its been a week...

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say?  And why are you waiting?  ~Stephen Levine

its been a week since i've been involved in anything kink related.  that sounds so silly yet so real to me.  i've been living a life of a kinky woman for over a year and in the blink of an eye... its gone.  like an alcoholic gives up their daily fix, i have given up the kinky part of myself as a protective mechanism, to keep me safe, to make life seem real.  most days i feel numb, wondering if ever i will be able to return, if ever i really want to return.  i've gone above and beyond just returning to "pre kink" life... i've taken a front seat and turned the tables in much of my personal interractions.  being rather bossy at home, and having a say in my own pleasure has been different.  something i havent done in quite a while.  heck, physical contact for the most part has come to a screeching halt.  not necesairly what i would call enjoyable... but necessary for the time being.

a former friend once told me that if the lifestyle doesnt bring you utter happiness then you should let it go, that it wasnt the path they should be on... so, that's what i've done, but it doesnt make it easier.  i miss the D/s aspect the most i think.  the domestic servitude, knowing i am making someone happy, that i am pleasing them has been greatly missed.  feeling rope on my skin or the anticipation of a finger tracing areas where i cannot stop them.  the words "good girl" that can truly make me wet with anticipation... all gone.  the lifestyle events, the listening and sharing of ideas, hearing that im not some sexual deviant who has issues beyond repair.  hearing that even though i love being tied up and used that its okay... and im okay for it.  back to square one is not a fun place to be.  thankfully i have two people who are helping me find my light and begin to shine again, in ways beyond lifestyle.  he is helping me to see that i can be loved and valued, and she is helping me see that im so much more than what i give myself credit for.  it is taking time... and will be a work in progress, but we will get there. 

i miss my "friends." (well, people i thought were friends...) i miss them very much.  or do i miss what i thought they were to me?  here i thought i was building relationships which would be long lasting and forever, little did i know, that not one single soul cared... i've not gotten one email, not one call.  i guess i didnt fit their mold, i was too drama laden, or their cups are full on their own.  its okay.  i know they've moved on... i am too, still makes me sad to know that no one cared to hear my side of the story, no one cared to know how this was all effecting crystal.  no one cared to know that my heart breaks a little each day when i know im hurting or neglecting someone i loved.  friends inquire, friends worry, friends try to help... these people abandoned me, and i'll never forget that.    

relationships are mending since the "incident" at the munch a little over a week ago.  my partner and i have found what seems to be a happy medium, albeit there is work to do.  my boyfriend (while i hate that word, i dont know what else to call him...) and i are finding our way into something long lasting and true.  we are learning to be a poly triad without the lifestyle things standing in the way.  i love them.  i love them both... so this has to work.  i cannot see my life without either of them... i hope we can get to a happy place, i pray we can get to a happy place... 

      Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.  ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

breathing sometimes isnt easy, but you do it anyway.

sometimes your heart hurts so badly that you dont want to even think of breathing again.  sometimes you forget and dont want to breathe.  your head feels light, your heart feels heavy, as if lead weights were on your chest... and then, your medulla kicks in and it just happens.  you cant help it.  you cant hold your breath forever.  so you finally take that deep gasp and everything starts to focus again.

its been a while since i've posted here.  but i suddenly feel the need due to recent events over the past week or so.  many of you who read this know that my partner and i have been in an "open/polyamourous" relationship for the last year.  while this never fully materialized until recently, it kind of "fell into my lap."  my partner has had a friend (J) that she's worked with for almost two years and i have definitely had a crush on him over the course of time that we've become acquainted. about 2 months ago, she told him about my attraction, they'd been taking about it and, one day we had a playdate... the rest is history.  

she tried to introduce him to the fetlife/alternative scene, but chatting about it at work, showing him pictures, telling him stories... and initially things seemed to go well.  he was/is interested in learning and growing but unfortunately schedules and personal issues had been preventing the development of this interest on his part.  we were getting along wonderfully and the three of us were playing on a weekly basis.  this past friday, things didnt seem to go as well as they had in the past.  she put the pressure on him to actually create/lead the scene and with his lack of experience in this realm, it ended up being a failure in essence.  one that left me in tears and one which took me a few days to recover from... but i had.  they both told me they wanted to continue on and try to build our relationship.  not once had she told me that this wasnt working for her, that she wasnt interested in making this work, or that she was upset with the time that he and i were spending together.    

fast forward to the "Annapolis Munch" on monday of this past week... we (my partner and i) had invited J to join us in meeting our friends and attending this lifestyle event.  they (my partner and J) even met early to shop for olive oils and yummy balsamic vinegars at a fine retailer in Annapolis.  i met them after work and things seemed to go well.  that was until the actual munch itself.  

