Life is what you make of it...

Have you ever felt like your standing in quicksand and cannot get out? The last few days I've had a very difficult time pulling out of this sadness. I cant put an exact reason to it but I'm feeling stressed and overwhelmed along with isolated and alone. I feel like I have no real friends to turn to, no support and nothing to catch me when this rope finally breaks. I know my girlfriend will be there no matter what but I'm afraid even she can't fix this one.

Work has been exceptionally busy, and there isn't an end in sight. They just keep adding more work, more operating rooms, we have less beds, dealing with short staffing and the flu season is coming which will make all this worse. We move to a bigger unit on monday and they give me no more staff than I have now. we have been forced to care for younger and younger children, of which none of us are really comfortable doing so.  its stressful.  putting your name on a chart when its something you are so uncomfortable in doing.  i tell people this all the time, i work in the area i work in because im good at it.  you wont see me in labor and delivery, i wouldnt have a clue how to help a mother labor and take care of her while she gives birth.  deadlines, expectations, and well, the reality of being the one in charge is finally getting to me.  light at the end?  yes.  I do have a week off coming in December, which will be a relief. I even added in a few extra days off without talking to anyone. I need to decompress.

School is making me more stressed than ever and I have 3-4 assignments due each week. I'm working on my second week and already feel that I'm hurried and behind. I have no clue how to motivate myself into doing all this stuff. i am a procrastinator, always have been, and this stuff does not come easy.  anatomy, physiology, yes... easy, loved it.  project management, not so much.  i cant even motivate myself to get my clothes picked out the night before.  you expect me to learn how to manage an entire installation of a computer charting system by myself?  right now i cant see myself doing well in this class.  to top it off, yet another software program I have to teach myself. Maybe I'll start that one a bit earlier than last time, i'll try to focus and get through this.  then, an 8 week break while i organize my clinical rotation...

and financially... mortgage goes up, christmas is upon us, and there seems to be not enough money to pay for everything that needs to be taken care of... sigh.... kids want things that are astronomically expensive and as a mother i want to buy them these things.  i want to give them everything that i didnt have growing up, everything that they want because it makes them happy.  because i cannot stand the thought of seeing disappointment on their faces when their christmas isnt what they expect.

christmas is a difficult time for me.  i dont have a lot of family, and those i do have i am not exceptionally close to.  with the exception of leenie and my kids there are very few biological family members whom i care for and whom i can trust.  christmas is hard... my boys have to split time between our home and their dads and 2pm is the most difficult time of the day... i drop them to their dad and spend the rest of the day without the laughter and smiles and joy of my kids.  i think that's when it hits me that hardest that life has changed so much.  that the divorced family is something that i have to continually work at and that my kids are living this every single day.

my (first) ex husband really bothered me this week... i spoke to him on the phone the other day and had invited him to our "kinky" holiday party.  i spent almost 20 minutes justifying to him how the activities i engage in are not "sick/twisted" and "disturbing."  it really hurt me that someone who i have always thought so much of could think so little of me and who i've become... because i have become who i am... partly because of him.  having known him since i was 15, married him, and been in his corner as a friend ever since i expected much more.  his statements made me feel badly about myself.  it made me question who i am becoming and who i am.  it made me wonder if this is really how i want to live my life.  i value his opinion, which is why this was so difficult.  outside of leenie, he is one of my very best friends and to be honest and have him tell me that i need "psychological help," was hurtful.  it made me question the very essence of BDSM and the life i've come to love.  it made me feel dirty, used, isolated.  it was a difficult feeling... and from someone who i didnt expect to get that from....

i wanted to run to my protector/mentor but she's been missing in action.  she did have surgery about 2 weeks ago... but i feel that she's not there for me when i have these difficult moments.  i feel like she's not in my corner, that i cannot come to her when things like this happen.  i had hoped for more.  i still hope for more when she's back to herself again.  i just hope she hasnt given up on me.


.... fast forward to tonite... (all of the previous was written earlier at work...)

I need to move past this stuff.  its material, its inconsequential.  its minute.  life is more than the problems im presently facing and i will not let these things (or anything else) take my focus from what's important. i do have people that care, i do have a good career, im intelligent and i will get this class done.  my kids love me, they are home, they are safe and they are tucked into their nice warm beds, in a house that's theirs.  we are lucky.  we are blessed... so... that being said... im living for today... im going to be happy with what i have and im moving on.  no more sadness.  life is too short.

the best things are friends and family.... 

risk it... its worth it

other than myself... and im removing that obstacle

without hurt we will never reach our potential... i love you keith... i really do... but dont judge what you dont understand....

its time to move on... what happened happened, compersion isnt easy

yep.... it certainly is.  the sun will come out tomorrow...

will you dance with me?

im not a size 2... and that's okay.  im special the way i am.  

lowering my expectations of others... protecting what's important...

sometimes that's all we can do.  :)

im going to give this a try.  :)

its time to move on... let the past go.

im going to stop letting people upset me.  i dont control their actions.  they do.  i can only control how i respond....

those are true friends...

its not going to happen... and its true.  just let it go.  

bigger and better things... my only constraint is myself.

we are all miracles... even those who hurt us and make us sad...

these really meant a lot to me tonite...

