make the decision that they'd be better off with them than with me.  they'll be like the animals i fell in love with... left on the steps of rich and angie's house, while i hope and pray that their needs will be taken care of, as i drive away and watch them as their figures get smaller and smaller until they disappear.  


crystal

its been a week...

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say?  And why are you waiting?  ~Stephen Levine

its been a week since i've been involved in anything kink related.  that sounds so silly yet so real to me.  i've been living a life of a kinky woman for over a year and in the blink of an eye... its gone.  like an alcoholic gives up their daily fix, i have given up the kinky part of myself as a protective mechanism, to keep me safe, to make life seem real.  most days i feel numb, wondering if ever i will be able to return, if ever i really want to return.  i've gone above and beyond just returning to "pre kink" life... i've taken a front seat and turned the tables in much of my personal interractions.  being rather bossy at home, and having a say in my own pleasure has been different.  something i havent done in quite a while.  heck, physical contact for the most part has come to a screeching halt.  not necesairly what i would call enjoyable... but necessary for the time being.

a former friend once told me that if the lifestyle doesnt bring you utter happiness then you should let it go, that it wasnt the path they should be on... so, that's what i've done, but it doesnt make it easier.  i miss the D/s aspect the most i think.  the domestic servitude, knowing i am making someone happy, that i am pleasing them has been greatly missed.  feeling rope on my skin or the anticipation of a finger tracing areas where i cannot stop them.  the words "good girl" that can truly make me wet with anticipation... all gone.  the lifestyle events, the listening and sharing of ideas, hearing that im not some sexual deviant who has issues beyond repair.  hearing that even though i love being tied up and used that its okay... and im okay for it.  back to square one is not a fun place to be.  thankfully i have two people who are helping me find my light and begin to shine again, in ways beyond lifestyle.  he is helping me to see that i can be loved and valued, and she is helping me see that im so much more than what i give myself credit for.  it is taking time... and will be a work in progress, but we will get there. 

i miss my "friends." (well, people i thought were friends...) i miss them very much.  or do i miss what i thought they were to me?  here i thought i was building relationships which would be long lasting and forever, little did i know, that not one single soul cared... i've not gotten one email, not one call.  i guess i didnt fit their mold, i was too drama laden, or their cups are full on their own.  its okay.  i know they've moved on... i am too, still makes me sad to know that no one cared to hear my side of the story, no one cared to know how this was all effecting crystal.  no one cared to know that my heart breaks a little each day when i know im hurting or neglecting someone i loved.  friends inquire, friends worry, friends try to help... these people abandoned me, and i'll never forget that.    

relationships are mending since the "incident" at the munch a little over a week ago.  my partner and i have found what seems to be a happy medium, albeit there is work to do.  my boyfriend (while i hate that word, i dont know what else to call him...) and i are finding our way into something long lasting and true.  we are learning to be a poly triad without the lifestyle things standing in the way.  i love them.  i love them both... so this has to work.  i cannot see my life without either of them... i hope we can get to a happy place, i pray we can get to a happy place... 

      Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.  ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

breathing sometimes isnt easy, but you do it anyway.

sometimes your heart hurts so badly that you dont want to even think of breathing again.  sometimes you forget and dont want to breathe.  your head feels light, your heart feels heavy, as if lead weights were on your chest... and then, your medulla kicks in and it just happens.  you cant help it.  you cant hold your breath forever.  so you finally take that deep gasp and everything starts to focus again.

its been a while since i've posted here.  but i suddenly feel the need due to recent events over the past week or so.  many of you who read this know that my partner and i have been in an "open/polyamourous" relationship for the last year.  while this never fully materialized until recently, it kind of "fell into my lap."  my partner has had a friend (J) that she's worked with for almost two years and i have definitely had a crush on him over the course of time that we've become acquainted. about 2 months ago, she told him about my attraction, they'd been taking about it and, one day we had a playdate... the rest is history.  

she tried to introduce him to the fetlife/alternative scene, but chatting about it at work, showing him pictures, telling him stories... and initially things seemed to go well.  he was/is interested in learning and growing but unfortunately schedules and personal issues had been preventing the development of this interest on his part.  we were getting along wonderfully and the three of us were playing on a weekly basis.  this past friday, things didnt seem to go as well as they had in the past.  she put the pressure on him to actually create/lead the scene and with his lack of experience in this realm, it ended up being a failure in essence.  one that left me in tears and one which took me a few days to recover from... but i had.  they both told me they wanted to continue on and try to build our relationship.  not once had she told me that this wasnt working for her, that she wasnt interested in making this work, or that she was upset with the time that he and i were spending together.    

fast forward to the "Annapolis Munch" on monday of this past week... we (my partner and i) had invited J to join us in meeting our friends and attending this lifestyle event.  they (my partner and J) even met early to shop for olive oils and yummy balsamic vinegars at a fine retailer in Annapolis.  i met them after work and things seemed to go well.  that was until the actual munch itself.  

