jealousy...

in a perfect world jealousy wouldnt exist.  it is an emotion that to me is senseless.  it just causes stress, and anxiety.  it can make you physically sick and cause you to spiral into thoughts of "am i worth it."  

"I have come to learn that this instinctive emotion is merely trying to protect our ego, by burying our inadequacies and insecurities. Our mind is at work protecting us in the comforts of our little cocoon shell. But to what benefit does it serve?"

my jealousy issues stem from my feelings of being replaced, of being not important, being pushed aside, belittled, or not being good enough, not being pretty enough, and not meeting expectations.  in the world of public play, they also have to do with the fact that i believe that everyone's body is more attractive than mine and they all look so much better than i do scantily clothed (or nude).  

last night, a play partner of mine was at the playhouse and was there playing with someone else.  i knew in advance, so that helped.  this was good for me to experience, however difficult it was.  i couldn't watch the whole thing, as a matter of fact i would watch and then divert my attention elsewhere, leave the room or retreat into my own mind to escape.  it truly helps that people play all over the place and there are plenty of areas to look and pay attention.  it helps ground me that i didn't have to watch their whole scene.  

i couldn't really "deal" with it while i was there, had to keep my "game" face on... but i have dealt with it since then.  reflecting on why i felt the way i did and moving past those emotions are necessary for me in order to continue in this lifestyle in the fashion that i am, and to keep the friendship with this man whom i care for... more than he'll ever know.  you cannot expect people to change their behavior, so you have to either cut them loose or change your own.  so i made my decision to change mine.  

i have to stop comparing myself to other people.  realizing that i'm an individual and that people like me for who i am, and they aren't comparing me to anyone else needs to be one of the first things i deal with.  i have a lot of self image issues.  one of the main hurdles i hope that this lifestyle helps me face, confront and get past.  i need to see the benefits of uniqueness and stop focusing on what "she" has that "i" don't.  comparing yourself to others is more detrimental than you can imagine.  you are here for a reason, and people care about you, for all of the traits that make you who you are.  its mentally getting to the point of accepting that and reveling in it that's difficult.  it will take some time, but i'll get there, i'll learn to love my own body, and all of its imperfections and i'll turn that into something positive and one day the jealousy bug wont bite so hard.  :)

Enigma.