Wednesday, October 26, 2011

who said its ever easy?

my girlfriend posed this question to me yesterday and suggested it be what i blog about next... she asked...


"So what traits do you look for in play partners?"


for those of you who haven't figured this out... my partner and i are in a polyamorous, D/s, female led, kinky relationship.  what this means is that we are predominately with each other, however, we are each free to play with others, date another person if we choose, and yes, in some circumstances i let her wear the panties and boss me around, tie me up, and spank my ass.  there i said it.  


so we've been doing this a while now and she notices that i don't have a specific "type" of person that i play with.  so she wonders what it is that i look for.  so i sit here to write it all down.  above all else i want someone intelligent.  intelligence is the number one priority.  creativity is a second.  if you look at the few people i've played with, they've all been creative.  very intuitive thinkers.  i dont have a preference when it comes to looks.  i do say though, i dont like them "super skinny" and i do have to have someone i believe could "overpower" me if thats what the scene calls for.  dark hair.  i have a thing for dark hair, nice teeth, pretty eyes and nice smell.  


they have to have a drive for something.  i dont care whether its cars, football, their job, but something... passion, drive, interest, zest.  i like "manly" men... guys who arent afraid to get dirty but clean up well.  i like guys who enjoy and appreciate music and good movies.  


so as you see i dont have a type per se... but rather a few traits that make me smile.  i think its just like picking out a car.  you might like the body style, but it doesnt have the interior features you want... so do you buy the car?  usually not.  you wait for that one to come around that makes you smile and say "yep... i'll take two of those...."  


Enigma.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

a letter to my boys...


dear boys, 

my life is you.  it always has been, it always will be, even before you were born, i knew i would love you beyond measure.  you are my morning, my noon, and my night.  you are my main reason for smiling and you being sad, injured, or hurt are the only things that can tear me apart.  not any physical injury in this world could be worse than knowing that you are sad.  when you are away from me, a bit of my heart is with you.  you keep it in your pocket, whether you know it or not... it is there... and it only comes back when you do.    

i tried to call you tonite.  i talked to you, my dear sweet tater and for that i am so thankful.  i got to hear your sleepy, yet sweet voice, and while short, you told me you loved me and that you missed me. you are my blonde haired spunky, sweet, kind and caring angel and you are one of the best gifts i've ever received.   

my wonderful oldest pumpkin pie... while i was waiting for your brother to get you, i heard your step mom yelling, i heard your daddy cussing, and i heard them tell you that you couldnt talk to me.  i heard it all, i know it wasnt you.  i know it was them.  i faintly heard someone crying.  i can only imagine it was you.  i hope the weekend wasnt too bad, i hope they took care of you and that you're safe.  i love you my dear sweet boy, you and your brother have to take care of each other when leenie and i cant be there to take care of you.  

i emailed your teacher to have her check on you... tell you i love you to the moon and back and that i will try again, that i will continue to fight this fight tomorrow and for however long it takes to get you home to me... permanently, away from the madness at your dads house.  away from her vicious lies and away from her hateful words.  

i am sad right now because its the first time in 4 years that your dad hasnt let me speak to you... my heart is broken right now... but wednesday when you bring me those precious two pieces all will be mended again.  

until then my sweet angels.  sleep well, and know that we're sleeping under the same dark sky... i am thinking of you.  i love you.  you are my heaven and earth sweet boys.  mommy loves you more than you'll ever know.  

always.  forever.  until the end of time.


so she asked... and i'll oblige her.

the question was posed to me by my girlfriend as to what i liked physical and non physical about our relationship.  i asked if i could also list what i "didnt like" about our relationship and she said that was okay too.  so here i sit to write..... 


what i like physically....

  • her smile
  • her hair
  • how close we sleep
  • the way she looks in mens boxers
  • feeling her arms around me when we sleep
  • her ability to stay "calm" under any and all circumstances
  • her ability to take control when i've lost it all
  • how she brings me coffee while im in the shower
  • how she is the only person who's ever made me cum and lose all consciousness
  • how she can tell me it will all be "okay" and convince me enough to believe her.
non-physical attributes that i like...
  • her calming nature
  • her ability to remember everything
  • how smart she is
  • how she loves me and the boys
  • how she puts the boys and i ahead of any and everything.
  • how she trusts me and loves me unconditionally.

i probably mixed "physical" with "non-physical" and i think thats okay.  there are many other things that i love about her, too many to list, and i learn more things every day.  she makes me fall in love further with each passing moment.  she's the most unselfish person ever.  the most unselfish person i have ever known.  she listens to people, and she remembers, and she genuinely cares.  i've never known someone who can care so much for people she barely knows.  

there isnt much i dont like... not enough to put into "bullet" points.  when you've wronged her or someone she loves its difficult to get her to ever "like" or "trust" you again.  if she doesnt like you, there is a definitive possibility that she never will.  and the thing is, she has reasons, convictions and you will probably not change them.  she always gives me my way.  i used to think i loved that... but i know that i need her to be stronger sometimes.  i love that she knows when to "let" me win... but she needs to learn how to "allow" me to lose.  she "hounds" me to get things done.  drives me nuts.  just let a procrastinator be!!!!!

so there isnt much i dont like... much less than the things i do like.  

yep, i kinda love her.  i think i have since i met her... and will for the rest of my life.  