Enigma.

its been a week of ups and downs...

i have to say that this week will be one i'll remember for quite a while.  i've blogged about the roller coaster ride before, but this, albeit similar, is very different.  i've ranged in emotion from elated, to despondent and withdrawn.  

i called out sick from work.  it was halloween.  i was sad because my kids were with their dad, i was sad because i just needed more time with them and a prompt 7am start time was way to early to achieve this.  i was excited because i had a playdate scheduled with my girlfriend and a good friend of ours.  


playdate came and was it a complete 180 degree difference from what i had experienced before with him.  i lost track of time, he was present in the moment, my girlfriend was active in the sweet torture, he was kind, he was affectionate afterward and he paddled, flogged, whipped, and spanked my ass until it was a deep purple.  my thighs suffered, i was bound, blindfolded, and left for their use.  he and my partner that is.  the fun and exciting part was i had no clue who was inflicting the dose of pain... i fell deep into subspace and the rest of that night and the next day i was a blabbering idiot.  that floaty space that i love was achieved.  i was happy... and i was okay that he didnt want anything "permanent," i was okay that this was a friend who also was a sadist and he was giving me attention.  i was happy.  when the blindfold came off she was facing me, i had my afghan that my grandmother made me, and i had his hand on my side... i was touching my beloved's arm, i was holding his.  i was truly happy...


The results...

so.....

i went to work... i floated, made practically no sense... on more than one occasion i got "are you okay... why are you so happy?"  i went home to arnica and an ice pack.  lots of hugs from my partner, and texts from the guy who inflicted the sweet pain.  


fast forward....

text from the girlfriend said... "did you know that <insert name here> was having a playdate with <insert name here>?  (basically, a close friend of mine was playing with a guy that i just played with on monday.  wow... how to take that.  i didnt take it well.  it consumed my day, my heart, my mind and my vulnerabilities.  


lets give background.  he plays with a lot of people... fine, whatever, i've accepted that.  they arent close friends and while i know about it, i dont get the details, i dont see pictures, i dont get the banter between them, they keep it quiet and if they didnt, on this elusive site i would "gag" them so i didnt have to read about it.  this was a close friend, someone i speak to on almost a daily basis... and all of this was done, "while i was sleeping."  im not so much mad that they played, because she and i had talked about it before... what im hurt over is that i found out through a third party, and was left to process it all myself.  


was i hurt, fucking right i was.  here was a friend playing with someone i truly care about.  IT TAKES TIME TO ACCEPT THIS STUFF!  waking up to this was not my ideal friday morning.  im not an emotional person, fuck, i could give a shit about most things.  people die all the time and i typically say... "oh well, there's an empty ICU bed."  when it comes to my kids, my partner or friendships, i do fucking care.  i deserve the fucking decency of a "btw... we were thinking of going to "X" would you be okay with this?"  Just like I gave HER the courtesy when i was going to go to dinner with a friend of hers.  when this came up my question to her was "would you be okay with me going out with X, if not, i totally understand and your friendship means more to me than any guy..."  i expect the same fucking courtesy.  

i understand we are all humans, free to make our own decisions, and my decision is to be pissed off at both of these people right now.  i was jealous, hurt, angry, and yes, i acted immature.  i deleted all my content on my profile, i deleted any and all pics with my face in them, and i deleted over 40 people on my friends list.  i wanted to disappear.  because my heart was hurting and felt broken.  so fucking sue me.  im human.  


i wont let this happen again.... from now on, me, emotion, and this lifestyle will not intertwine.  i'll be my smart ass self, but i wont let my heart be a part of it, because people DONT CARE.  

woke feeling empty.  my partner and i had plans to go to a flea market type event and lunch with a group of people.  i cancelled it all.  i am not ready to see him.  she's tried to speak to me a few times, i told her i need space.  a pissed off yourenigma isnt one that you want to talk rational to, its not possible.  i will maliciously use words to hurt you when im mad and because i value this person as a friend i wasnt going to do this today.  we bantered back and forth a bit and i deleted her off my profile... partly on accident because i regretted it the second i hit "send" but partly happy because i needed space and i dont want to see the pictures from friday night. i dont want to see them because it would make me sad.  


where to go now?


i dont know to be honest.  he and i have "rectified" things to a degree.  but by that i mean we're still friends and he's back to his aloof, distanced, mr. big and bad self, parading his sadistic skills to the females he chooses to play with.  me... well, i went on a nice long walk, worked out for 30 minutes in addition to that, and plan on watching movies and eating junk food with my girlfriend all evening.  tomorrow we'll go for a bike ride and i will take out my aggressions on the pavement.  


sucks though... im giving up lifestyle stuff for a while, i've told my girlfriend i want to go back to "vanilla" life, no bondage, no sex even, until im past this.  i need to heal and i cant if i have that in my face.  i dont want to see or feel rope, nothing.  this event on friday has scarred me and only time will tell how long it takes for me to snap back and let it go.  im still on the elusive fetlife site, i still post, and i will keep up with friends that way, no question.  i've met some amazing people and i dont want to lose them.  but how i will deal with two of the people i considered friends when i encounter them next still remains a mystery.  guess the only way to know is to wait and see and take things one breath at a time.  i just want peace...

Enigma