driving home yesterday.. i hear, from leenie the words that i knew, but never wanted to hear.
"your kids are closer to me because i spend more time with them...."
silence... dead silence, however, if you could hear a broken heart, this is what it would sound like.
horrible, negative words were exchanged and the drive home continued.
today, was my ex's weekend. leenie and i went to the boys baseball games anyway, because i had promised them we would and i wanted to see them play. i saw my kids smile with their step mother and father, i saw them coming up to them, chatting, having fun. this doesnt happen on my weekends. they never come up and talk about a play or an at bat... they never have two words to say.
leenie also made sure to tell me that this is because i look "sad" all the time at the games and spend a good portion of my time on my phone... my phone is my safety zone. when i am sad, the only way to hold back the tears is to emerge myself in another world... in games, in the land of social networking, in the land where im not criticized for being a bad parent and i can watch other friends parent their kids full time.
right now i feel alone...
right now i feel like my world has collapsed and inside in an empty pit...
right now i feel like a 35 year old wash up, who's had two failed divorces, and a failed 4 year relationship, who gave birth to two children who cant relate to her and cannot stand her.
right now i dont see any point in trying to better myself because everything i love leaves, or i hurt every person i touch.
so until god decides my time here is up, i'll work, i'll say goodbye to those i've hurt, i'll pick myself up, bottle up my feelings, and i'll move on as i do with every heartbreak.
i hope the boys i gave birth to have a very happy life and i hope their step mom meets their needs as a mother, because i cant do this anymore.
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