if i had $1 for every time i put someone else ahead of my own self i'd be a millionaire...

what i wouldnt give for this to be true!  i had a good cry tonite.  yes, part emotion because of the freaking imbalance of estrogen/progesterone that occurs once per month, but partly because i had to get this off my chest.  i am always giving in. always being the one to let the "fight" go for the greater good of the relationship.  


with my first marriage, while a good person, he was controlling.  i was in my early 20's and time and time again i sacrificed experiencing all of the "rites of passage" because i was a wife, and i was doing what i felt at that time i needed to do in order to be a good wife, partner, and to keep the peace.  sure, i wanted to go out and drink/party with my friends, but i didnt.  because i wanted to keep the peace. 


my second marriage i gave up a lot too... and i wouldnt trade that for the world.  for 4 years, while my kids were young i worked weekends only, he worked weekdays, so the kids were seldom in childcare.  we took turns and i sacrificed the family gatherings, etc to take care of my family.  my ex had a "tenuous" career and could get laid off for cutbacks at any given point in time.  so we needed the stability of my income.  


even now... i live in the house i do because i want to provide my kids with the home they were born/raised in.  even if this means i work crazy hours, miss field trips, cant volunteer as much as i'd like, and miss practices during the week.  mom has to work is a phrase my kids use all too often.  what they dont see is that i do what i do so that they can experience and have all the things that they do.  so that we can keep our acreage, our home, our dogs, etc... they dont realize i divorced their dad so that they wouldnt have to see the arguing, the fighting anymore... little did i know that it would actually get (and stay) worse than what they'd experienced before.  


and then right now... not only do i feel betrayed by a friend that i thought i could trust, but i have not received a text, call, nothing from the guy whom this was all over.  i seldom talk to my "supposed" protector, this person who is supposed to be helping me navigate through this overwhelming lifestyle is missing and doesnt appear interested.  time and time again i've gotten our group together, hosted at my house, not asked for a thing.  i offered her daughter a place to stay and even offered to drive her to work when i was going that way.  


i DO enjoy doing things for people, i really do.  i am definitely a service type person, i love making those around me happy, i like them to feel safe and i want them to like me, and want them to know that i'd be there if they ever needed me.  because i would.  my career is as a nurse, i do for people every single day.  all their needs placed before my own because that's who i am and that's what i do.  


even a person like me can get tired.  im tired of always being the one to have to let go of their anger, animosity, hurt, their time, their needs.  to sacrifice all of me to take care of others is physically wearing on me right now.  i need to not think, not be concerned, not worry and i dont see that happening any time soon.  i feel like a hamster on a wheel, the scenery may change when my cage is moved, but i still never get anywhere.  its the same wheel.  just a different cage.  


Enigma