so... my patience, i think it finally paid off... :)

kinda funny that im posting this... because while i still feel a bit insecure about this (budding) relationship, i feel better than i did yesterday.  conversations today have made me feel more confident that things are going in the right direction and that im not going to be left asking questions and wondering why in the end.  im happier than i've been with a potential play partner, and more confident.  and while he's new and needs a little coaxing... my partner is just the one to do it.  she loves seeing me happy, she makes me happy... he makes me happy... life doesnt get much better than this, i have to say.  someone told me to "wait for the right one..."  im glad i did.  :)

conscious stream of thoughts...

my head is a muddled mess right now... it always is after a playdate.  why on earth is beyond me, but it is.  conscious stream of thoughts is inevitable for the first 24 hours or so... and mostly focused on things like did i do everything right?  what did i do wrong?  how did i look?  did i say the right things?  did everyone have a good time?  ugh, that was an unflattering position, did my butt look too fat, what about my hips, were they too big? what was she thinking?  is she going to be mad?  how did she feel?  did i make her proud?  is she going to get upset?  did he enjoy himself?  was it to much?  can i live up to his expectations?  what can i expect next?  will there be a next time?  if there isnt a next time will i be okay with that... please brain, dont let me get hurt, www.mustdetachfirst.com 


i took a huge leap and put a full frontal nude on fetlife today.  will i keep it there?  i dont know.  while im getting better with my body i am still self conscious of the marks that a life filled with quite a bit of surgery and problems has left me.  i dont have a perfect body and while my partner knows this and loves my every curve, i cant help but want to be a size 2, perfect legs, perfect arms... a flat stomach, and nerdy as hell.  :)  i have the nerdy part down.  im very much a dork.  i've given birth to two amazing babies, i've had a total of 5 surgeries in my life and my roadmaps tell a story of a mom who had an addiction and gave birth preterm, and a woman who has pushed through all those familial issues and become a great mom, partner and person even though... 


im in the mood to watch a really scary movie tonite, something that will keep me awake, so that i dont have to dream.  if i dream, tonite, i know that it will be of today, and while i enjoy this, i dislike it as well, because in my mind i will continue to question every single action, every single move.  when do i allow myself to just enjoy the moment, enjoy the experience and let things be?  


i was thinking J was nervous today... i was too, but i knew i was in good hands.  i worry that this "lifestyle" is too much and that he will decide that since its not for him that he doesnt want to pursue anything further.  id understand, its not for everyone, and it can be a bit intimidating... but i feel humbled to have spent today with two people that i truly enjoy and truly care about. 


i also learned that i do not want to eat pizza ever again.  my new diet and lifestyle is not conducive to pizza consumption.  i feel like crap... my tummy is in knots and i hope it settles... soon.  i think i may need a 12 step program tomorrow just to overcome this heavy and weighted feeling im experiencing... 


well, just sharing, writing about today... and whatever else is on my mind... i'll end this here.  write more soon. 

the life of a masochist. getting there... and falling back out...

welp, lets see.  my girlfriend thinks im a masochist.  while i tend to claim that i am not, and i will deny this until the end of the earth i can say, i do enjoy pain... if given properly, with adequate warm up, with the right mindset, and with the right person.  so my partner wanted me to write about how i mentally get to the place where i can enjoy pain and not curse her until i scream my safeword.... 

its all about the build up.  for me, this may take days, or even up to a week to get ready for.  its something that i crave and in order to tolerate it, i must first crave it.  its definitely not something that can just randomly happen.  while i can tolerate a spanking, maybe a light paddling, flogging, etc... the dreaded mode of torture is the cane.  i hate the damn cane and curse its existence.  

external stress is a huge factor.  one that causes me to need pain, as well as one that causes me to have a more difficult time processing pain.  if i am dealing with child issues, work issues, and the like and cannot put them aside enough to enjoy myself mentally then there is no way i will be able to tolerate that mode of pain.  i may be able to tolerate others, but not as harshly.  i can always tolerate rope... the more tightly bound i am, the happier of a place i can get to, and the more i can tolerate.  if i am unable to move, it seems i can handle more pain as well.  if tied too loosely and not in a way that prohibits motion then i squirm more and can move when i anticipate a swat.  blindfolds help too, this way i dont know when its coming.  

i am very much a sensual person, so to prepare for pain it definitely helps to be touched softly, have the right music on, the right lighting... the dogs put away.  (nothing like having a dog bark at you to end the mood.)  i have to regulate my breathing, and the caning needs to be rhythmic.  strangely enough i need the strokes to coincide with the music and my breathing.  oddly enough, i take pain much better when there is more than one person there.  it also makes it easier when there is good energy and ample trust in the person delivering the pain.  

and the last bit i wanted to add, is that a little clit stimulation or vaginal penetration helps take my mind off the negative sensation, and focus more on the positive sensation.  if i am about to orgasm, or close to orgasm i can pretty much take and enjoy anything.  

with the right people, the right mood, the right mindset and the right circumstances pain can totally set me into an orgasm... it takes work, it takes practice and its a learning curve for everyone... myself included.