Saturday, September 15, 2012

Its All Alright...



 All Alright - FUN

And it's all alright. 
I guess it's all alright. 
I got nothing left inside of my chest, 
But it's all alright. 
Yeah, it's all alright. 
I guess it's all alright. 
I got nothing left inside of my chest, 
But it's all alright. 

And I got the call soon as the day hit night. 
As soon as the headlights lit up the Westside. 
I stopped the car and came outside 
Cause I know that tone. 
I remember the first time 
We wished upon parallel lines. 
Waiting for a friend to call 
And say they're still alive. 
I've given everyone I know 
A good reason to go. 
I was surprised you stuck around 
Long enough to figure out 

That it's all alright. 
I guess it's all alright. 
I got nothing left inside of my chest, 
But it's all alright. 
Yeah, it's all alright. 
I guess it's all alright. 
I got nothing left inside of my chest, 
But it's all alright. 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/f/fun/all+alright_20989903.html ] 
And now all my loves that come back to haunt me. 
My regrets and texts sent to taunt me. 
I never claimed to be more than a one-night stand 
I've given everyone I know 
A good reason to go. 
But I came back with the belief 
That everyone I love is gonna leave me. 

And it's all alright. 
I guess it's all alright. 
I got nothing left inside of my chest, 
But it's all alright. 
And it's all alright. 
I guess it's all alright. 
I got nothing left inside of my chest, 
But it's all all 

And I know, ohh nooo, 
You've fallen from the sun. 
Crashing through the clouds. 
I see you burning out. 
And I know, ohh nooo, 
That I put up a front 
But maybe, just this once, 
Let me keep this one. 

And it's all alright. 
I guess it's all alright. 
I got nothing left inside of my chest, 
But it's all alright. 
And it's all alright. 
I guess it's all alright. 
I got nothing left inside of my chest, 
But it's all alright. 
Yeah, it's all alright. 
I guess it's all alright. 
I got nothing left inside of my chest, 
But it's all alright. 
And it's all alright 
I guess it's all alright. 
I got nothing left inside of my chest, 
But it's all alright...

So this song pretty much reflects how i feel some days.  a few weeks ago i had a conversation with a good friend, and former husband, Keith about how things have been lately.  after almost 4 months, i finally got the nerve up to tell him that aileen and i have broken up.  he sighed loudly, and then asked me what the fuck was wrong with me, that i just lost the best thing in my life and that i am going to end up alone, just like my mother.  wow.  that was nice.  of course following this he stated he means no harm, but just stating what he sees.  then he recommended i seek counseling because i cannot make any relationship work.  i agree, i may need counseling (who doesnt?) but its not his right to judge my decisions when he is not a regular part of my life.  

i've pondered this information for about a week now (started writing this blog a bit ago...) and have come to the conclusion that its not that i cannot make "any" relationship work.  i most certainly can make them work, but for me, personally, it takes all different types of relationships in order to make me fully happy and i constantly do live in fear that if i get to close to someone they will leave.  for example... lets throw some things out there... i have aileen, my bestfriend in the entire world, my confidante, the person i can trust to see me when im a hot mess and loves me anyway.  shes there when i hit my perpetual bottom, and she's there to help me rebuild, or to build myself back up again.  she's my anchor.  she grounds me.  she is the one person in my life that i know i can count on... she is the one who has stuck around through all of my ups and downs.  fairly recently there is john.  he makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he reminds me of what its like to be young and carefree and he makes me remember how easy life was before obligations, before kids, and before careers.  he was fun to play with and be intimate with because he lived in the now, unlike me, who likes to plan my life 6 months in advance.... even if i may procrastinate about it.  

my life is by no means complete, i have a long way to go... but i dont believe that (i) can be fully happy with just one person, i cannot find everything i need in one human being.  call this poly if you wish... but its how i feel.  it seems to me that there is too much pressure to be everything to one person.  the pressure is unfair and unnecessary when there are so many other people in the world that can help complete you.  im not saying that sex with everyone is necessary, its not all physical, and that need may just be filled by one person, or two... but traits found in one person might not be in another.  i seem to crave different things at different times.  sometimes i want wild and free, other times i want to be grounded in family and home, then i hit my creative side and want to leave everything and start that coffee shop i've always wanted to own in seattle, and following that thought comes my dose of reality bringing me back to earth where i know that its not realistic and just stick to nursing... im good at it.  there is the person who wants to complete a long distance bike race, become a fitness professional and get in the best shape of my life... but there is the little devil on my shoulder telling me that it cannot be done, that im too busy and its not feasible.  there is a part of me that wants to start doing mixed martial arts, i find it exhilarating and exciting and would love to learn... but fear the failure that may come from trying.  

so reflecting on what keith said left me feeling less than "good enough" and i honestly did feel like a horrible human being... but over time, thinking about things... i realized that there isnt anything "wrong" with me.  im different, different from him, different from the republican, christian ideal that he lives.  we all have different families, we all have different ideas of what family looks like.  growing up mine was me, my mom and my grandmother, my kids have divorced parents and step families, mine is just a bit different than his, and thats okay.  my choice to end my physical relationship with aileen was a tough decision, but it was what i felt was necessary for me.  but ending the physical did not end the friendship.  she is still the best person i've ever known and will continue to be part of my life.  one day i will have all that i need, i truly believe this, and yes, that will probably include a few different people to fill different needs... but its "all alright."  

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

another milestone

yesterday i heard the words i definitely did not want to hear... i should never get pregnant again because of the ventral hernia that i developed after my youngest was born.  to spare you the long story, following his birth, i had to have emergency surgery to correct a congenital deformity of my small intestine.  being left home with a newborn and an 18 month old right after surgery because my then husband had to travel and having to carry them around and take care of a house, essentially alone, i developed a hernia where they restitched the muscle back together.  i've been dealing with this hernia for 7 years now and finally decided that in november i will have it repaired.  after extensive research online about pregnancy following hernia surgery i learned that if i were to get pregnant after the repair, i should wait at least 5 years to allow the mesh to seat itself with my natural tissue... im 35, nearing 36.  my chances of ever carrying a child again are scant.  

i know it seems strange to hear me talking about having a child, but for the past year, its been close to all i've thought about. how nice it would be to have a baby at home to take care of and raise, one that i woudldnt have to "give up" every week and send back to their other parents house... couple this with the fact that recently i've known two moms who have either had their baby, or are having their baby and im left saddened by this news.  

i have two amazingly talented, beautiful boys that i gave birth to and are the loves of my life and for that i am blessed.  they are both healthy, happy (essentially), and well adjusted young men and every single day i thank god for their presence in my life.  but a part of me aches to feel those little butterfly movements, to feel that amazing bond of giving birth and yes, even the sleepless nights and midnight feedings.  

right now my heart is heavy... i know all things happen for a reason, and one day the reason will be apparent, but for now, i am grieving the loss of my future ability to have another baby... wishing i had taken care of this years ago, wishing that i just had more time... and hoping that things turn out well in november.