a letter to my boys...

dear boys, 

my life is you.  it always has been, it always will be, even before you were born, i knew i would love you beyond measure.  you are my morning, my noon, and my night.  you are my main reason for smiling and you being sad, injured, or hurt are the only things that can tear me apart.  not any physical injury in this world could be worse than knowing that you are sad.  when you are away from me, a bit of my heart is with you.  you keep it in your pocket, whether you know it or not... it is there... and it only comes back when you do.    

i tried to call you tonite.  i talked to you, my dear sweet tater and for that i am so thankful.  i got to hear your sleepy, yet sweet voice, and while short, you told me you loved me and that you missed me. you are my blonde haired spunky, sweet, kind and caring angel and you are one of the best gifts i've ever received.   

my wonderful oldest pumpkin pie... while i was waiting for your brother to get you, i heard your step mom yelling, i heard your daddy cussing, and i heard them tell you that you couldnt talk to me.  i heard it all, i know it wasnt you.  i know it was them.  i faintly heard someone crying.  i can only imagine it was you.  i hope the weekend wasnt too bad, i hope they took care of you and that you're safe.  i love you my dear sweet boy, you and your brother have to take care of each other when leenie and i cant be there to take care of you.  

i emailed your teacher to have her check on you... tell you i love you to the moon and back and that i will try again, that i will continue to fight this fight tomorrow and for however long it takes to get you home to me... permanently, away from the madness at your dads house.  away from her vicious lies and away from her hateful words.  

i am sad right now because its the first time in 4 years that your dad hasnt let me speak to you... my heart is broken right now... but wednesday when you bring me those precious two pieces all will be mended again.  

until then my sweet angels.  sleep well, and know that we're sleeping under the same dark sky... i am thinking of you.  i love you.  you are my heaven and earth sweet boys.  mommy loves you more than you'll ever know.  

always.  forever.  until the end of time.

the only thing that can break my heart, mind, body and spirit...

yesterday goes down in history as one of the absolute worst days of my life.  the first being the day of my divorce (not because of the divorce itself, but because i knew that for the rest of their childhood i would have to share my babies.)and yesterday... well, was another.  


day started out wonderfully, my girlfriend was sleeping, i got the bag packed for baseball, the kids ready, etc.  we woke herrock (my girlfriend) and off we went.  about 1/2 way into the ride my nose started bleeding.  i wasnt concerned initially as this has been happening for the last two weeks off and on.  i thought a few tissues and it would be done.  little did i know, a few hours later, it would still be bleeding.  so we get to the field and herrock took the boys to the field, i told her i'd follow along when i got the bleeding to stop.  i texted her about 40 minutes later when i'd run out of tissues to come meet me at the car.  she did and we made the decision to take the kids out of the game and head to the ER for me to be seen and hopefully get the nose to stop bleeding...  we go to the field and my ex decides to call the police.  claiming I am "taking his kids away from him and being hostile on the field."  he wouldnt let them go.  the step monster continued to hold on to the arms of my little boys and wouldnt let them leave.  i felt helpless.  Herrock called me over to the edge of the dugout and we decided to walk away and go to the police station ourselves, so as not to continue to make a scene in front of the kids.  

as we were pulling out of the parking lot herrock notices that my ex, we shall call him "satan." is chasing after us writing down our license plate.  well, we were stopped on the way out of the baseball park by the police.  herrock continued to tell them the story of what happened.  end of story, to them, was that it was OUR weekend, WE took them to the game, WE wanted them to leave with us and he should have let them without making a scene.  case closed.  


the police, while they say they hate being involved with this decide to go get the kids from the field and return them to us where they should have been anyway.  30 minutes later, they were in our custody and we were off to the ER.  

as graphic as this picture seems, this is about what it looked like... so.... we get to the ER, the first thing the PA asks is ... "have you been picking your nose?"  ewww.  no.  i rubbed the tip because it itched and its been bleeding since.  sigh... he clears out the old blood as best as he can and concedes that yes, it is a posterior bleed, one they couldnt even see and they wouldnt call an ENT to evaluate... so they place a "rhino rocket" up my nose to tamponade the bleeding.  i was in agony.  so they release some of the air in the rocket, i call my ENT who is on call in Annapolis to tell them what they've done and he tells me to come in on Monday so he can take a look.  

you see that long tampon looking thing that gets filled with air? they shoved that up my nose!  i thought i would DIE!  we get home, i cant take this rhino rocket up my nose, so i release all the air and pull the damn thing out.  (yes, im hard headed... so sue me.)  and so far, no bleeding again.  but i will still go see my ENT on monday so that he can cauterize and find the bleed with his trusty scope.  (I <3 my ENT like its no ones business...)  


my boys seem to be okay.  they were disappointed they had to leave the field because it was the last game and there were trophies involved.  we explained to the best of our ability why we called them off the field and they understood.  they were still scared that the police were involved, but they seem okay.  


i cannot seem to stop crying this morning, all the stress of yesterday has me partly regretting my decision to pull them, partly proud because in the last two weeks i have held to my guns and fought for what was right by them, and partly nervous/scared that i may need another sinus surgery if we cant fix this in the office.  also worried because yet again, aileen had to call out of work to take care of me... and this puts her job in jeopardy.  but i needed her here last night.  if i were to start bleeding again someone would have had to stay with the kids and being where we live, there was no one we could call... 


another day is here... the kids seem happy, my nose isnt bleeding and we will make today better than yesterday.  and we will play, watch football, read, relax, have a nice dinner and be thankful that we have survived another weekend.  


Enigma.