I hate dreams, it means my life is falling apart

so i typically do not dream.  that or i just don't remember them through my medicated induced coma.  last night i had a very vivid dream.  my dream involved aileen, the boys and i going on vacation, and her letting us get two puppies and two ferrets while we were there.  we got them at the beginning of vacation, so we had already had two weeks to play with them.  needless to say we fell in love with their little personalities.  well, it was finally time to leave to go back home and aileen said that we couldnt take them with us, that we had to leave them in cape cod because we didnt have enough room in the car.  the boys seemed relatively unaffected by this sudden turn of events, but i was devistated.  we pulled away having left them in their crates on the doorstep of a rich persons house.  my eyes filled with tears, i thought how badly i'd miss them, and hoped that they'd get a good home.  


yesterday was a trying day.  John and i attended the boys travel team baseball games in NJ.  i felt isolated from the other parents, left out, alone and as an outsider in their lives.  support networks were there for rich and angie, as some of her family showed up, as did his parents.  i was thankful i had john, but he was the only person there in my corner.  i didnt think the boys wanted me there.  they seldom made eye contact and barely spoke to me.  i felt that i had travelled all that way for absolutely nothing.  all the while subjecting myself to the hurt that only a mother can feel when she feels that her children are slowly but surely being taken away.  i associate this experience with why i had the dream i did.  everything i love eventually leaves or is taken away from me.  i love my boys and slowly yet surely rich and angie are pitting the boys against me, to one day have them make the decision that they'd be better off with them than with me.  they'll be like the animals i fell in love with... left on the steps of rich and angie's house, while i hope and pray that their needs will be taken care of, as i drive away and watch them as their figures get smaller and smaller until they disappear.  


crystal