the life of a masochist. getting there... and falling back out...

welp, lets see.  my girlfriend thinks im a masochist.  while i tend to claim that i am not, and i will deny this until the end of the earth i can say, i do enjoy pain... if given properly, with adequate warm up, with the right mindset, and with the right person.  so my partner wanted me to write about how i mentally get to the place where i can enjoy pain and not curse her until i scream my safeword.... 

its all about the build up.  for me, this may take days, or even up to a week to get ready for.  its something that i crave and in order to tolerate it, i must first crave it.  its definitely not something that can just randomly happen.  while i can tolerate a spanking, maybe a light paddling, flogging, etc... the dreaded mode of torture is the cane.  i hate the damn cane and curse its existence.  

external stress is a huge factor.  one that causes me to need pain, as well as one that causes me to have a more difficult time processing pain.  if i am dealing with child issues, work issues, and the like and cannot put them aside enough to enjoy myself mentally then there is no way i will be able to tolerate that mode of pain.  i may be able to tolerate others, but not as harshly.  i can always tolerate rope... the more tightly bound i am, the happier of a place i can get to, and the more i can tolerate.  if i am unable to move, it seems i can handle more pain as well.  if tied too loosely and not in a way that prohibits motion then i squirm more and can move when i anticipate a swat.  blindfolds help too, this way i dont know when its coming.  

i am very much a sensual person, so to prepare for pain it definitely helps to be touched softly, have the right music on, the right lighting... the dogs put away.  (nothing like having a dog bark at you to end the mood.)  i have to regulate my breathing, and the caning needs to be rhythmic.  strangely enough i need the strokes to coincide with the music and my breathing.  oddly enough, i take pain much better when there is more than one person there.  it also makes it easier when there is good energy and ample trust in the person delivering the pain.  

and the last bit i wanted to add, is that a little clit stimulation or vaginal penetration helps take my mind off the negative sensation, and focus more on the positive sensation.  if i am about to orgasm, or close to orgasm i can pretty much take and enjoy anything.  

with the right people, the right mood, the right mindset and the right circumstances pain can totally set me into an orgasm... it takes work, it takes practice and its a learning curve for everyone... myself included.  

where have i been?

i wish i could say that i have been "tied up" like that wonderful little box man shown wrapped in electrical wire... but alas, i cant say that.  while my girlfriend and i have played with rope some, i've taken a step back from the scene and decided to just work on relationships that are real and in the present as well as nurture the friendships that i've already developed.  i had such bad experiences in the scene when it comes to personal relationships that if i didnt pull away i was going to lose myself in the process.  sure there are days where i want to go to the parties, experience these things again... and i will, in my time, when im ready.  right now, im not really ready.  right now i am focusing on myself, my family, my kids, my career and fortunately, my health....

well, while im not quite this hot, things are looking up.  i've lost 21lbs so far in 50 days, and i can say, this girl is getting skinny.  dropped a pants size, and im sure a ton of inches.  still have 15lbs to go, but i'll get there.  all i know is i used to be tired after walking up a flight of stairs, now i can run up 4 flights and am only breathing heavy after that.  my tush is firmed up and a little more perky and my medium fitted tee shirts are a bit baggy.  yea, i got bit by the workout bug.  i typically work out 6 days a week (wednesdays are a rest day) and will rest more if its a week we hike.  yes... you read that right... hiking.  im addicted, and in a good way....

yep, thats the girlfriend and i on our last hike.  we did about 8 miles at calvert cliffs state park.  next hike is "Little Devil's Stairs" in the Shenandoah mountains.  its in 2 weeks and i am super excited, nervous at the same time.  its the first "strenuous" hike we've done thus far and i am a little apprehensive.  so, to train, im doing stairs and a ton of leg work.  hope this helps me get to the top!  :)

well, thats been my life for the last few months.  hopefully something more entertaining and fun will await my next blog... :)

christmas...

i wanted to take a few minutes to say that i hope christmas was spent with those you love, and those that love and respect you in return.  my christmas, while a bit sad in the afternoon was enjoyable and spent with my girlfriend, kids and family.  i always get so stressed out for that single moment christmas morning where i see the faces on my boys... and im always thankful in the end that they are such amazing, loving, kind and caring boys who are appreciative and thankful for all of their gifts.  

i hope everyone received the gift of happiness that day... 

hugs.

crystal

saying goodbye...

it feels like life has been in slow motion since sunday the 18th of December.  the whirl of preparing a party for close to 25 kinksters, the hustle and commotion of entertaining and trying to have a good time yourself.  you get lost in the shuffle.  i had the opportunity to "play" with a friend i've met through the lifestyle on sunday at our party... and after speaking with my girlfriend was told that this was okay... that it was fine with her.  so i did.  he gently, over clothes used his whip... and later on, in panties and a tank top he bound me in rope... i softly drifted into subspace, feeling calm, serene, centered.  he stroked my hair, my neck...  i walked around the rest of the night in a cloud.  feeling like i had not a care in the world.  i thought i had found the person i wanted to grow with.  i thought i found the person i wanted to learn from.  little did i know, it would soon be shattered.  

whether it be the jealousy bug, or what have you, my girlfriend felt left out, felt uncomfortable with this interaction and wrote this person.  my world seemed to collapse when i received an email from him stating that i needed to talk to my girlfriend about whats been going on.... then i basically get accused by someone else of "cheating" on my girlfriend.  WTF?  i dont get it... i go through the appropriate channels, i say and do what i am supposed to, im open, honest and forthright and i basically get told that i am wrong... 