lets place ourselves in J's shoes... you are younger (26), never been a part of anything like this, and you are brought into a fairly large group to "get to know" and meet your girlfriend's friends.  a bit of apprehension and ambivalence, as well as a bit of anxiety and nerves kick in and you have a recipe for problems.  being the "caretaker" that i am, i felt the need to shelter and protect him.  i wanted to keep him feeling comfortable, so i focused much of my attention on chatting with him.  i didnt want him to feel left out.  i knew my partner could hold her own in this crowd, as this was something we'd been doing for over a year.  we both knew almost everyone there and i felt that her confidence with knowing everyone would help her to chat amongst others and myself.  well, this wasnt exactly how things went down.  

so she decides (for whatever reason) to remove herself from my side and go and chat with others at the table, which was fine, i knew she wanted to see everyone as it had been a while since we all got together in the same space.  i have been on a diet/exercise/self improvement kick and hadnt wanted to meet up with anyone in the last few months... until this day.  so i sat next to the boyfriend and we chatted, held hands under the table and held conversation.  i didnt see an issue with this.  WE (my partner  and i) invited him, and hence we absorb some responsibility for introducing him into the scene. well, i guess things became "overwhelming" for her and she went outside, only to be followed by one of our friends.  my guess was this was done to make sure she was okay.  

from my perspective, this brought unnecessary attention to the fact that she was uncomfortable with his presence, and in front of those that i was hoping would accept my boyfriend into our little world.  rather, i felt that this caused a sense of "awwww... poor (insert partners name here)..."  this infuriated me, upset me, and made me feel like a horrible person, when i really didnt do anything wrong.  i was tending to someone who WE brought, who was new, nervous and really doing this so that he could be a part of this world.  i wasn't holding his hand and chatting with him as a way to make her feel uncomfortable, i was doing this so that he would feel accepted.  i left the munch feeling unaccepted, hurt, lost and alone.  all of which made me decide that fetlife, and its multitude of issues was not for me.  that night, i decided to delete my account and remove all of the "friends" which i thought i had there.  in essence, i needed space, and this was the only way i thought i could find it.  

let me rewind a bit and give a bit of a background.  did i overreact?  some would say yes, and i would totally understand that.  simply because i am an "all or nothing" kind of person i made a very rash decision, one that i've had several regrets doing.  not that this is any sort of "reason" but my boyfriend and i have been sexually active and after over a year of being on any form of birth control i decided to re-enter the world of hormonal contraception prevention.  i started on the nuvaring so that i could regulate my cycles as well as prevent myself from getting pregnant when he and i were intimate.  i have a number of reasons for this, the biggest one being i am done having children.  well, the ring left me "nuttier than a fruit cake made by my aunt june..."  so hormonally i was losing my mind.  i also add that while we did use a condom in the past, i was a bit nervous and took Plan B after one of our encounters so that i did not get pregnant... (double dose of hormones...) let me say, this isnt the first time i've lost my mind because of birth control.  i was on Mirena for 5 years and while i loved it for its qualities of no period for 5 years, i ended up on antidepressant medication because it made me mean, jealous, spiteful and angry... ALL THE TIME.  since being off of Mirena, i was able to remove myself from the antidepressant meds and all has been well.  so... discussions have taken place and we have decided to stop the ring and will utilize other methods of birth control.  

i love my partner more than life, i really do, but her actions hurt me the other night, as im sure i did her. how would i have acted had she brought another person to the munch with us, flip the tables in essence,  i have no clue how i would react, but if we invited this person and agreed that they should be a part of this with us and i would have been supportive of her, at least in public.  my issues would have been delt with behind closed doors had they arisen.  do i think i was right by sitting by his side and engaging in conversation with him?  most definitely.  that is my personality.  do i think i would do things differently?  maybe i would have lessened the intensity to which i paid him attention.  but besides that i wouldnt have changed how i acted.  i love both of them and i wanted them to know that.  i needed him to know that he was the most important male for me who was there and i wanted her to know that she was the most important female.  she didnt give me that chance to show it because she left my side, and in essence abandoned me, leaving me feeling alone, vulnerable and hostile.  

i know i may have (and have) hurt some feelings because of my rash behavior of deleting every single soul on my profile, but its what i had to do to protect myself and my relationships.  i didnt want to spew my anger for all to see, so i disengaged and moved on.  do i miss the kink?  of course i do.  this is something that is a part of me.  but for right now, i have to give it up.  i cant do it... not with either of them.  and i think that's okay.  i've decided to reactivate my fetlife account so that i can continue to receive messages and keep up with events.  i may not be attending anything, and i have pretty much lost all my friends there... but life will and does go on.  i just hope some of those i made question my actions read this and have a better sense and understanding.  

we are human.  we make mistakes.  we hopefully learn from them, and we move on and continue to live another day.  

again, im sorry if i hurt anyone's feelings.  it wasnt my intention, but i had to protect myself somehow... and in a hormonal induced state, these were my choices and i've nothing to do but live with them.  

take care, 
crystal.

