its been a week of ups and downs...

i have to say that this week will be one i'll remember for quite a while.  i've blogged about the roller coaster ride before, but this, albeit similar, is very different.  i've ranged in emotion from elated, to despondent and withdrawn.  

i called out sick from work.  it was halloween.  i was sad because my kids were with their dad, i was sad because i just needed more time with them and a prompt 7am start time was way to early to achieve this.  i was excited because i had a playdate scheduled with my girlfriend and a good friend of ours.  


playdate came and was it a complete 180 degree difference from what i had experienced before with him.  i lost track of time, he was present in the moment, my girlfriend was active in the sweet torture, he was kind, he was affectionate afterward and he paddled, flogged, whipped, and spanked my ass until it was a deep purple.  my thighs suffered, i was bound, blindfolded, and left for their use.  he and my partner that is.  the fun and exciting part was i had no clue who was inflicting the dose of pain... i fell deep into subspace and the rest of that night and the next day i was a blabbering idiot.  that floaty space that i love was achieved.  i was happy... and i was okay that he didnt want anything "permanent," i was okay that this was a friend who also was a sadist and he was giving me attention.  i was happy.  when the blindfold came off she was facing me, i had my afghan that my grandmother made me, and i had his hand on my side... i was touching my beloved's arm, i was holding his.  i was truly happy...


The results...

so.....

i went to work... i floated, made practically no sense... on more than one occasion i got "are you okay... why are you so happy?"  i went home to arnica and an ice pack.  lots of hugs from my partner, and texts from the guy who inflicted the sweet pain.  


fast forward....

text from the girlfriend said... "did you know that <insert name here> was having a playdate with <insert name here>?  (basically, a close friend of mine was playing with a guy that i just played with on monday.  wow... how to take that.  i didnt take it well.  it consumed my day, my heart, my mind and my vulnerabilities.  


lets give background.  he plays with a lot of people... fine, whatever, i've accepted that.  they arent close friends and while i know about it, i dont get the details, i dont see pictures, i dont get the banter between them, they keep it quiet and if they didnt, on this elusive site i would "gag" them so i didnt have to read about it.  this was a close friend, someone i speak to on almost a daily basis... and all of this was done, "while i was sleeping."  im not so much mad that they played, because she and i had talked about it before... what im hurt over is that i found out through a third party, and was left to process it all myself.  


was i hurt, fucking right i was.  here was a friend playing with someone i truly care about.  IT TAKES TIME TO ACCEPT THIS STUFF!  waking up to this was not my ideal friday morning.  im not an emotional person, fuck, i could give a shit about most things.  people die all the time and i typically say... "oh well, there's an empty ICU bed."  when it comes to my kids, my partner or friendships, i do fucking care.  i deserve the fucking decency of a "btw... we were thinking of going to "X" would you be okay with this?"  Just like I gave HER the courtesy when i was going to go to dinner with a friend of hers.  when this came up my question to her was "would you be okay with me going out with X, if not, i totally understand and your friendship means more to me than any guy..."  i expect the same fucking courtesy.  

i understand we are all humans, free to make our own decisions, and my decision is to be pissed off at both of these people right now.  i was jealous, hurt, angry, and yes, i acted immature.  i deleted all my content on my profile, i deleted any and all pics with my face in them, and i deleted over 40 people on my friends list.  i wanted to disappear.  because my heart was hurting and felt broken.  so fucking sue me.  im human.  


i wont let this happen again.... from now on, me, emotion, and this lifestyle will not intertwine.  i'll be my smart ass self, but i wont let my heart be a part of it, because people DONT CARE.  

woke feeling empty.  my partner and i had plans to go to a flea market type event and lunch with a group of people.  i cancelled it all.  i am not ready to see him.  she's tried to speak to me a few times, i told her i need space.  a pissed off yourenigma isnt one that you want to talk rational to, its not possible.  i will maliciously use words to hurt you when im mad and because i value this person as a friend i wasnt going to do this today.  we bantered back and forth a bit and i deleted her off my profile... partly on accident because i regretted it the second i hit "send" but partly happy because i needed space and i dont want to see the pictures from friday night. i dont want to see them because it would make me sad.  


where to go now?


i dont know to be honest.  he and i have "rectified" things to a degree.  but by that i mean we're still friends and he's back to his aloof, distanced, mr. big and bad self, parading his sadistic skills to the females he chooses to play with.  me... well, i went on a nice long walk, worked out for 30 minutes in addition to that, and plan on watching movies and eating junk food with my girlfriend all evening.  tomorrow we'll go for a bike ride and i will take out my aggressions on the pavement.  


sucks though... im giving up lifestyle stuff for a while, i've told my girlfriend i want to go back to "vanilla" life, no bondage, no sex even, until im past this.  i need to heal and i cant if i have that in my face.  i dont want to see or feel rope, nothing.  this event on friday has scarred me and only time will tell how long it takes for me to snap back and let it go.  im still on the elusive fetlife site, i still post, and i will keep up with friends that way, no question.  i've met some amazing people and i dont want to lose them.  but how i will deal with two of the people i considered friends when i encounter them next still remains a mystery.  guess the only way to know is to wait and see and take things one breath at a time.  i just want peace...

Enigma

So I was asked to create a journal. First entry.

sometimes its okay to be metaphorically naked... so to speak. 






     so i was asked to create a journal by a good friend who is presently serving as my mentor/protector/friend. When i met with LadyCherly to discuss my "contract" i felt relatively secure in what i was reading and signing.  it seemed like what i wanted.  the problem came when i didn't get what i wanted.  here i was, wanting to exert my control and make a decision that wasn't mine to make.  i wanted full choice/control to play with a mutual friend of ours.  someone that is trusted and accepted in the community and someone that my girlfriend feels comfortable me playing with.  i wanted to make/schedule my own playtime with this person and while i was given the ability to keep the playdate there were apparently parameters set by my mentor/protector.  i was upset because i felt like i wasnt being treated as an adult.  that i was incompetent in taking care of myself and my own needs.  
     so after much talking to my bestest friend in the community, as well as a few other trusted sources that this is in fact was what i signed up for.  i wanted someone to keep me safe so that i dont get hurt, so that i can eventually make my own safe choices, and so that my heart/body/mind/soul do not get smashed to a million pieces.  i wanted someone to help ease me into areas where i feel uncomfortable, ease me into areas where i feel are out of my reach, and ease me into understanding and accepting some degree of full submission.  people who know me well know that while i put on a good facade, i am just as sensitive as the next person and i do get attached easily, i need her protection and her support.  so i admit, i was wrong, i got grumpy, i had an attitude, and it was uncalled for.  
     so the night came and yes, she was right.  in whatever fashion they agreed, the night was one that was "safe" for me.  i didnt feel hurt/harmed or broken.  rather i felt closer to a friend that i dearly care for.  i felt "nicely" used and abused, and for a time being, nothing but just "being in the moment" existed.  i forgot about all my little quirks, i forgot about how "messed up" my hair had become, i concentrated on breathing and listening and feeling.  and it was wonderful.  
     i've learned its okay to not be right... that its okay to let someone teach me and guide me.  that i dont exactly know it all... today is a good day.  i feel at peace... and my nipples are sore. so it was a good night.  xoxo. 

these type things are evil... pure evil i tell you.