Sunday, October 16, 2011

the only thing that can break my heart, mind, body and spirit...





yesterday goes down in history as one of the absolute worst days of my life.  the first being the day of my divorce (not because of the divorce itself, but because i knew that for the rest of their childhood i would have to share my babies.)and yesterday... well, was another.  


day started out wonderfully, my girlfriend was sleeping, i got the bag packed for baseball, the kids ready, etc.  we woke herrock (my girlfriend) and off we went.  about 1/2 way into the ride my nose started bleeding.  i wasnt concerned initially as this has been happening for the last two weeks off and on.  i thought a few tissues and it would be done.  little did i know, a few hours later, it would still be bleeding.  so we get to the field and herrock took the boys to the field, i told her i'd follow along when i got the bleeding to stop.  i texted her about 40 minutes later when i'd run out of tissues to come meet me at the car.  she did and we made the decision to take the kids out of the game and head to the ER for me to be seen and hopefully get the nose to stop bleeding...  we go to the field and my ex decides to call the police.  claiming I am "taking his kids away from him and being hostile on the field."  he wouldnt let them go.  the step monster continued to hold on to the arms of my little boys and wouldnt let them leave.  i felt helpless.  Herrock called me over to the edge of the dugout and we decided to walk away and go to the police station ourselves, so as not to continue to make a scene in front of the kids.  






as we were pulling out of the parking lot herrock notices that my ex, we shall call him "satan." is chasing after us writing down our license plate.  well, we were stopped on the way out of the baseball park by the police.  herrock continued to tell them the story of what happened.  end of story, to them, was that it was OUR weekend, WE took them to the game, WE wanted them to leave with us and he should have let them without making a scene.  case closed.  


the police, while they say they hate being involved with this decide to go get the kids from the field and return them to us where they should have been anyway.  30 minutes later, they were in our custody and we were off to the ER.  




as graphic as this picture seems, this is about what it looked like... so.... we get to the ER, the first thing the PA asks is ... "have you been picking your nose?"  ewww.  no.  i rubbed the tip because it itched and its been bleeding since.  sigh... he clears out the old blood as best as he can and concedes that yes, it is a posterior bleed, one they couldnt even see and they wouldnt call an ENT to evaluate... so they place a "rhino rocket" up my nose to tamponade the bleeding.  i was in agony.  so they release some of the air in the rocket, i call my ENT who is on call in Annapolis to tell them what they've done and he tells me to come in on Monday so he can take a look.  


you see that long tampon looking thing that gets filled with air? they shoved that up my nose!  i thought i would DIE!  we get home, i cant take this rhino rocket up my nose, so i release all the air and pull the damn thing out.  (yes, im hard headed... so sue me.)  and so far, no bleeding again.  but i will still go see my ENT on monday so that he can cauterize and find the bleed with his trusty scope.  (I <3 my ENT like its no ones business...)  


my boys seem to be okay.  they were disappointed they had to leave the field because it was the last game and there were trophies involved.  we explained to the best of our ability why we called them off the field and they understood.  they were still scared that the police were involved, but they seem okay.  


i cannot seem to stop crying this morning, all the stress of yesterday has me partly regretting my decision to pull them, partly proud because in the last two weeks i have held to my guns and fought for what was right by them, and partly nervous/scared that i may need another sinus surgery if we cant fix this in the office.  also worried because yet again, aileen had to call out of work to take care of me... and this puts her job in jeopardy.  but i needed her here last night.  if i were to start bleeding again someone would have had to stay with the kids and being where we live, there was no one we could call... 


another day is here... the kids seem happy, my nose isnt bleeding and we will make today better than yesterday.  and we will play, watch football, read, relax, have a nice dinner and be thankful that we have survived another weekend.  


Enigma. 

Saturday, October 15, 2011

i cant talk about fantasies... but can i write them?


fan·ta·sy/ˈfantÉ™sÄ“/

Noun:
The faculty or activity of imagining things that are impossible or improbable.

fantasies.... they dont come true right?  when i was younger, i had a fantasy that i would be the thin, popular girl.  i also had the fantasy of owning a unicorn... it never happened, neither of them. rather i hung out with people who cared about me, people from all walks of life, of all styles, they were those who i could confide in, those whom i knew would be there through thick and through thin.  so was the fantasy of being the popular girl better than reality?  i dont think so.  not in that case.  what i had were friends who i knew respected me, cared for me, and loved me.  that was better than any fantasy could be or ever have been.


flash forward to now... this blog isnt exactly about the past, even though that may come up sometime... its about my journey into the life of S/m, D/s.  so lets talk about THOSE fantasies.