so... my patience, i think it finally paid off... :)

kinda funny that im posting this... because while i still feel a bit insecure about this (budding) relationship, i feel better than i did yesterday.  conversations today have made me feel more confident that things are going in the right direction and that im not going to be left asking questions and wondering why in the end.  im happier than i've been with a potential play partner, and more confident.  and while he's new and needs a little coaxing... my partner is just the one to do it.  she loves seeing me happy, she makes me happy... he makes me happy... life doesnt get much better than this, i have to say.  someone told me to "wait for the right one..."  im glad i did.  :)

conscious stream of thoughts...

my head is a muddled mess right now... it always is after a playdate.  why on earth is beyond me, but it is.  conscious stream of thoughts is inevitable for the first 24 hours or so... and mostly focused on things like did i do everything right?  what did i do wrong?  how did i look?  did i say the right things?  did everyone have a good time?  ugh, that was an unflattering position, did my butt look too fat, what about my hips, were they too big? what was she thinking?  is she going to be mad?  how did she feel?  did i make her proud?  is she going to get upset?  did he enjoy himself?  was it to much?  can i live up to his expectations?  what can i expect next?  will there be a next time?  if there isnt a next time will i be okay with that... please brain, dont let me get hurt, www.mustdetachfirst.com 


i took a huge leap and put a full frontal nude on fetlife today.  will i keep it there?  i dont know.  while im getting better with my body i am still self conscious of the marks that a life filled with quite a bit of surgery and problems has left me.  i dont have a perfect body and while my partner knows this and loves my every curve, i cant help but want to be a size 2, perfect legs, perfect arms... a flat stomach, and nerdy as hell.  :)  i have the nerdy part down.  im very much a dork.  i've given birth to two amazing babies, i've had a total of 5 surgeries in my life and my roadmaps tell a story of a mom who had an addiction and gave birth preterm, and a woman who has pushed through all those familial issues and become a great mom, partner and person even though... 


im in the mood to watch a really scary movie tonite, something that will keep me awake, so that i dont have to dream.  if i dream, tonite, i know that it will be of today, and while i enjoy this, i dislike it as well, because in my mind i will continue to question every single action, every single move.  when do i allow myself to just enjoy the moment, enjoy the experience and let things be?  


i was thinking J was nervous today... i was too, but i knew i was in good hands.  i worry that this "lifestyle" is too much and that he will decide that since its not for him that he doesnt want to pursue anything further.  id understand, its not for everyone, and it can be a bit intimidating... but i feel humbled to have spent today with two people that i truly enjoy and truly care about. 


i also learned that i do not want to eat pizza ever again.  my new diet and lifestyle is not conducive to pizza consumption.  i feel like crap... my tummy is in knots and i hope it settles... soon.  i think i may need a 12 step program tomorrow just to overcome this heavy and weighted feeling im experiencing... 


well, just sharing, writing about today... and whatever else is on my mind... i'll end this here.  write more soon. 

the life of a masochist. getting there... and falling back out...

welp, lets see.  my girlfriend thinks im a masochist.  while i tend to claim that i am not, and i will deny this until the end of the earth i can say, i do enjoy pain... if given properly, with adequate warm up, with the right mindset, and with the right person.  so my partner wanted me to write about how i mentally get to the place where i can enjoy pain and not curse her until i scream my safeword.... 

its all about the build up.  for me, this may take days, or even up to a week to get ready for.  its something that i crave and in order to tolerate it, i must first crave it.  its definitely not something that can just randomly happen.  while i can tolerate a spanking, maybe a light paddling, flogging, etc... the dreaded mode of torture is the cane.  i hate the damn cane and curse its existence.  

external stress is a huge factor.  one that causes me to need pain, as well as one that causes me to have a more difficult time processing pain.  if i am dealing with child issues, work issues, and the like and cannot put them aside enough to enjoy myself mentally then there is no way i will be able to tolerate that mode of pain.  i may be able to tolerate others, but not as harshly.  i can always tolerate rope... the more tightly bound i am, the happier of a place i can get to, and the more i can tolerate.  if i am unable to move, it seems i can handle more pain as well.  if tied too loosely and not in a way that prohibits motion then i squirm more and can move when i anticipate a swat.  blindfolds help too, this way i dont know when its coming.  

i am very much a sensual person, so to prepare for pain it definitely helps to be touched softly, have the right music on, the right lighting... the dogs put away.  (nothing like having a dog bark at you to end the mood.)  i have to regulate my breathing, and the caning needs to be rhythmic.  strangely enough i need the strokes to coincide with the music and my breathing.  oddly enough, i take pain much better when there is more than one person there.  it also makes it easier when there is good energy and ample trust in the person delivering the pain.  

and the last bit i wanted to add, is that a little clit stimulation or vaginal penetration helps take my mind off the negative sensation, and focus more on the positive sensation.  if i am about to orgasm, or close to orgasm i can pretty much take and enjoy anything.  

with the right people, the right mood, the right mindset and the right circumstances pain can totally set me into an orgasm... it takes work, it takes practice and its a learning curve for everyone... myself included.