i want to be free...

i feel held down, by past failures, by past let downs, by people in general.  the issues i've had with trust continue to come up full circle and its been difficult to handle.  a little over a week ago, another friend decided, even after a promise that she wouldnt do it... played with my friend/play partner SBN.  while im still "reeling" from the first disappointment, i get let down, yet again.  then SBN attempts to turn it around on me, making it even worse than it would have been otherwise.  stating that i "shouldnt have made her keep her promise after i moved past it with the first friend."  excuses.  just plain out excuses.  why am i so drawn to him when all he does is treat me badly, not care about my feelings and not open up at all????

im hurt, i dont know what makes me so undesirable... but apparently i am.  i've felt like a troll for the last week and its been miserable.  every day, i've looked at myself in the mirror and reminded myself of how ugly i am, and how i dont matter... at least in this world.  i cant keep the attention of the one person i wanted to keep as a play partner.  he's distant, more so now than before and i feel myself slipping further away.  which probably isnt such a bad thing considering he hurts me time and time again.  he claims to want to keep our friendship going on but his actions speak differently.  im distant from "friends" whom i thought cared, and i've had to "block" them from popping up in my feed... just so i dont have to see what they're doing...  

and these "friends" which i thought were friends... well, im not sure what they are now...  we dont talk, and when we do its superficial... but its had to be, because i wont let them hurt me again.  whats the saying?  "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me..."

i feel sad, alone, isolated, and in essence... used.  

used by him, by these "friends" and by the lifestyle in general.  makes me sad... knowing that i am honestly disposable to all of these people.  

at least i have the love of my girlfriend and i have the love of my kids.  those two things will pull me through this... there were here before the kink, and they'll be here long after anyone i meet on this random site ever will be.....