most people dont know this... but back when i was 15, i was bulimic. i was bulimic because i was constantly told i was fat, ugly, etc. i couldnt make myself be anorexic, the drive to eat was too strong, so, rather than that i decided to binge and purge. like clock work i was able to down an entire box of doughnuts, feel guilty 10 minutes later and end up holding onto the porcelain god. i could make myself throw up without much thought or effort. it came naturally. this went on for nearly 3 years until i stopped because i was damaging my teeth and had no idea how bad it was getting. part of the bulimia was to release stressors that i couldnt handle otherwise. so, what did i turn to during this difficult time? i turned to cutting. i found that by intentionally harming myself i could release the pain that i was experiencing with each little slice. i did this for a good 4 years, once a week, sometimes less often as you begin to run out of space... but, about 4 months ago, it started again and i am having a difficult time stopping. so in perusing the internet for blogs about self harm i found this little challenge, figured i'd work through it and see if it was therapeutic and could help me stop... again.
so i decided to do the challenge...
1. How long have you been self harming? discuss why you started. since i was 17 or so. i had just given up bulimia and needed an outlet. i had one of those foot razors to scrape off callouses and decided to use the razor (a fresh one) to cut the insides of my thighs. i needed to fill the void that giving up bulimia had created.
2. what part of your body is most affected by it? my inner thighs.
3. What is your motivation to recover? my children. summer is coming and i know it will be nearly impossible to hide every mark or make excuses as to why they are there. i dont want them to know me this way, i want to get better to be a better mom for them.
4. Do you consider yourself "addicted"? Why or why not? yes. i think about it every day. while i only cut once or twice a month when the stress gets really intense, i have the desire to do it daily.
5. What part of self harm do you dislike the most? starting the initial mark. the first slice. the first slight scrape down my thigh before the blood starts to flow. thats when its the hardest. thats when you know that if you stop, you've caused no injury, no blood has been shed. i also dislike a few days after, when i look at it and wonder what the heck i was thinking. looking at the scars makes you realize how bad the pain is that you feel inside.
6. What about it do you enjoy? the amazing endorphin rush when i see the first drop of blood. the spinning out of body feeling, like im not a part of my own life, like my life is not my own. the physical pain which for a moment overshadows the emotional pain.
7. list 10 activities that help you calm down. reading, watching a movie, going for a walk, watching my boys play baseball, used to be hanging with friends (but i have none anymore), cycling, taking a nap, taking an ativan. i know thats not 10, but there isnt a whole lot that calms me.
8. What is the most supportive thing anyone has said to you about self harm? last night i told my ex girlfriend i cut. she held me tighter and told me she loved me.
9. Have you ever taken pictures of your wounds? Discuss. i have. twice. i wanted to remember what it looked like when the blood was flowing. i also took them to show my ex boyfriend. in hopes he would care. he didnt.
10. How do you feel about your scars? i hate them mostly because summer is coming and i'll be wearing shorts soon, wearing shorts is hard when you've utilized most of the "hidden" places and have had to move down the thigh to find fresh skin.
11. Strangest place you've ever injured yourself? on my body i almost exclusively cut my inner thighs because its hidden. i cut at work one time. the pain i was feeling was too intense and i had to release it somehow.
12 where do you keep your tools? how do you dispose of them? well, i have a whole medical box full of things. i bring them home from work. dispose of them in the trash, under other things so no one will see them.
13. what is the biggest realization about self harm you've had? that it truly does only hurt me. its one of those things that i can hide well and dont have to worry about hurting anyone else.
14. Is there anyone you consider to be an inspiration in your recovery? no. right now im not recovering. i still need the outlet.
15. Do you visit any websites about self harm? i've visited self harm blogs. i dont relate in most ways with them simply because this starts at such a young age. im much older than these girls. when i was younger and cutting i could definitely relate.
16. What advice would you give to someone about self harm? its like a moth to a flame, it cant help itself. you cant help but cut once you've done it before and you realize how it numbs you, how you no longer feel when you do it. it becomes like a drug.
17. Do you know anyone else who injures themselves? no.
18. Write a letter to the future recovered you. right now i cant do this, because i cant see myself recovered yet. i need to get over some of this hurt.
19. List 5 reasons that recovery is worth it. mostly just my boys having a mom who doesnt do that. they are my only reason for breathing. they are all i have.
20. What is the most vivid memory you have about self harm? the first time i did it i was in the bathroom at my then mother in law's house. i used a callous razor. didnt sterilize it first and i cut on the inside of my wrist. i chalked up the bandage to burning myself with a curling iron.
21. Have you ever tried to stop in the past? What are you doing differently this time? i have. and i did. for almost 15 years. this time, right now, im not trying to stop.
22. Where do you feel the most calm? in bed, when im asleep. its the only time my head turns off.
23. What is your favorite inspirational quote? “Accept responsibility for your life. Know that it is you who will get you where you want to go, no one else.” – Les Brown
24. What are some of your main triggers? Why? main triggers usually occur when something happens in my life that i have little to no control over, or experience extreme sadness over. for some reason my divorce didnt trigger many cutting sessions, just one. but the breakup of my relationship with john, the turmoil surrounding it, the lies, the deceit, i have been doing it at least weekly. why? well, i typically cannot cry easily. not enough to express my internal sorrow. cutting/pain helps release that. it gives me a visual reminder of what my life has become.
25. Do you know any statistics about self harm? i know its mostly younger people, teens. but look at me, a pathetic 36 year old who cant deal with her shit, who decides to cut to ease her pain. yay. go me.
26. What is something that makes you the most happy? my boys.
27. Discuss any and all progress you've made. i went a week without at one point, then hit a bump in the road and started up again.
28. What short term goals do you have? make it through tomorrow without hurting myself. i have to take it day by day. unfortunately my living situation is about to change on saturday and i wont have much if any time alone anymore. i'll probably take to cutting at work during my lunch break.
29. Do you follow any self harm blogs? i've perused them on occasion. i relate to the pain, but not the situations for the most part. my situations are adult, different... but i guess we all suffer in our own ways, and regardless of why, we all cut for a reason.
30. Post your favorite picture of yourself and a positive message to look back on.
you were happy at one time. you will be again. just give yourself a fighting chance. you're left with the scars, the memories, but you dont have to do it anymore. live one day at a time. and keep living. you're worth it and your boys need you.
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