another milestone

yesterday i heard the words i definitely did not want to hear... i should never get pregnant again because of the ventral hernia that i developed after my youngest was born.  to spare you the long story, following his birth, i had to have emergency surgery to correct a congenital deformity of my small intestine.  being left home with a newborn and an 18 month old right after surgery because my then husband had to travel and having to carry them around and take care of a house, essentially alone, i developed a hernia where they restitched the muscle back together.  i've been dealing with this hernia for 7 years now and finally decided that in november i will have it repaired.  after extensive research online about pregnancy following hernia surgery i learned that if i were to get pregnant after the repair, i should wait at least 5 years to allow the mesh to seat itself with my natural tissue... im 35, nearing 36.  my chances of ever carrying a child again are scant.  

i know it seems strange to hear me talking about having a child, but for the past year, its been close to all i've thought about. how nice it would be to have a baby at home to take care of and raise, one that i woudldnt have to "give up" every week and send back to their other parents house... couple this with the fact that recently i've known two moms who have either had their baby, or are having their baby and im left saddened by this news.  

i have two amazingly talented, beautiful boys that i gave birth to and are the loves of my life and for that i am blessed.  they are both healthy, happy (essentially), and well adjusted young men and every single day i thank god for their presence in my life.  but a part of me aches to feel those little butterfly movements, to feel that amazing bond of giving birth and yes, even the sleepless nights and midnight feedings.  

right now my heart is heavy... i know all things happen for a reason, and one day the reason will be apparent, but for now, i am grieving the loss of my future ability to have another baby... wishing i had taken care of this years ago, wishing that i just had more time... and hoping that things turn out well in november.