a letter to my boys...

dear boys, 

my life is you.  it always has been, it always will be, even before you were born, i knew i would love you beyond measure.  you are my morning, my noon, and my night.  you are my main reason for smiling and you being sad, injured, or hurt are the only things that can tear me apart.  not any physical injury in this world could be worse than knowing that you are sad.  when you are away from me, a bit of my heart is with you.  you keep it in your pocket, whether you know it or not... it is there... and it only comes back when you do.    

i tried to call you tonite.  i talked to you, my dear sweet tater and for that i am so thankful.  i got to hear your sleepy, yet sweet voice, and while short, you told me you loved me and that you missed me. you are my blonde haired spunky, sweet, kind and caring angel and you are one of the best gifts i've ever received.   

my wonderful oldest pumpkin pie... while i was waiting for your brother to get you, i heard your step mom yelling, i heard your daddy cussing, and i heard them tell you that you couldnt talk to me.  i heard it all, i know it wasnt you.  i know it was them.  i faintly heard someone crying.  i can only imagine it was you.  i hope the weekend wasnt too bad, i hope they took care of you and that you're safe.  i love you my dear sweet boy, you and your brother have to take care of each other when leenie and i cant be there to take care of you.  

i emailed your teacher to have her check on you... tell you i love you to the moon and back and that i will try again, that i will continue to fight this fight tomorrow and for however long it takes to get you home to me... permanently, away from the madness at your dads house.  away from her vicious lies and away from her hateful words.  

i am sad right now because its the first time in 4 years that your dad hasnt let me speak to you... my heart is broken right now... but wednesday when you bring me those precious two pieces all will be mended again.  

until then my sweet angels.  sleep well, and know that we're sleeping under the same dark sky... i am thinking of you.  i love you.  you are my heaven and earth sweet boys.  mommy loves you more than you'll ever know.  

always.  forever.  until the end of time.