its been a week...

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say?  And why are you waiting?  ~Stephen Levine

its been a week since i've been involved in anything kink related.  that sounds so silly yet so real to me.  i've been living a life of a kinky woman for over a year and in the blink of an eye... its gone.  like an alcoholic gives up their daily fix, i have given up the kinky part of myself as a protective mechanism, to keep me safe, to make life seem real.  most days i feel numb, wondering if ever i will be able to return, if ever i really want to return.  i've gone above and beyond just returning to "pre kink" life... i've taken a front seat and turned the tables in much of my personal interractions.  being rather bossy at home, and having a say in my own pleasure has been different.  something i havent done in quite a while.  heck, physical contact for the most part has come to a screeching halt.  not necesairly what i would call enjoyable... but necessary for the time being.

a former friend once told me that if the lifestyle doesnt bring you utter happiness then you should let it go, that it wasnt the path they should be on... so, that's what i've done, but it doesnt make it easier.  i miss the D/s aspect the most i think.  the domestic servitude, knowing i am making someone happy, that i am pleasing them has been greatly missed.  feeling rope on my skin or the anticipation of a finger tracing areas where i cannot stop them.  the words "good girl" that can truly make me wet with anticipation... all gone.  the lifestyle events, the listening and sharing of ideas, hearing that im not some sexual deviant who has issues beyond repair.  hearing that even though i love being tied up and used that its okay... and im okay for it.  back to square one is not a fun place to be.  thankfully i have two people who are helping me find my light and begin to shine again, in ways beyond lifestyle.  he is helping me to see that i can be loved and valued, and she is helping me see that im so much more than what i give myself credit for.  it is taking time... and will be a work in progress, but we will get there. 

i miss my "friends." (well, people i thought were friends...) i miss them very much.  or do i miss what i thought they were to me?  here i thought i was building relationships which would be long lasting and forever, little did i know, that not one single soul cared... i've not gotten one email, not one call.  i guess i didnt fit their mold, i was too drama laden, or their cups are full on their own.  its okay.  i know they've moved on... i am too, still makes me sad to know that no one cared to hear my side of the story, no one cared to know how this was all effecting crystal.  no one cared to know that my heart breaks a little each day when i know im hurting or neglecting someone i loved.  friends inquire, friends worry, friends try to help... these people abandoned me, and i'll never forget that.    

relationships are mending since the "incident" at the munch a little over a week ago.  my partner and i have found what seems to be a happy medium, albeit there is work to do.  my boyfriend (while i hate that word, i dont know what else to call him...) and i are finding our way into something long lasting and true.  we are learning to be a poly triad without the lifestyle things standing in the way.  i love them.  i love them both... so this has to work.  i cannot see my life without either of them... i hope we can get to a happy place, i pray we can get to a happy place... 

      Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.  ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

breathing sometimes isnt easy, but you do it anyway.

sometimes your heart hurts so badly that you dont want to even think of breathing again.  sometimes you forget and dont want to breathe.  your head feels light, your heart feels heavy, as if lead weights were on your chest... and then, your medulla kicks in and it just happens.  you cant help it.  you cant hold your breath forever.  so you finally take that deep gasp and everything starts to focus again.

its been a while since i've posted here.  but i suddenly feel the need due to recent events over the past week or so.  many of you who read this know that my partner and i have been in an "open/polyamourous" relationship for the last year.  while this never fully materialized until recently, it kind of "fell into my lap."  my partner has had a friend (J) that she's worked with for almost two years and i have definitely had a crush on him over the course of time that we've become acquainted. about 2 months ago, she told him about my attraction, they'd been taking about it and, one day we had a playdate... the rest is history.  

she tried to introduce him to the fetlife/alternative scene, but chatting about it at work, showing him pictures, telling him stories... and initially things seemed to go well.  he was/is interested in learning and growing but unfortunately schedules and personal issues had been preventing the development of this interest on his part.  we were getting along wonderfully and the three of us were playing on a weekly basis.  this past friday, things didnt seem to go as well as they had in the past.  she put the pressure on him to actually create/lead the scene and with his lack of experience in this realm, it ended up being a failure in essence.  one that left me in tears and one which took me a few days to recover from... but i had.  they both told me they wanted to continue on and try to build our relationship.  not once had she told me that this wasnt working for her, that she wasnt interested in making this work, or that she was upset with the time that he and i were spending together.    

