lying and the ethics of a stable relationship...

sometimes lies are necessary in order to keep someone safe.  for example, i've lied to my children a time or two in order to protect them from knowing what a complete a-hole their father is.  but i adhere to the fact that lying (especially in a relationship) is never positive.  its never necessary, its never a good thing and it always (most certainly) ends in heartache.  sometimes to protect your loved one you are placed in the predicament of lying or telling the truth and sometimes the lie seems the easier route.  but is this ethical?  have i done it, yes.  little white lies... am i proud of that, not at all.  but... recently, i was at the receiving end of a string of lies that has left me questioning humanity and the goodness of people.  let me start.. (and i apologize, this will be long...)

i've been dating this guy... lets call him john.  john and i met through my former partner, she introduced us.  they worked together for the last two years.  my partner and i were into a "kinkier/bdsm" lifestyle than many we knew and we decided to bring him into our relationship... at first for "play" purposes only.  she had told him about it and wild eyed and excited he accepted the invitation.  we had many a playdate which left me satiated and happy, head in a tailspin and my heart sitting there on the blanket on the floor asking to be cared for.  he was a beautiful and intelligent specimen and i was instantly enamored by his looks, his sense of humor, his love of life and his laughable nature.  he and i continued to pursue things, text messages were exchanged and oops.... i fell in love.  yep, the love bug bit me and this made me question the very existence of the relationship i had been in for 4 years.  the "safe" relationship that i know i could always turn to.  she and i parted ways... not simply because of this new relationship, but it was a driving force which caused the relationship to end.

lets talk about "him" for a bit shall we?  since this is about him anyway... well, "john" had a girlfriend of 8 years... someone he claimed to love but was not in love with.  someone he said he had "disconnected" from quite a while ago... so while we were dating, they were still together in the beginning... i know, bad girl... but guess what... it does in fact take two people to make a relationship... and he was a willing partner.  he "apparently" ended things with her about 6 weeks ago and she's been "moving out" since then.  i've been accepting of this, knowing that these things take time.  i mean, my ex and i still live together, as we are best friends and raising children together.  its not an easy situation.  i was respectful... but things started getting really difficult when i began to put pressure and was not getting anything in return.  how can someone continue to "move" for this long knowing the person they've been with wants them to be gone...

fast forward to Saturday June 9th.  so, john had a tournament he was supposed to compete in.  his grandfather apparently got sick and was rushed to a hospital in NJ, to which john and his family went to in order to be by his side.  fair enough.  he's a "family oriented" person... so i get that...  he said he wasnt going to compete because he would not be home in time and i believed him... that is until my "gut" kicked in and told me something was wrong and i needed to research.  so i did.  i researched and saw he placed 4th in his division.  his name... right there, black and white... placed.  now... his story was that he registered so they automatically entered his name even though he didnt compete.  BULLSHIT.  i called the tournament director, i emailed him directly and they confirmed my suspicion.  he competed, and he placed.  i also had another 3rd source to which directly told me to trust my instinct, that things werent "right" and that he competed.  this third party source i trust beyond a shadow of a doubt and had no reason to lie to me.

i decided to call things off with him because i cant trust him and relationships are built on trust.  we still continue to talk over this last week because i at least want to salvage a friendship... that was until today.  my former partner was working with yet another one of their coworkers who just ranted about all of johns antics... his "two" girlfriends, one of whom lives out of town... (we assume this was me...) and how he's had to "do what he has to do."  i also find out that he's not only been playing his still existent girlfriend who is not moving and he has not broken up with, but he's also been playing me, as he's been trying to "hook up" with random other girls.  WOW.

Me after calling my primary MD:  "Hello... yes, I'd like to make an appointment to get tested for STI's... yes, thats correct.  my fucking boyfriend is a lying, cheating piece of shit....  Tuesday... yes, i can come in Tuesday..."

right now... i feel lost, alone, lied to, cheated on, and worthless.  a stumbling block to the knowledge of how awesome i really am.  i'll pick myself up, i'll find a way not to hate him anymore and i'll move on with my life.... because in the end, whose life is richer?  i have amazing children, a good career, a wonderful best friend, and a fulfilled life.  i'll deal with each "punch" as it comes along... and i'll make the best of it.

goes to show you... you cannot trust a wolf in sheeps clothing.  in the end, its still just a wolf.  it will deceive you, hurt you, break your spirt and rip out your heart if it gets the chance.  thanks john for that. i appreciate it.