Have you ever felt like your standing in quicksand and cannot get out? The last few days I've had a very difficult time pulling out of this sadness. I cant put an exact reason to it but I'm feeling stressed and overwhelmed along with isolated and alone. I feel like I have no real friends to turn to, no support and nothing to catch me when this rope finally breaks. I know my girlfriend will be there no matter what but I'm afraid even she can't fix this one.
Work has been exceptionally busy, and there isn't an end in sight. They just keep adding more work, more operating rooms, we have less beds, dealing with short staffing and the flu season is coming which will make all this worse. We move to a bigger unit on monday and they give me no more staff than I have now. we have been forced to care for younger and younger children, of which none of us are really comfortable doing so. its stressful. putting your name on a chart when its something you are so uncomfortable in doing. i tell people this all the time, i work in the area i work in because im good at it. you wont see me in labor and delivery, i wouldnt have a clue how to help a mother labor and take care of her while she gives birth. deadlines, expectations, and well, the reality of being the one in charge is finally getting to me. light at the end? yes. I do have a week off coming in December, which will be a relief. I even added in a few extra days off without talking to anyone. I need to decompress.
School is making me more stressed than ever and I have 3-4 assignments due each week. I'm working on my second week and already feel that I'm hurried and behind. I have no clue how to motivate myself into doing all this stuff. i am a procrastinator, always have been, and this stuff does not come easy. anatomy, physiology, yes... easy, loved it. project management, not so much. i cant even motivate myself to get my clothes picked out the night before. you expect me to learn how to manage an entire installation of a computer charting system by myself? right now i cant see myself doing well in this class. to top it off, yet another software program I have to teach myself. Maybe I'll start that one a bit earlier than last time, i'll try to focus and get through this. then, an 8 week break while i organize my clinical rotation...
and financially... mortgage goes up, christmas is upon us, and there seems to be not enough money to pay for everything that needs to be taken care of... sigh.... kids want things that are astronomically expensive and as a mother i want to buy them these things. i want to give them everything that i didnt have growing up, everything that they want because it makes them happy. because i cannot stand the thought of seeing disappointment on their faces when their christmas isnt what they expect.
christmas is a difficult time for me. i dont have a lot of family, and those i do have i am not exceptionally close to. with the exception of leenie and my kids there are very few biological family members whom i care for and whom i can trust. christmas is hard... my boys have to split time between our home and their dads and 2pm is the most difficult time of the day... i drop them to their dad and spend the rest of the day without the laughter and smiles and joy of my kids. i think that's when it hits me that hardest that life has changed so much. that the divorced family is something that i have to continually work at and that my kids are living this every single day.
my (first) ex husband really bothered me this week... i spoke to him on the phone the other day and had invited him to our "kinky" holiday party. i spent almost 20 minutes justifying to him how the activities i engage in are not "sick/twisted" and "disturbing." it really hurt me that someone who i have always thought so much of could think so little of me and who i've become... because i have become who i am... partly because of him. having known him since i was 15, married him, and been in his corner as a friend ever since i expected much more. his statements made me feel badly about myself. it made me question who i am becoming and who i am. it made me wonder if this is really how i want to live my life. i value his opinion, which is why this was so difficult. outside of leenie, he is one of my very best friends and to be honest and have him tell me that i need "psychological help," was hurtful. it made me question the very essence of BDSM and the life i've come to love. it made me feel dirty, used, isolated. it was a difficult feeling... and from someone who i didnt expect to get that from....
i wanted to run to my protector/mentor but she's been missing in action. she did have surgery about 2 weeks ago... but i feel that she's not there for me when i have these difficult moments. i feel like she's not in my corner, that i cannot come to her when things like this happen. i had hoped for more. i still hope for more when she's back to herself again. i just hope she hasnt given up on me.
.... fast forward to tonite... (all of the previous was written earlier at work...)
I need to move past this stuff. its material, its inconsequential. its minute. life is more than the problems im presently facing and i will not let these things (or anything else) take my focus from what's important. i do have people that care, i do have a good career, im intelligent and i will get this class done. my kids love me, they are home, they are safe and they are tucked into their nice warm beds, in a house that's theirs. we are lucky. we are blessed... so... that being said... im living for today... im going to be happy with what i have and im moving on. no more sadness. life is too short.
the best things are friends and family....
risk it... its worth it
other than myself... and im removing that obstacle
without hurt we will never reach our potential... i love you keith... i really do... but dont judge what you dont understand....
its time to move on... what happened happened, compersion isnt easy
yep.... it certainly is. the sun will come out tomorrow...
will you dance with me?
im not a size 2... and that's okay. im special the way i am.
lowering my expectations of others... protecting what's important...
sometimes that's all we can do. :)
im going to give this a try. :)
its time to move on... let the past go.
im going to stop letting people upset me. i dont control their actions. they do. i can only control how i respond....
those are true friends...
its not going to happen... and its true. just let it go.
bigger and better things... my only constraint is myself.
we are all miracles... even those who hurt us and make us sad...
these really meant a lot to me tonite...
Enigma.