fast forward to the "Annapolis Munch" on monday of this past week... we (my partner and i) had invited J to join us in meeting our friends and attending this lifestyle event.  they (my partner and J) even met early to shop for olive oils and yummy balsamic vinegars at a fine retailer in Annapolis.  i met them after work and things seemed to go well.  that was until the actual munch itself.  

lets place ourselves in J's shoes... you are younger (26), never been a part of anything like this, and you are brought into a fairly large group to "get to know" and meet your girlfriend's friends.  a bit of apprehension and ambivalence, as well as a bit of anxiety and nerves kick in and you have a recipe for problems.  being the "caretaker" that i am, i felt the need to shelter and protect him.  i wanted to keep him feeling comfortable, so i focused much of my attention on chatting with him.  i didnt want him to feel left out.  i knew my partner could hold her own in this crowd, as this was something we'd been doing for over a year.  we both knew almost everyone there and i felt that her confidence with knowing everyone would help her to chat amongst others and myself.  well, this wasnt exactly how things went down.  

so she decides (for whatever reason) to remove herself from my side and go and chat with others at the table, which was fine, i knew she wanted to see everyone as it had been a while since we all got together in the same space.  i have been on a diet/exercise/self improvement kick and hadnt wanted to meet up with anyone in the last few months... until this day.  so i sat next to the boyfriend and we chatted, held hands under the table and held conversation.  i didnt see an issue with this.  WE (my partner  and i) invited him, and hence we absorb some responsibility for introducing him into the scene. well, i guess things became "overwhelming" for her and she went outside, only to be followed by one of our friends.  my guess was this was done to make sure she was okay.  

from my perspective, this brought unnecessary attention to the fact that she was uncomfortable with his presence, and in front of those that i was hoping would accept my boyfriend into our little world.  rather, i felt that this caused a sense of "awwww... poor (insert partners name here)..."  this infuriated me, upset me, and made me feel like a horrible person, when i really didnt do anything wrong.  i was tending to someone who WE brought, who was new, nervous and really doing this so that he could be a part of this world.  i wasn't holding his hand and chatting with him as a way to make her feel uncomfortable, i was doing this so that he would feel accepted.  i left the munch feeling unaccepted, hurt, lost and alone.  all of which made me decide that fetlife, and its multitude of issues was not for me.  that night, i decided to delete my account and remove all of the "friends" which i thought i had there.  in essence, i needed space, and this was the only way i thought i could find it.  

let me rewind a bit and give a bit of a background.  did i overreact?  some would say yes, and i would totally understand that.  simply because i am an "all or nothing" kind of person i made a very rash decision, one that i've had several regrets doing.  not that this is any sort of "reason" but my boyfriend and i have been sexually active and after over a year of being on any form of birth control i decided to re-enter the world of hormonal contraception prevention.  i started on the nuvaring so that i could regulate my cycles as well as prevent myself from getting pregnant when he and i were intimate.  i have a number of reasons for this, the biggest one being i am done having children.  well, the ring left me "nuttier than a fruit cake made by my aunt june..."  so hormonally i was losing my mind.  i also add that while we did use a condom in the past, i was a bit nervous and took Plan B after one of our encounters so that i did not get pregnant... (double dose of hormones...) let me say, this isnt the first time i've lost my mind because of birth control.  i was on Mirena for 5 years and while i loved it for its qualities of no period for 5 years, i ended up on antidepressant medication because it made me mean, jealous, spiteful and angry... ALL THE TIME.  since being off of Mirena, i was able to remove myself from the antidepressant meds and all has been well.  so... discussions have taken place and we have decided to stop the ring and will utilize other methods of birth control.  

i love my partner more than life, i really do, but her actions hurt me the other night, as im sure i did her. how would i have acted had she brought another person to the munch with us, flip the tables in essence,  i have no clue how i would react, but if we invited this person and agreed that they should be a part of this with us and i would have been supportive of her, at least in public.  my issues would have been delt with behind closed doors had they arisen.  do i think i was right by sitting by his side and engaging in conversation with him?  most definitely.  that is my personality.  do i think i would do things differently?  maybe i would have lessened the intensity to which i paid him attention.  but besides that i wouldnt have changed how i acted.  i love both of them and i wanted them to know that.  i needed him to know that he was the most important male for me who was there and i wanted her to know that she was the most important female.  she didnt give me that chance to show it because she left my side, and in essence abandoned me, leaving me feeling alone, vulnerable and hostile.  

