Symbolic?

My flowers finally died. A week and three days they lasted. I changed the water, cut them back twice, but still try died. It seems so symbolic that they would last such a short time. As it mimics the relationship I had with the giver, beautiful for the time being, but then it died. I know that everything, in time goes away or dies. It's the circle of life, and the story of mine. I had Aileen throw them out. I just couldn't bear to be the one to do it. But there they went, swiftly, into the garbage. I feel like those flowers. Tossed aside and mostly dead inside. I hope this subsides quickly. I want myself back.

two weeks, what will feel like 7 years im sure...

the only physical remnant of what was a long hour at the doctors office this morning.  if you read my last post then you read about my former partners "alleged" indiscretions.  today was the day that i set my fears to rest that i am STD free.  i arrived about 20 minutes early for the appointment, wanting to just get it over with.  i was called back, weighed (yikes) and height was taken 68.5 inches tall.  then led to the exam room i was asked the dreaded question as to what brought me there... i sighed, and just put it out there.  "i have concerns that my ex boyfriend was sleeping with people other than myself and i need to allay my fears of any STD's."  heather, my NP's trusty aide said "well, then we'll get this done and getcha moving... "  i dont know what to say to stuff like that.

so my NP walks in and says to me... "so... wasnt all he was supposed to be was he?  guys can be assholes crystal... you need to learn this and protect yourself..."  (insert mouth drop here.)  while i love the candidness of my NP, she's amazing.  i was a bit taken aback by her comment.  now mind you, she does see both my former partner and myself... so she already knew A's side of the story... So i ramble about the last 3 months and what happened.  turns out she's more concerned with my ability to not get hurt again and keep myself mentally safe than she is worried about the health of my girlie parts.  so we talk referrals to a counselor, i agree i need some coping skills, and we decide what tests to run.  thankfully i am "symptom free" so she decides that i just need to get some basics out of the way.  we test for clamidya (sp?), HIV, HEP C, Herpes, and pregnancy.  (im not having a baby... ) the other results will be back in about two weeks she said and unless they are positive i will get my little paper in the mail with the results and should have a repeat HIV in 6 weeks to confirm diagnosis.

i check out.  i walk to my car and i cry for a good 10 minutes before i make the drive home.  i cry out of relief that i went through with this appointment and will have peace of mind, i cry for the loss of the relationship that i thought would sustain me for the rest of my life, i cry for the loss of a friend whom i thought i had made out of this whole thing and i cry for myself, for having let my walls down, let someone else in, and gotten my ass handed to me on a platter of lies.

i still dont know what's true, whether he lied, (he still says he did not) what exactly he lied about and where things can go from here.  i just know that today i am a stronger person than yesterday, that i have the love of my bestfriend, my kids, and my family.  i know where my supports come from and i will better try to utilize them.  i'll look at my little venipuncture site as a battle scar, and when its gone i'll remember the things i have positive in my life... and i'll move on.  thats just what i do.  :)

lying and the ethics of a stable relationship...

sometimes lies are necessary in order to keep someone safe.  for example, i've lied to my children a time or two in order to protect them from knowing what a complete a-hole their father is.  but i adhere to the fact that lying (especially in a relationship) is never positive.  its never necessary, its never a good thing and it always (most certainly) ends in heartache.  sometimes to protect your loved one you are placed in the predicament of lying or telling the truth and sometimes the lie seems the easier route.  but is this ethical?  have i done it, yes.  little white lies... am i proud of that, not at all.  but... recently, i was at the receiving end of a string of lies that has left me questioning humanity and the goodness of people.  let me start.. (and i apologize, this will be long...)

i've been dating this guy... lets call him john.  john and i met through my former partner, she introduced us.  they worked together for the last two years.  my partner and i were into a "kinkier/bdsm" lifestyle than many we knew and we decided to bring him into our relationship... at first for "play" purposes only.  she had told him about it and wild eyed and excited he accepted the invitation.  we had many a playdate which left me satiated and happy, head in a tailspin and my heart sitting there on the blanket on the floor asking to be cared for.  he was a beautiful and intelligent specimen and i was instantly enamored by his looks, his sense of humor, his love of life and his laughable nature.  he and i continued to pursue things, text messages were exchanged and oops.... i fell in love.  yep, the love bug bit me and this made me question the very existence of the relationship i had been in for 4 years.  the "safe" relationship that i know i could always turn to.  she and i parted ways... not simply because of this new relationship, but it was a driving force which caused the relationship to end.

lets talk about "him" for a bit shall we?  since this is about him anyway... well, "john" had a girlfriend of 8 years... someone he claimed to love but was not in love with.  someone he said he had "disconnected" from quite a while ago... so while we were dating, they were still together in the beginning... i know, bad girl... but guess what... it does in fact take two people to make a relationship... and he was a willing partner.  he "apparently" ended things with her about 6 weeks ago and she's been "moving out" since then.  i've been accepting of this, knowing that these things take time.  i mean, my ex and i still live together, as we are best friends and raising children together.  its not an easy situation.  i was respectful... but things started getting really difficult when i began to put pressure and was not getting anything in return.  how can someone continue to "move" for this long knowing the person they've been with wants them to be gone...

fast forward to Saturday June 9th.  so, john had a tournament he was supposed to compete in.  his grandfather apparently got sick and was rushed to a hospital in NJ, to which john and his family went to in order to be by his side.  fair enough.  he's a "family oriented" person... so i get that...  he said he wasnt going to compete because he would not be home in time and i believed him... that is until my "gut" kicked in and told me something was wrong and i needed to research.  so i did.  i researched and saw he placed 4th in his division.  his name... right there, black and white... placed.  now... his story was that he registered so they automatically entered his name even though he didnt compete.  BULLSHIT.  i called the tournament director, i emailed him directly and they confirmed my suspicion.  he competed, and he placed.  i also had another 3rd source to which directly told me to trust my instinct, that things werent "right" and that he competed.  this third party source i trust beyond a shadow of a doubt and had no reason to lie to me.

i decided to call things off with him because i cant trust him and relationships are built on trust.  we still continue to talk over this last week because i at least want to salvage a friendship... that was until today.  my former partner was working with yet another one of their coworkers who just ranted about all of johns antics... his "two" girlfriends, one of whom lives out of town... (we assume this was me...) and how he's had to "do what he has to do."  i also find out that he's not only been playing his still existent girlfriend who is not moving and he has not broken up with, but he's also been playing me, as he's been trying to "hook up" with random other girls.  WOW.

