christmas...

i wanted to take a few minutes to say that i hope christmas was spent with those you love, and those that love and respect you in return.  my christmas, while a bit sad in the afternoon was enjoyable and spent with my girlfriend, kids and family.  i always get so stressed out for that single moment christmas morning where i see the faces on my boys... and im always thankful in the end that they are such amazing, loving, kind and caring boys who are appreciative and thankful for all of their gifts.  

i hope everyone received the gift of happiness that day... 

hugs.

crystal

saying goodbye...

it feels like life has been in slow motion since sunday the 18th of December.  the whirl of preparing a party for close to 25 kinksters, the hustle and commotion of entertaining and trying to have a good time yourself.  you get lost in the shuffle.  i had the opportunity to "play" with a friend i've met through the lifestyle on sunday at our party... and after speaking with my girlfriend was told that this was okay... that it was fine with her.  so i did.  he gently, over clothes used his whip... and later on, in panties and a tank top he bound me in rope... i softly drifted into subspace, feeling calm, serene, centered.  he stroked my hair, my neck...  i walked around the rest of the night in a cloud.  feeling like i had not a care in the world.  i thought i had found the person i wanted to grow with.  i thought i found the person i wanted to learn from.  little did i know, it would soon be shattered.  

whether it be the jealousy bug, or what have you, my girlfriend felt left out, felt uncomfortable with this interaction and wrote this person.  my world seemed to collapse when i received an email from him stating that i needed to talk to my girlfriend about whats been going on.... then i basically get accused by someone else of "cheating" on my girlfriend.  WTF?  i dont get it... i go through the appropriate channels, i say and do what i am supposed to, im open, honest and forthright and i basically get told that i am wrong... 

things have since worked out with that issue to a degree.  this person has agreed to experiment in play with me again, but what will i have to face when she decides she can't handle this?  where does that leave me?  i attempt to build relationships and they end because of feelings of others that im not even aware of... 

maybe this lifestyle just isnt for me and i need to say goodbye.

i want to be free...

i feel held down, by past failures, by past let downs, by people in general.  the issues i've had with trust continue to come up full circle and its been difficult to handle.  a little over a week ago, another friend decided, even after a promise that she wouldnt do it... played with my friend/play partner SBN.  while im still "reeling" from the first disappointment, i get let down, yet again.  then SBN attempts to turn it around on me, making it even worse than it would have been otherwise.  stating that i "shouldnt have made her keep her promise after i moved past it with the first friend."  excuses.  just plain out excuses.  why am i so drawn to him when all he does is treat me badly, not care about my feelings and not open up at all????

im hurt, i dont know what makes me so undesirable... but apparently i am.  i've felt like a troll for the last week and its been miserable.  every day, i've looked at myself in the mirror and reminded myself of how ugly i am, and how i dont matter... at least in this world.  i cant keep the attention of the one person i wanted to keep as a play partner.  he's distant, more so now than before and i feel myself slipping further away.  which probably isnt such a bad thing considering he hurts me time and time again.  he claims to want to keep our friendship going on but his actions speak differently.  im distant from "friends" whom i thought cared, and i've had to "block" them from popping up in my feed... just so i dont have to see what they're doing...  

and these "friends" which i thought were friends... well, im not sure what they are now...  we dont talk, and when we do its superficial... but its had to be, because i wont let them hurt me again.  whats the saying?  "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me..."

i feel sad, alone, isolated, and in essence... used.  

used by him, by these "friends" and by the lifestyle in general.  makes me sad... knowing that i am honestly disposable to all of these people.  

at least i have the love of my girlfriend and i have the love of my kids.  those two things will pull me through this... there were here before the kink, and they'll be here long after anyone i meet on this random site ever will be.....