this week has been exceptionally bad. recovering from surgery, been home from work for 3 weeks, bored out of my mind, and then throw in that i lost a good friend because of facebook political commentary, she basically deleted me without even a note to say why... and her son is friends with my kids, so that makes it difficult. we've agreed to not allow this to come in between their relationships, albeit difficult.
my paternal uncle basically "disowned" me because of my political beliefs and my quirky and dry sense of humor, then i find out today that not only does my uncle not accept me, but neither does the father that i've tried to reconnect with. and my uncle was the one three years ago who tried to bring my boys and i into this family again. i talked to my paternal aunt today, and while she and i will remain in contact, i have chosen to keep myself and my boys away from that toxic mess of a family. i lived 33 years without the presence of my father, and i can live many more in the same fashion. i will miss getting to know my brothers, but, i have to say, they've rarely made contact either, and the few times they have its been because they needed something. my father's family are a bunch of fuck ups, crude, irrational and plain old mean individuals. i should be happy to see them go for good, with a sense of closure, but rather i have a sense of loss. not primarily for me, but for my boys. i want a stable life for them, and no matter how hard i try, i just cannot get there.
i received a phone call yesterday from my first ex husbands sister, what i thought was going to be a friendly "how have you been call" turned out to be a "so i was going through moms stuff and she had a note that stated she loaned you money about 5 years ago... well, we need that money back..." when my ex mother in law loaned me that money it was basically stated to me that i didnt need to pay her back, that if i could then that would be great but if i couldnt then that was okay too. now my ex mother in law has early onset dementia and her daughter has taken her in and taken over her finances, goes through the old house and finds some note her mom wrote... and to top it off, threatens to take me to court if i dont start paying. i told her i'd do what i can, but i cant promise anything steady. you cant get money when there is none there. there was no legally binding contract, i thought she was helping me... i thought she was being kind as she always had. now, this women who doesnt recognize me, remember me, nor my children, who has let her house go to foreclosure and moved to NC, is going to take me to court? highly doubtful, but saddens me just the same. i lost her son as a friend a few months ago over some comments he made regarding my life choices... i guess i've lost his mom and sister too.
then this afternoon. relationships are hard. sometimes i wonder whether the work "pays off" in the end. with my kids, always. hard work=good children who are loving, kind, compassionate and overall amazing. romantic relationships are much more difficult. this morning, spent some time with john. it was great, breakfast, movie, laughter, and fun. i left to go to the grocery, he had a commitment to attend to. he promised to come over afterwards. 430pm came around, i knew how far away he was, and i knew there was no way he'd be able to come over and spend quality time because he has to work tomorrow morning. so i told him to forget it, stay home. im the type of person who an hour isnt enough, 30 minutes isnt enough. not when you want to spend every waking moment with that person, so that quick 60 minutes goes by to fast, leaves me saddened, and heartbroken because i didnt get more time.
i am the type of person who needs a set schedule with mapped out times for everything. i need structure, a plan and rules. i need boundaries, i need foundations. i need to know that i have the time set aside for the things i have planned. for example, i picked up some things to make for dinner when he came over. figured i'd finish my cookie baking and then we'd have a nice dinner together and watch a show and he'd head home. i counted on a minimum of 3 hours. he couldnt give me that, so i panicked. i felt let down. i felt hurt that he scheduled something in between our time together which impinged on my evening plans. and this commitment, was one more of hobby than of necessity. i understand that he is passionate about this hobby, but to cut our only day together in little pieces so you could do ninja twice in a day? either sketchy and not true, or to me, shows that our time isnt as important. if you cant keep promises, dont make them. these were plans i had counted on since i wont see him again until at the earliest next monday or tuesday. and thats if he doesnt work... then wednesday, my reality of work returns and time will be minimal. makes me sad. i feel let down. i know he loves me, sometimes i wonder if its enough though. he's quite younger than me, i still have my doubts about his present living situation and his honesty with those he's closest to about our relationship. most days i figure its just that we just havent figured out how to balance his carefree nature, and my need to have every second of my life worked out to a minute detail. other days i wonder if we ever will get there.
but you cannot help who you love, how you love and who you are. i've had a lot of "loss" this week, and right now, i've not had a dry eye since writing this. i hope i dont have this to look forward to for the next month... please Jan 2, hurry up and get here so i can start a new year, maybe this one will bring more smiles than tears.
awe hugs to you, you are going through a bad time at the moment...have faith things will get better for you.
ReplyDeleteblossom x