lets place ourselves in J's shoes... you are younger (26), never been a part of anything like this, and you are brought into a fairly large group to "get to know" and meet your girlfriend's friends.  a bit of apprehension and ambivalence, as well as a bit of anxiety and nerves kick in and you have a recipe for problems.  being the "caretaker" that i am, i felt the need to shelter and protect him.  i wanted to keep him feeling comfortable, so i focused much of my attention on chatting with him.  i didnt want him to feel left out.  i knew my partner could hold her own in this crowd, as this was something we'd been doing for over a year.  we both knew almost everyone there and i felt that her confidence with knowing everyone would help her to chat amongst others and myself.  well, this wasnt exactly how things went down.  

so she decides (for whatever reason) to remove herself from my side and go and chat with others at the table, which was fine, i knew she wanted to see everyone as it had been a while since we all got together in the same space.  i have been on a diet/exercise/self improvement kick and hadnt wanted to meet up with anyone in the last few months... until this day.  so i sat next to the boyfriend and we chatted, held hands under the table and held conversation.  i didnt see an issue with this.  WE (my partner  and i) invited him, and hence we absorb some responsibility for introducing him into the scene. well, i guess things became "overwhelming" for her and she went outside, only to be followed by one of our friends.  my guess was this was done to make sure she was okay.  

from my perspective, this brought unnecessary attention to the fact that she was uncomfortable with his presence, and in front of those that i was hoping would accept my boyfriend into our little world.  rather, i felt that this caused a sense of "awwww... poor (insert partners name here)..."  this infuriated me, upset me, and made me feel like a horrible person, when i really didnt do anything wrong.  i was tending to someone who WE brought, who was new, nervous and really doing this so that he could be a part of this world.  i wasn't holding his hand and chatting with him as a way to make her feel uncomfortable, i was doing this so that he would feel accepted.  i left the munch feeling unaccepted, hurt, lost and alone.  all of which made me decide that fetlife, and its multitude of issues was not for me.  that night, i decided to delete my account and remove all of the "friends" which i thought i had there.  in essence, i needed space, and this was the only way i thought i could find it.  

let me rewind a bit and give a bit of a background.  did i overreact?  some would say yes, and i would totally understand that.  simply because i am an "all or nothing" kind of person i made a very rash decision, one that i've had several regrets doing.  not that this is any sort of "reason" but my boyfriend and i have been sexually active and after over a year of being on any form of birth control i decided to re-enter the world of hormonal contraception prevention.  i started on the nuvaring so that i could regulate my cycles as well as prevent myself from getting pregnant when he and i were intimate.  i have a number of reasons for this, the biggest one being i am done having children.  well, the ring left me "nuttier than a fruit cake made by my aunt june..."  so hormonally i was losing my mind.  i also add that while we did use a condom in the past, i was a bit nervous and took Plan B after one of our encounters so that i did not get pregnant... (double dose of hormones...) let me say, this isnt the first time i've lost my mind because of birth control.  i was on Mirena for 5 years and while i loved it for its qualities of no period for 5 years, i ended up on antidepressant medication because it made me mean, jealous, spiteful and angry... ALL THE TIME.  since being off of Mirena, i was able to remove myself from the antidepressant meds and all has been well.  so... discussions have taken place and we have decided to stop the ring and will utilize other methods of birth control.  

i love my partner more than life, i really do, but her actions hurt me the other night, as im sure i did her. how would i have acted had she brought another person to the munch with us, flip the tables in essence,  i have no clue how i would react, but if we invited this person and agreed that they should be a part of this with us and i would have been supportive of her, at least in public.  my issues would have been delt with behind closed doors had they arisen.  do i think i was right by sitting by his side and engaging in conversation with him?  most definitely.  that is my personality.  do i think i would do things differently?  maybe i would have lessened the intensity to which i paid him attention.  but besides that i wouldnt have changed how i acted.  i love both of them and i wanted them to know that.  i needed him to know that he was the most important male for me who was there and i wanted her to know that she was the most important female.  she didnt give me that chance to show it because she left my side, and in essence abandoned me, leaving me feeling alone, vulnerable and hostile.  

i know i may have (and have) hurt some feelings because of my rash behavior of deleting every single soul on my profile, but its what i had to do to protect myself and my relationships.  i didnt want to spew my anger for all to see, so i disengaged and moved on.  do i miss the kink?  of course i do.  this is something that is a part of me.  but for right now, i have to give it up.  i cant do it... not with either of them.  and i think that's okay.  i've decided to reactivate my fetlife account so that i can continue to receive messages and keep up with events.  i may not be attending anything, and i have pretty much lost all my friends there... but life will and does go on.  i just hope some of those i made question my actions read this and have a better sense and understanding.  

we are human.  we make mistakes.  we hopefully learn from them, and we move on and continue to live another day.  

again, im sorry if i hurt anyone's feelings.  it wasnt my intention, but i had to protect myself somehow... and in a hormonal induced state, these were my choices and i've nothing to do but live with them.  

take care, 
crystal.