  •     fantasy #1:  one of pursuit, take down and capture.  you know... the one where im at some public place, i get a whisper in my ear that im being followed and that i am to go directly to "x" place... at which point i am forced against my will to do things that i wouldnt dream of. until finally i give in....
  •     fantasy #2:  given instruction by someone to be naked, sitting in a chair, place my own blindfold, and wait there... at which point someone comes, tightens the blindfold, binds me to the chair, places ear plugs.  i have no clue what's going on... who's there... but i feel hands, several sets of hands, touching... and i havnent a clue who they belong to.  delightfully tortured for a time unknown to me... to have my blindfold removed, the binding undone and to see only my beloved girlfriend in front of me smiling.  i ask a million questions and get no answer... never knowing who was there.  
  •     fantasy #3:  hiking, nice picnic, waterfalls, fall leaves, amazing bondage, to a tree... fearful that someone may come by... taken advantage of in delightful ways.  grins.  
  •      fantasy #4:  watching my girlfriend be delightfully tortured by a person of her choice... only coming to "play" when requested.  

okay... so that's enough for now.  but again... lets look at the definition of fantasy.... 






fan·ta·sy/ˈfantÉ™sÄ“/

Noun:
The faculty or activity of imagining things that are impossible or improbable.



So if i cant have my unicorn, the rest cannot come true either... can it?

Enigma

Friday, October 14, 2011

blasts from the past... and other random thoughts.


he's not worth writing about... he truly isnt, but here i sit.  writing about him and his return to a realm i had hoped he had disappeared from.  yep, the elusive cheesegritty is back.  oh for the love of jehova, why?  last night while on fetlife i was checking my feed and realized a mutual friend had "welcomed him back" and friended him on this pervy book of face type site.  i had mixed feelings when i saw this, curious at first, angry second and still wondering what the hell happened so many months ago.  


for those that are familiar with my former "relationship" (and i use that term loosely) with this man, you will understand (or maybe you wont) my fascination with him and his life.  he was one of my first close friends on fetlife, one of the first people i've actually met and "played" with, and one of the first guys since my ex husband that i had felt a connection to.  while our relationship was short lived, tumultuous, and drama filled, i'll say it, he broke my heart.  i cared about him, i trusted him, and he ruined a piece of me for this world.  he caused me not to trust again... not for a while at least.  my relationship with him made me question myself, my worth and whether this "life" was really for me.  how can you let someone into your life, trust them and have them destroy your heart?  i guess no different from the vanilla lifestyle choices that we make every day.  


so now he's back, and what i choose to do with this is my decision.  and my decision is this.  i will not let anything he contributes to this site to infect me.  not one little bit.  i will stay away, i will not look at his profile, i will not perv his pictures, and i will try my hardest to keep away from any relationships that he develops.  (i.e., i will try to stay away from anyone with mutual connections.)  i will move forward and away from him as i have for the last 4 months or so.   i will let him stay "gone" as he has been, i will continue to grow in life, love and in experience... and i'll be much better for it with him gone.  cheesegritty, i said goodbye to you, and that goodbye was as good as forever.  


Enigma.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Three Weeks Left...

SUPER DE DUPER EXCITED!  Someone got a 15points out of a possible 15 points on her paper!!!!!!

Changing mindset...


the picture above represents where i typically am on any given day.  Stressed!  Its funny when i found this picture... many of the traits listed above fit me on any given day.  with trying to manage a home life, a personal life, kids, a hectic profession, financial and school responsibilities it can be a bit overwhelming. 

the other day my partner wanted to play... i
 knew all day and while i was excited to spend this alone time with her, i couldnt get into the "mindset" to play.  i tried perving fetlife, i tried imagining things, etc, but alas... i couldnt get there. 

i am a very reactive person to rope.  for those
 that have seen me experience rope, you know what it can and does do to me.  but i say, just because physically im excited, does not mean that emotionally or mentally i am there as well. 

i tried my hardest to allow myself to fall into that wonderful headspace that i have come to CRAVE.  but alas... nothing.  (now i know my girlfriend is going to read this, but that's okay...) i was physically able to enjoy but my head was tossing between the issue that i've been dealing with about being "neglected" by a top i played with on saturday, to oh crap we have a ton of kids on our schedule tomorrow, to damnit where are the dogs, to the kids come home this weekend and they better behave.  yep, hard to go into subspace when you're thinking and cannot clear your mind.  

how do those of you who can do this at the drop of a dime achieve such a feat?  your input will be greatly appreciated.  i miss my head being in the clouds and not being able to mentally function for a few days... its a "high" unlike anything i've experienced.  

give me my clouds again....


