Tuesday, October 30, 2012

its amazing



how three little words can mean so much, change a mood, and change life courses.  those words are

"In a Relationship"

i hate seeing those words.  anger, fear, animosity, jealousy, sadness, despondency, and uncertainty.

i really dont like those words.  have i said that yet?

Friday, October 5, 2012

rashes left unnoticed.



about 4 weeks ago i noticed a red, unraised rash area under my left breast.  it was oval shaped, didnt itch, wasnt scaly, and looked just like some type of contact rash.  i figured it was from a bra that irritated the skin.  i left it alone, thinking it would go away... a week or so later, it was still there, and along side of it was another few oval shaped spots... again, no symptoms, so i left it alone.  last week i noticed my entire trunk was covered with these spots.  my back, my abdomen, my flank, and above my butt.  i then finally decided then it was time to get it looked at.  i spoke with a PA friend of mine at work who used to work for a dermatologist office, she thought it was ringworm... so she prescribed me a cream, i got it right away and applied.  where the heck did i get ringworm and why doesnt it itch were my first thoughts.  how can it be i've had this for almost 4 weeks and no one else in the house has come down with spots as ringworm is super contagious.  

at the same time, i've also been battling a sinus infection for about 3 to 4 weeks now.  started off typical for me, stuffy nose, discharge, no symptoms otherwise, no fever, or sore throat.  it then settled into my chest after three weeks and i decided to go to the MD for treatment.  while there, i had her look at my rash.  come to find out, its not ringworm, but a viral rash called pityriasis rosea.  http://www.skinsight.com/adult/pityriasisRosea.htm.   this rash is caused by a virus, typically comes on after the onset of a cold, and takes 6 weeks to 6 months to go away.  there is no treatment.  generally occurs once in life and hits people aged 10-35.  go figure.  no long term sequelae, however, one of the biggest side effects is chronic fatigue syndrome.  i had noticed about a month ago that i had lost any interest of doing much besides lounging and watching movies.  i slept a lot... now i know why.  this rash has halted any desire to lose weight, exercise or socialize with the outside world.  

its been pretty miserable dealing with a sinus infection, the daily stressors of a full time career, a hectic kid schedule and the fatigue associated with this rash.  somedays it overwhelms me.  this week alone i have been leaving work as early as i can, just to come home to rest.  some days are better than others.  today i feel good... tomorrow, well, we will see then.  

i wish life wasnt so difficult and i could just get a break....  

Monday, October 1, 2012

I wish


I were lovable
I was not broken
A used toy, left to rust
I could smile again
Feel loved
Love without pain
Love without sorrow
Love and trust
Not be hurt, time and time again
I could pick myself up, start life anew
Find happiness and smile.
Like the 21 year old girl
Who first learned to live and love
Only to lose again.
She existed once.
Smiled and trusted.
She knew she was worthless, but she smiled anyway.
With each broken promise, with each vow renewed, she knew, this too will end.
Nothing lasts forever.
Nothing except for the pain
The anguish
The despair.
Powerful yet helpless