Me after calling my primary MD:  "Hello... yes, I'd like to make an appointment to get tested for STI's... yes, thats correct.  my fucking boyfriend is a lying, cheating piece of shit....  Tuesday... yes, i can come in Tuesday..."

right now... i feel lost, alone, lied to, cheated on, and worthless.  a stumbling block to the knowledge of how awesome i really am.  i'll pick myself up, i'll find a way not to hate him anymore and i'll move on with my life.... because in the end, whose life is richer?  i have amazing children, a good career, a wonderful best friend, and a fulfilled life.  i'll deal with each "punch" as it comes along... and i'll make the best of it.

goes to show you... you cannot trust a wolf in sheeps clothing.  in the end, its still just a wolf.  it will deceive you, hurt you, break your spirt and rip out your heart if it gets the chance.  thanks john for that. i appreciate it.

probably the saddest moment of my life

driving home yesterday.. i hear, from leenie the words that i knew, but never wanted to hear.  


"your kids are closer to me because i spend more time with them...."


silence... dead silence, however, if you could hear a broken heart, this is what it would sound like.  


horrible, negative words were exchanged and the drive home continued.  


today, was my ex's weekend.  leenie and i went to the boys baseball games anyway, because i had promised them we would and i wanted to see them play.  i saw my kids smile with their step mother and father, i saw them coming up to them, chatting, having fun.  this doesnt happen on my weekends.  they never come up and talk about a play or an at bat... they never have two words to say.  


leenie also made sure to tell me that this is because i look "sad" all the time at the games and spend a good portion of my time on my phone...  my phone is my safety zone.  when i am sad, the only way to hold back the tears is to emerge myself in another world... in games, in the land of social networking, in the land where im not criticized for being a bad parent and i can watch other friends parent their kids full time.  


right now i feel alone... 


right now i feel like my world has collapsed and inside in an empty pit...


right now i feel like a 35 year old wash up, who's had two failed divorces, and a failed 4 year relationship, who gave birth to two children who cant relate to her and cannot stand her.  


right now i dont see any point in trying to better myself because everything i love leaves, or i hurt every person i touch.  


so until god decides my time here is up, i'll work, i'll say goodbye to those i've hurt,  i'll pick myself up, bottle up my feelings, and i'll move on as i do with every heartbreak.  


i hope the boys i gave birth to have a very happy life and i hope their step mom meets their needs as a mother, because i cant do this anymore.  

my only wish is they be happy...

the feeling of being a part of your child's field day is one of those feelings which bring absolute exhaustion and complete joy all at once.  on a chilly, overcast, and occasionally rainy thursday thats where i found myself.  i arrived at the school, a bit nervous, worried that the boys step mom would be there.  she always is there for everything my kids (and her own) do.  being that the boys go to school in their town, she knows everyone and spends quite a bit of time there.  so i get out of the car, smooth down my shorts, my tee shirt and make sure i look presentable enough to pull off the "mom" look.  i sign in and receive my work station for the morning, the "sponge toss."  i look at the map in a confusing fashion trying to find where my station is and where i need to set things up.   i finally maneuver through the school and exit the building with all the other moms and dads who are working this event.  i smile politely as they talk amongst themselves, having been members of the PTA, or seeing each other at events, they all seem to know each other well.  i continue to remind myself that i am here for my kids, that im here to have fun and i need not worry about who i do and don't know.  so i trample through the ankle high grass and i find my location.  

field day promptly begins at 9:15am and i am ready for my first group of children to arrive.  my station was with the 1st graders.... and i can say while rewarding, it was a long 3 hours.  the kids laughed, played and we made our own rules for the game.  in all they had a great time, got pretty wet in the process and smiled a lot.  what brought me the most joy was the look on my youngest son Shaun's face when he saw me working at field day.  his eyes, blue as ever beamed at me as he played with his friends and exhausted himself in a very fun yet busy morning.  

after field day activities were over and the kids broke for lunch, i found that the PTA had set up pretzels, soda and water for the volunteers to enjoy and i helped myself.  i then found my way to my oldest son's classroom to visit since i had not seen him all day.  he was eating lunch with friends and i was able to snap a few really nice pictures of him with his friends.  we talked for a little while and i meandered back to my youngest's classroom where we changed into swimsuits, had a picnic lunch outside and then they played on the waterslide.  


my time there was over and i made my way back to my car.  alone, without my kids and with the knowledge that i was going home myself, going back to an empty home.  one where the laughter has temporarily left, and as i approached the stairs to head upstairs to shower and change, i see that looming sign that they are gone... their bedroom doors are closed.  while this is a common thing, (we close the doors to keep the dogs out and keep the vents closed to save on air conditioning costs) i fall into a heap on the stairs and cry until there are no more tears left to cry.  my boys, myself and everyone close to us are victims of divorce, of shared custody, and of this sad existence we call life.  a life where laughs are abundant about 14 days of every 28 and the rest... well, we just go on.