two weeks, what will feel like 7 years im sure...

the only physical remnant of what was a long hour at the doctors office this morning.  if you read my last post then you read about my former partners "alleged" indiscretions.  today was the day that i set my fears to rest that i am STD free.  i arrived about 20 minutes early for the appointment, wanting to just get it over with.  i was called back, weighed (yikes) and height was taken 68.5 inches tall.  then led to the exam room i was asked the dreaded question as to what brought me there... i sighed, and just put it out there.  "i have concerns that my ex boyfriend was sleeping with people other than myself and i need to allay my fears of any STD's."  heather, my NP's trusty aide said "well, then we'll get this done and getcha moving... "  i dont know what to say to stuff like that.

so my NP walks in and says to me... "so... wasnt all he was supposed to be was he?  guys can be assholes crystal... you need to learn this and protect yourself..."  (insert mouth drop here.)  while i love the candidness of my NP, she's amazing.  i was a bit taken aback by her comment.  now mind you, she does see both my former partner and myself... so she already knew A's side of the story... So i ramble about the last 3 months and what happened.  turns out she's more concerned with my ability to not get hurt again and keep myself mentally safe than she is worried about the health of my girlie parts.  so we talk referrals to a counselor, i agree i need some coping skills, and we decide what tests to run.  thankfully i am "symptom free" so she decides that i just need to get some basics out of the way.  we test for clamidya (sp?), HIV, HEP C, Herpes, and pregnancy.  (im not having a baby... ) the other results will be back in about two weeks she said and unless they are positive i will get my little paper in the mail with the results and should have a repeat HIV in 6 weeks to confirm diagnosis.

i check out.  i walk to my car and i cry for a good 10 minutes before i make the drive home.  i cry out of relief that i went through with this appointment and will have peace of mind, i cry for the loss of the relationship that i thought would sustain me for the rest of my life, i cry for the loss of a friend whom i thought i had made out of this whole thing and i cry for myself, for having let my walls down, let someone else in, and gotten my ass handed to me on a platter of lies.

i still dont know what's true, whether he lied, (he still says he did not) what exactly he lied about and where things can go from here.  i just know that today i am a stronger person than yesterday, that i have the love of my bestfriend, my kids, and my family.  i know where my supports come from and i will better try to utilize them.  i'll look at my little venipuncture site as a battle scar, and when its gone i'll remember the things i have positive in my life... and i'll move on.  thats just what i do.  :)