things have since worked out with that issue to a degree.  this person has agreed to experiment in play with me again, but what will i have to face when she decides she can't handle this?  where does that leave me?  i attempt to build relationships and they end because of feelings of others that im not even aware of... 

maybe this lifestyle just isnt for me and i need to say goodbye.

i want to be free...

i feel held down, by past failures, by past let downs, by people in general.  the issues i've had with trust continue to come up full circle and its been difficult to handle.  a little over a week ago, another friend decided, even after a promise that she wouldnt do it... played with my friend/play partner SBN.  while im still "reeling" from the first disappointment, i get let down, yet again.  then SBN attempts to turn it around on me, making it even worse than it would have been otherwise.  stating that i "shouldnt have made her keep her promise after i moved past it with the first friend."  excuses.  just plain out excuses.  why am i so drawn to him when all he does is treat me badly, not care about my feelings and not open up at all????

im hurt, i dont know what makes me so undesirable... but apparently i am.  i've felt like a troll for the last week and its been miserable.  every day, i've looked at myself in the mirror and reminded myself of how ugly i am, and how i dont matter... at least in this world.  i cant keep the attention of the one person i wanted to keep as a play partner.  he's distant, more so now than before and i feel myself slipping further away.  which probably isnt such a bad thing considering he hurts me time and time again.  he claims to want to keep our friendship going on but his actions speak differently.  im distant from "friends" whom i thought cared, and i've had to "block" them from popping up in my feed... just so i dont have to see what they're doing...  

and these "friends" which i thought were friends... well, im not sure what they are now...  we dont talk, and when we do its superficial... but its had to be, because i wont let them hurt me again.  whats the saying?  "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me..."

i feel sad, alone, isolated, and in essence... used.  

used by him, by these "friends" and by the lifestyle in general.  makes me sad... knowing that i am honestly disposable to all of these people.  

at least i have the love of my girlfriend and i have the love of my kids.  those two things will pull me through this... there were here before the kink, and they'll be here long after anyone i meet on this random site ever will be..... 

being thankful

i dont think i truly take the time most days to really think about why im thankful and what im thankful for.  this past week, was the first thanksgiving that i truly felt at ease since my divorce.  i was finally able to enjoy myself and my family without remembering that my kids are a part of a divorced home, that my family was "changed" since my separation almost 5 years ago.

so while i am thankful for many things, i am going to take a few minutes to talk about being thankful for life changes.  i can say i am thankful for my divorce.  without the divorce i would never have gotten to know the woman that i call my partner, bestfriend, lover, confidante, and one day i will call my wife.  she is an amazing mom to my boys and she loves unconditionally.

i am thankful that i came across the world of BDSM.  while its brought me many tears, i've never felt so free in my life.  free to be who i am and free to enjoy being the one not in control.  it makes me smile to know that i can trust someone enough to allow myself and my pleasure to be in their hands.  the feeling makes me so nervous yet free at the same time.  they are feelings that i truly treasure.

i am thankful to have such a wonderful career, such wonderful kids, and such a great support system.  without all of these things i dont think i would have gotten through the difficult times that i have over the course of the last few years.  i've become such a different person than i was only 5 years ago.  i've become more relaxed, i've learned to laugh again, i've started to learn patience, and i've had to reconfigure my needs and priorities.

this is my favorite time of year, i couldnt ask for more... :)

jealousy...

in a perfect world jealousy wouldnt exist.  it is an emotion that to me is senseless.  it just causes stress, and anxiety.  it can make you physically sick and cause you to spiral into thoughts of "am i worth it."  

"I have come to learn that this instinctive emotion is merely trying to protect our ego, by burying our inadequacies and insecurities. Our mind is at work protecting us in the comforts of our little cocoon shell. But to what benefit does it serve?"

my jealousy issues stem from my feelings of being replaced, of being not important, being pushed aside, belittled, or not being good enough, not being pretty enough, and not meeting expectations.  in the world of public play, they also have to do with the fact that i believe that everyone's body is more attractive than mine and they all look so much better than i do scantily clothed (or nude).  

last night, a play partner of mine was at the playhouse and was there playing with someone else.  i knew in advance, so that helped.  this was good for me to experience, however difficult it was.  i couldn't watch the whole thing, as a matter of fact i would watch and then divert my attention elsewhere, leave the room or retreat into my own mind to escape.  it truly helps that people play all over the place and there are plenty of areas to look and pay attention.  it helps ground me that i didn't have to watch their whole scene.  

i couldn't really "deal" with it while i was there, had to keep my "game" face on... but i have dealt with it since then.  reflecting on why i felt the way i did and moving past those emotions are necessary for me in order to continue in this lifestyle in the fashion that i am, and to keep the friendship with this man whom i care for... more than he'll ever know.  you cannot expect people to change their behavior, so you have to either cut them loose or change your own.  so i made my decision to change mine.  

i have to stop comparing myself to other people.  realizing that i'm an individual and that people like me for who i am, and they aren't comparing me to anyone else needs to be one of the first things i deal with.  i have a lot of self image issues.  one of the main hurdles i hope that this lifestyle helps me face, confront and get past.  i need to see the benefits of uniqueness and stop focusing on what "she" has that "i" don't.  comparing yourself to others is more detrimental than you can imagine.  you are here for a reason, and people care about you, for all of the traits that make you who you are.  its mentally getting to the point of accepting that and reveling in it that's difficult.  it will take some time, but i'll get there, i'll learn to love my own body, and all of its imperfections and i'll turn that into something positive and one day the jealousy bug wont bite so hard.  :)

Enigma.