you know that they do say that time heals all wounds... but i wonder, is it time that truly does this or is it just us, moving on, the wounds closing, being adults and saying "fuck it" i cant keep this shit up, i need to let it go. for some of us its a moment in time that makes us see that we've been brooding/obsessing over something that truly in the grand scheme of things is inconsequential. for some people its a miracle, an act of kindness, a word from a friend, an email, a piece of information that changes everything...
a friend read my last blog and emailed me her thoughts regarding my issues/ideas. this was totally a surprise as while she may read postings, watch all my sordid and tormented details on fetlife and from afar she may make a mental note on occasion, i was happily surprised that she truly cared enough to send me a few words of encouragement. amongst a few other heartfelt statements, she gave me probably one of the best pieces of advice i've ever received with regard to the whole BDSM lifestyle...
"It's cops and robbers for grown ups with our clothes off."
Thats really all this stuff is. Its fun, its exciting, and for many of us, its part of who we are. its part of what "gets us off" and makes our minds expand and our "juices" flow... but its not real life. you cant take this into a court of law and say "Your honor... so see, we made this blood pact in front of everyone while there was a dildo up my ass and i was suspended over a bed of flaming coals... so you completely have to uphold this...." it doesnt work that way. its fun, its exciting, and if we let it consume us it can take control of our entire being. im not that girl. it isnt going to consume me. i love the idea of 24/7, but at one point, when "life" gets real... all this "stuff" gets pushed to the side and we take care of what needs to be done.
while i hate to admit it, i am a fairly sexual person, i think about sex and sex acts fairly frequently, much more than i will ever admit to... most of the time i'll act so laissez faire that you'll have no clue im even remotely interested. and to get to that place, do you know what gets me aroused, the feel of wax and rope on my skin, a sharp sting across my backside, a bite to the shoulder, a blindfold so i have no clue whats next, a good game of role play, a bit of a mind game, maybe some consentual nonconsent. am i warped because these things cross my mind? no way... its part of me, and i am so happy i've allowed these feelings to come out and into the open. sometimes i get overwhelmed by how much i enjoy it and in turn i do sometimes get guilty feelings over it... but you know what, its okay... because at the end of the day... i have a few things i can always hold onto.... i have the love of my partner, and she will support me no matter where this lifestyle takes us. back to vanilla life? she'll go along with me... tie me up and abuse me, well, she'd be up for that too....
im one of the lucky ones, i have found my penguin. the person that was made for me and she's okay with my quirks, my neediness, my need for a tiara every now and then and she'll be there as a shoulder to cry on whenever i need her. when this "lifestyle" and those involved are cruel she's always there to try to make me smile.
That my friends is what its all about. sharing in this life, with someone who not only doesnt judge you, but enjoys the ride as well.
Enigma.
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