its been a week...

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say?  And why are you waiting?  ~Stephen Levine

its been a week since i've been involved in anything kink related.  that sounds so silly yet so real to me.  i've been living a life of a kinky woman for over a year and in the blink of an eye... its gone.  like an alcoholic gives up their daily fix, i have given up the kinky part of myself as a protective mechanism, to keep me safe, to make life seem real.  most days i feel numb, wondering if ever i will be able to return, if ever i really want to return.  i've gone above and beyond just returning to "pre kink" life... i've taken a front seat and turned the tables in much of my personal interractions.  being rather bossy at home, and having a say in my own pleasure has been different.  something i havent done in quite a while.  heck, physical contact for the most part has come to a screeching halt.  not necesairly what i would call enjoyable... but necessary for the time being.

a former friend once told me that if the lifestyle doesnt bring you utter happiness then you should let it go, that it wasnt the path they should be on... so, that's what i've done, but it doesnt make it easier.  i miss the D/s aspect the most i think.  the domestic servitude, knowing i am making someone happy, that i am pleasing them has been greatly missed.  feeling rope on my skin or the anticipation of a finger tracing areas where i cannot stop them.  the words "good girl" that can truly make me wet with anticipation... all gone.  the lifestyle events, the listening and sharing of ideas, hearing that im not some sexual deviant who has issues beyond repair.  hearing that even though i love being tied up and used that its okay... and im okay for it.  back to square one is not a fun place to be.  thankfully i have two people who are helping me find my light and begin to shine again, in ways beyond lifestyle.  he is helping me to see that i can be loved and valued, and she is helping me see that im so much more than what i give myself credit for.  it is taking time... and will be a work in progress, but we will get there. 

i miss my "friends." (well, people i thought were friends...) i miss them very much.  or do i miss what i thought they were to me?  here i thought i was building relationships which would be long lasting and forever, little did i know, that not one single soul cared... i've not gotten one email, not one call.  i guess i didnt fit their mold, i was too drama laden, or their cups are full on their own.  its okay.  i know they've moved on... i am too, still makes me sad to know that no one cared to hear my side of the story, no one cared to know how this was all effecting crystal.  no one cared to know that my heart breaks a little each day when i know im hurting or neglecting someone i loved.  friends inquire, friends worry, friends try to help... these people abandoned me, and i'll never forget that.    

relationships are mending since the "incident" at the munch a little over a week ago.  my partner and i have found what seems to be a happy medium, albeit there is work to do.  my boyfriend (while i hate that word, i dont know what else to call him...) and i are finding our way into something long lasting and true.  we are learning to be a poly triad without the lifestyle things standing in the way.  i love them.  i love them both... so this has to work.  i cannot see my life without either of them... i hope we can get to a happy place, i pray we can get to a happy place... 

      Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.  ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859