Enigma

When your head spins, I've learned, it does NOT pop off....

     its been a rough few days.  lets digress and go back to the last blog and summarize a few things.  had a playdate, thought i was okay with things, turns out i wasnt.  okay... now to discuss.  have you ever waited in line for a roller coaster, you know the one, its brand new (or one you've never been on before), you're super excited to ride it and cannot wait... they tell you that since the line is so long that you'll probably be here for a few hours at least.  but you wait... because you want to ride this ride more than anything and you've been dreaming about what it will be like... so the time comes, and its finally your turn.  you have your expectations of how it will begin, how the middle will be and then lastly how it will end.  you're never 100% sure what your reaction will be to the entire experience but you ascertain that it will be positive.  well, i know for myself, if i wait in line for a ride for 3 hours, it better be damn good and meet my expectations, otherwise, the ride is finished forever in my mind....
     well, saturday was my roller coaster ride, and what happened after is what left me baffled.  i am a sensitive, emotional, occasionally needy, loving, nurturing, affectionate and reactive person.  i need feedback.  almost on a constant basis.  can i tell you that i did not hear from this person with whom i played for 3 days?  with a person like myself, this caused me to drop and pull away, become angry, hurt, sad and to a degree wonder what the heck did i do wrong?  when something like this happens i tend to pull away, i'll typically say things like, im done, im finished, i dont think i can trust this person again.  not like this.  not in this intimate way.  so lets be honest, how can you let someone bind you, blindfold you, do naughty things to your body ever again when the most basic need of communication, kindness and caring were not met?  for me, you cant.  not only will i not play with him, but he's pretty much ruined me for anyone to follow.  wow... thanks.  
  

     have i been the most communicative?  no, i havent.  i let things build, i keep it inside and then i explode and rather than explode on people who dont deserve it, im doing it here.  did i communicate my feelings to this person, no, i didnt and for a very good reason, you've already hurt me, im not letting it happen again.  my very own self protective mechanism.  i cant trust you to respect my feelings when you didnt respect my heart.  plain and simple.    


     I feel saddened by the events.  i feel like i've lost a friend and thats something i cant get back.  im grieving this loss... as i would any other friend... but not only do i have my own shattered ego, my shattered heart, my shattered psyche, and now my altered image of myself... but also, a lot of our friends are ones we share... so that makes life even more difficult.  what will i do?  i wont be attending any events, not ones where he'll be around, at least not until i find the strength to mend my damaged ego, and to a degree, my heart.  but in given time, i'll get through this... i always do... and i always will. 

Enigma

Sunday, October 9, 2011

So I was asked to create a journal. First entry.



sometimes its okay to be metaphorically naked... so to speak. 






     so i was asked to create a journal by a good friend who is presently serving as my mentor/protector/friend. When i met with LadyCherly to discuss my "contract" i felt relatively secure in what i was reading and signing.  it seemed like what i wanted.  the problem came when i didn't get what i wanted.  here i was, wanting to exert my control and make a decision that wasn't mine to make.  i wanted full choice/control to play with a mutual friend of ours.  someone that is trusted and accepted in the community and someone that my girlfriend feels comfortable me playing with.  i wanted to make/schedule my own playtime with this person and while i was given the ability to keep the playdate there were apparently parameters set by my mentor/protector.  i was upset because i felt like i wasnt being treated as an adult.  that i was incompetent in taking care of myself and my own needs.  
     so after much talking to my bestest friend in the community, as well as a few other trusted sources that this is in fact was what i signed up for.  i wanted someone to keep me safe so that i dont get hurt, so that i can eventually make my own safe choices, and so that my heart/body/mind/soul do not get smashed to a million pieces.  i wanted someone to help ease me into areas where i feel uncomfortable, ease me into areas where i feel are out of my reach, and ease me into understanding and accepting some degree of full submission.  people who know me well know that while i put on a good facade, i am just as sensitive as the next person and i do get attached easily, i need her protection and her support.  so i admit, i was wrong, i got grumpy, i had an attitude, and it was uncalled for.  
     so the night came and yes, she was right.  in whatever fashion they agreed, the night was one that was "safe" for me.  i didnt feel hurt/harmed or broken.  rather i felt closer to a friend that i dearly care for.  i felt "nicely" used and abused, and for a time being, nothing but just "being in the moment" existed.  i forgot about all my little quirks, i forgot about how "messed up" my hair had become, i concentrated on breathing and listening and feeling.  and it was wonderful.  
     i've learned its okay to not be right... that its okay to let someone teach me and guide me.  that i dont exactly know it all... today is a good day.  i feel at peace... and my nipples are sore. so it was a good night.  xoxo. 
these type things are evil... pure evil i tell you.