i know i may have (and have) hurt some feelings because of my rash behavior of deleting every single soul on my profile, but its what i had to do to protect myself and my relationships.  i didnt want to spew my anger for all to see, so i disengaged and moved on.  do i miss the kink?  of course i do.  this is something that is a part of me.  but for right now, i have to give it up.  i cant do it... not with either of them.  and i think that's okay.  i've decided to reactivate my fetlife account so that i can continue to receive messages and keep up with events.  i may not be attending anything, and i have pretty much lost all my friends there... but life will and does go on.  i just hope some of those i made question my actions read this and have a better sense and understanding.  

we are human.  we make mistakes.  we hopefully learn from them, and we move on and continue to live another day.  

again, im sorry if i hurt anyone's feelings.  it wasnt my intention, but i had to protect myself somehow... and in a hormonal induced state, these were my choices and i've nothing to do but live with them.  

take care, 
crystal.

so... my patience, i think it finally paid off... :)

kinda funny that im posting this... because while i still feel a bit insecure about this (budding) relationship, i feel better than i did yesterday.  conversations today have made me feel more confident that things are going in the right direction and that im not going to be left asking questions and wondering why in the end.  im happier than i've been with a potential play partner, and more confident.  and while he's new and needs a little coaxing... my partner is just the one to do it.  she loves seeing me happy, she makes me happy... he makes me happy... life doesnt get much better than this, i have to say.  someone told me to "wait for the right one..."  im glad i did.  :)

conscious stream of thoughts...

my head is a muddled mess right now... it always is after a playdate.  why on earth is beyond me, but it is.  conscious stream of thoughts is inevitable for the first 24 hours or so... and mostly focused on things like did i do everything right?  what did i do wrong?  how did i look?  did i say the right things?  did everyone have a good time?  ugh, that was an unflattering position, did my butt look too fat, what about my hips, were they too big? what was she thinking?  is she going to be mad?  how did she feel?  did i make her proud?  is she going to get upset?  did he enjoy himself?  was it to much?  can i live up to his expectations?  what can i expect next?  will there be a next time?  if there isnt a next time will i be okay with that... please brain, dont let me get hurt, www.mustdetachfirst.com 


i took a huge leap and put a full frontal nude on fetlife today.  will i keep it there?  i dont know.  while im getting better with my body i am still self conscious of the marks that a life filled with quite a bit of surgery and problems has left me.  i dont have a perfect body and while my partner knows this and loves my every curve, i cant help but want to be a size 2, perfect legs, perfect arms... a flat stomach, and nerdy as hell.  :)  i have the nerdy part down.  im very much a dork.  i've given birth to two amazing babies, i've had a total of 5 surgeries in my life and my roadmaps tell a story of a mom who had an addiction and gave birth preterm, and a woman who has pushed through all those familial issues and become a great mom, partner and person even though... 


im in the mood to watch a really scary movie tonite, something that will keep me awake, so that i dont have to dream.  if i dream, tonite, i know that it will be of today, and while i enjoy this, i dislike it as well, because in my mind i will continue to question every single action, every single move.  when do i allow myself to just enjoy the moment, enjoy the experience and let things be?  


i was thinking J was nervous today... i was too, but i knew i was in good hands.  i worry that this "lifestyle" is too much and that he will decide that since its not for him that he doesnt want to pursue anything further.  id understand, its not for everyone, and it can be a bit intimidating... but i feel humbled to have spent today with two people that i truly enjoy and truly care about. 


i also learned that i do not want to eat pizza ever again.  my new diet and lifestyle is not conducive to pizza consumption.  i feel like crap... my tummy is in knots and i hope it settles... soon.  i think i may need a 12 step program tomorrow just to overcome this heavy and weighted feeling im experiencing... 


well, just sharing, writing about today... and whatever else is on my mind... i'll end this here.  write more soon. 

the life of a masochist. getting there... and falling back out...

