i cant talk about fantasies... but can i write them?

fan·ta·sy/ˈfantəsē/

Noun:

The faculty or activity of imagining things that are impossible or improbable.

fantasies.... they dont come true right?  when i was younger, i had a fantasy that i would be the thin, popular girl.  i also had the fantasy of owning a unicorn... it never happened, neither of them. rather i hung out with people who cared about me, people from all walks of life, of all styles, they were those who i could confide in, those whom i knew would be there through thick and through thin.  so was the fantasy of being the popular girl better than reality?  i dont think so.  not in that case.  what i had were friends who i knew respected me, cared for me, and loved me.  that was better than any fantasy could be or ever have been.


flash forward to now... this blog isnt exactly about the past, even though that may come up sometime... its about my journey into the life of S/m, D/s.  so lets talk about THOSE fantasies.

•     fantasy #1:  one of pursuit, take down and capture.  you know... the one where im at some public place, i get a whisper in my ear that im being followed and that i am to go directly to "x" place... at which point i am forced against my will to do things that i wouldnt dream of. until finally i give in....
•     fantasy #2:  given instruction by someone to be naked, sitting in a chair, place my own blindfold, and wait there... at which point someone comes, tightens the blindfold, binds me to the chair, places ear plugs.  i have no clue what's going on... who's there... but i feel hands, several sets of hands, touching... and i havnent a clue who they belong to.  delightfully tortured for a time unknown to me... to have my blindfold removed, the binding undone and to see only my beloved girlfriend in front of me smiling.  i ask a million questions and get no answer... never knowing who was there.  
•     fantasy #3:  hiking, nice picnic, waterfalls, fall leaves, amazing bondage, to a tree... fearful that someone may come by... taken advantage of in delightful ways.  grins.  
•      fantasy #4:  watching my girlfriend be delightfully tortured by a person of her choice... only coming to "play" when requested.  

okay... so that's enough for now.  but again... lets look at the definition of fantasy.... 

fan·ta·sy/ˈfantəsē/

Noun:

The faculty or activity of imagining things that are impossible or improbable. So if i cant have my unicorn, the rest cannot come true either... can it? Enigma

When your head spins, I've learned, it does NOT pop off....

     its been a rough few days.  lets digress and go back to the last blog and summarize a few things.  had a playdate, thought i was okay with things, turns out i wasnt.  okay... now to discuss.  have you ever waited in line for a roller coaster, you know the one, its brand new (or one you've never been on before), you're super excited to ride it and cannot wait... they tell you that since the line is so long that you'll probably be here for a few hours at least.  but you wait... because you want to ride this ride more than anything and you've been dreaming about what it will be like... so the time comes, and its finally your turn.  you have your expectations of how it will begin, how the middle will be and then lastly how it will end.  you're never 100% sure what your reaction will be to the entire experience but you ascertain that it will be positive.  well, i know for myself, if i wait in line for a ride for 3 hours, it better be damn good and meet my expectations, otherwise, the ride is finished forever in my mind....

     well, saturday was my roller coaster ride, and what happened after is what left me baffled.  i am a sensitive, emotional, occasionally needy, loving, nurturing, affectionate and reactive person.  i need feedback.  almost on a constant basis.  can i tell you that i did not hear from this person with whom i played for 3 days?  with a person like myself, this caused me to drop and pull away, become angry, hurt, sad and to a degree wonder what the heck did i do wrong?  when something like this happens i tend to pull away, i'll typically say things like, im done, im finished, i dont think i can trust this person again.  not like this.  not in this intimate way.  so lets be honest, how can you let someone bind you, blindfold you, do naughty things to your body ever again when the most basic need of communication, kindness and caring were not met?  for me, you cant.  not only will i not play with him, but he's pretty much ruined me for anyone to follow.  wow... thanks.  

  

     have i been the most communicative?  no, i havent.  i let things build, i keep it inside and then i explode and rather than explode on people who dont deserve it, im doing it here.  did i communicate my feelings to this person, no, i didnt and for a very good reason, you've already hurt me, im not letting it happen again.  my very own self protective mechanism.  i cant trust you to respect my feelings when you didnt respect my heart.  plain and simple.    

     I feel saddened by the events.  i feel like i've lost a friend and thats something i cant get back.  im grieving this loss... as i would any other friend... but not only do i have my own shattered ego, my shattered heart, my shattered psyche, and now my altered image of myself... but also, a lot of our friends are ones we share... so that makes life even more difficult.  what will i do?  i wont be attending any events, not ones where he'll be around, at least not until i find the strength to mend my damaged ego, and to a degree, my heart.  but in given time, i'll get through this... i always do... and i always will. 

Enigma