welp, lets see.  my girlfriend thinks im a masochist.  while i tend to claim that i am not, and i will deny this until the end of the earth i can say, i do enjoy pain... if given properly, with adequate warm up, with the right mindset, and with the right person.  so my partner wanted me to write about how i mentally get to the place where i can enjoy pain and not curse her until i scream my safeword.... 

its all about the build up.  for me, this may take days, or even up to a week to get ready for.  its something that i crave and in order to tolerate it, i must first crave it.  its definitely not something that can just randomly happen.  while i can tolerate a spanking, maybe a light paddling, flogging, etc... the dreaded mode of torture is the cane.  i hate the damn cane and curse its existence.  

external stress is a huge factor.  one that causes me to need pain, as well as one that causes me to have a more difficult time processing pain.  if i am dealing with child issues, work issues, and the like and cannot put them aside enough to enjoy myself mentally then there is no way i will be able to tolerate that mode of pain.  i may be able to tolerate others, but not as harshly.  i can always tolerate rope... the more tightly bound i am, the happier of a place i can get to, and the more i can tolerate.  if i am unable to move, it seems i can handle more pain as well.  if tied too loosely and not in a way that prohibits motion then i squirm more and can move when i anticipate a swat.  blindfolds help too, this way i dont know when its coming.  

i am very much a sensual person, so to prepare for pain it definitely helps to be touched softly, have the right music on, the right lighting... the dogs put away.  (nothing like having a dog bark at you to end the mood.)  i have to regulate my breathing, and the caning needs to be rhythmic.  strangely enough i need the strokes to coincide with the music and my breathing.  oddly enough, i take pain much better when there is more than one person there.  it also makes it easier when there is good energy and ample trust in the person delivering the pain.  

and the last bit i wanted to add, is that a little clit stimulation or vaginal penetration helps take my mind off the negative sensation, and focus more on the positive sensation.  if i am about to orgasm, or close to orgasm i can pretty much take and enjoy anything.  

with the right people, the right mood, the right mindset and the right circumstances pain can totally set me into an orgasm... it takes work, it takes practice and its a learning curve for everyone... myself included.  

where have i been?

i wish i could say that i have been "tied up" like that wonderful little box man shown wrapped in electrical wire... but alas, i cant say that.  while my girlfriend and i have played with rope some, i've taken a step back from the scene and decided to just work on relationships that are real and in the present as well as nurture the friendships that i've already developed.  i had such bad experiences in the scene when it comes to personal relationships that if i didnt pull away i was going to lose myself in the process.  sure there are days where i want to go to the parties, experience these things again... and i will, in my time, when im ready.  right now, im not really ready.  right now i am focusing on myself, my family, my kids, my career and fortunately, my health....

well, while im not quite this hot, things are looking up.  i've lost 21lbs so far in 50 days, and i can say, this girl is getting skinny.  dropped a pants size, and im sure a ton of inches.  still have 15lbs to go, but i'll get there.  all i know is i used to be tired after walking up a flight of stairs, now i can run up 4 flights and am only breathing heavy after that.  my tush is firmed up and a little more perky and my medium fitted tee shirts are a bit baggy.  yea, i got bit by the workout bug.  i typically work out 6 days a week (wednesdays are a rest day) and will rest more if its a week we hike.  yes... you read that right... hiking.  im addicted, and in a good way....

yep, thats the girlfriend and i on our last hike.  we did about 8 miles at calvert cliffs state park.  next hike is "Little Devil's Stairs" in the Shenandoah mountains.  its in 2 weeks and i am super excited, nervous at the same time.  its the first "strenuous" hike we've done thus far and i am a little apprehensive.  so, to train, im doing stairs and a ton of leg work.  hope this helps me get to the top!  :)

well, thats been my life for the last few months.  hopefully something more entertaining and fun will await my next blog... :)

christmas...

i wanted to take a few minutes to say that i hope christmas was spent with those you love, and those that love and respect you in return.  my christmas, while a bit sad in the afternoon was enjoyable and spent with my girlfriend, kids and family.  i always get so stressed out for that single moment christmas morning where i see the faces on my boys... and im always thankful in the end that they are such amazing, loving, kind and caring boys who are appreciative and thankful for all of their gifts.  

i hope everyone received the gift of happiness that day... 

hugs.

crystal