so... my patience, i think it finally paid off... :)

kinda funny that im posting this... because while i still feel a bit insecure about this (budding) relationship, i feel better than i did yesterday.  conversations today have made me feel more confident that things are going in the right direction and that im not going to be left asking questions and wondering why in the end.  im happier than i've been with a potential play partner, and more confident.  and while he's new and needs a little coaxing... my partner is just the one to do it.  she loves seeing me happy, she makes me happy... he makes me happy... life doesnt get much better than this, i have to say.  someone told me to "wait for the right one..."  im glad i did.  :)

conscious stream of thoughts...

my head is a muddled mess right now... it always is after a playdate.  why on earth is beyond me, but it is.  conscious stream of thoughts is inevitable for the first 24 hours or so... and mostly focused on things like did i do everything right?  what did i do wrong?  how did i look?  did i say the right things?  did everyone have a good time?  ugh, that was an unflattering position, did my butt look too fat, what about my hips, were they too big? what was she thinking?  is she going to be mad?  how did she feel?  did i make her proud?  is she going to get upset?  did he enjoy himself?  was it to much?  can i live up to his expectations?  what can i expect next?  will there be a next time?  if there isnt a next time will i be okay with that... please brain, dont let me get hurt, www.mustdetachfirst.com 


i took a huge leap and put a full frontal nude on fetlife today.  will i keep it there?  i dont know.  while im getting better with my body i am still self conscious of the marks that a life filled with quite a bit of surgery and problems has left me.  i dont have a perfect body and while my partner knows this and loves my every curve, i cant help but want to be a size 2, perfect legs, perfect arms... a flat stomach, and nerdy as hell.  :)  i have the nerdy part down.  im very much a dork.  i've given birth to two amazing babies, i've had a total of 5 surgeries in my life and my roadmaps tell a story of a mom who had an addiction and gave birth preterm, and a woman who has pushed through all those familial issues and become a great mom, partner and person even though... 


im in the mood to watch a really scary movie tonite, something that will keep me awake, so that i dont have to dream.  if i dream, tonite, i know that it will be of today, and while i enjoy this, i dislike it as well, because in my mind i will continue to question every single action, every single move.  when do i allow myself to just enjoy the moment, enjoy the experience and let things be?  


i was thinking J was nervous today... i was too, but i knew i was in good hands.  i worry that this "lifestyle" is too much and that he will decide that since its not for him that he doesnt want to pursue anything further.  id understand, its not for everyone, and it can be a bit intimidating... but i feel humbled to have spent today with two people that i truly enjoy and truly care about. 


i also learned that i do not want to eat pizza ever again.  my new diet and lifestyle is not conducive to pizza consumption.  i feel like crap... my tummy is in knots and i hope it settles... soon.  i think i may need a 12 step program tomorrow just to overcome this heavy and weighted feeling im experiencing... 


well, just sharing, writing about today... and whatever else is on my mind... i'll end this here.  write more soon. 

the life of a masochist. getting there... and falling back out...

welp, lets see.  my girlfriend thinks im a masochist.  while i tend to claim that i am not, and i will deny this until the end of the earth i can say, i do enjoy pain... if given properly, with adequate warm up, with the right mindset, and with the right person.  so my partner wanted me to write about how i mentally get to the place where i can enjoy pain and not curse her until i scream my safeword.... 

its all about the build up.  for me, this may take days, or even up to a week to get ready for.  its something that i crave and in order to tolerate it, i must first crave it.  its definitely not something that can just randomly happen.  while i can tolerate a spanking, maybe a light paddling, flogging, etc... the dreaded mode of torture is the cane.  i hate the damn cane and curse its existence.  

external stress is a huge factor.  one that causes me to need pain, as well as one that causes me to have a more difficult time processing pain.  if i am dealing with child issues, work issues, and the like and cannot put them aside enough to enjoy myself mentally then there is no way i will be able to tolerate that mode of pain.  i may be able to tolerate others, but not as harshly.  i can always tolerate rope... the more tightly bound i am, the happier of a place i can get to, and the more i can tolerate.  if i am unable to move, it seems i can handle more pain as well.  if tied too loosely and not in a way that prohibits motion then i squirm more and can move when i anticipate a swat.  blindfolds help too, this way i dont know when its coming.  

i am very much a sensual person, so to prepare for pain it definitely helps to be touched softly, have the right music on, the right lighting... the dogs put away.  (nothing like having a dog bark at you to end the mood.)  i have to regulate my breathing, and the caning needs to be rhythmic.  strangely enough i need the strokes to coincide with the music and my breathing.  oddly enough, i take pain much better when there is more than one person there.  it also makes it easier when there is good energy and ample trust in the person delivering the pain.  

and the last bit i wanted to add, is that a little clit stimulation or vaginal penetration helps take my mind off the negative sensation, and focus more on the positive sensation.  if i am about to orgasm, or close to orgasm i can pretty much take and enjoy anything.  

with the right people, the right mood, the right mindset and the right circumstances pain can totally set me into an orgasm... it takes work, it takes practice and its a learning curve for everyone... myself included.  

where have i been?

i wish i could say that i have been "tied up" like that wonderful little box man shown wrapped in electrical wire... but alas, i cant say that.  while my girlfriend and i have played with rope some, i've taken a step back from the scene and decided to just work on relationships that are real and in the present as well as nurture the friendships that i've already developed.  i had such bad experiences in the scene when it comes to personal relationships that if i didnt pull away i was going to lose myself in the process.  sure there are days where i want to go to the parties, experience these things again... and i will, in my time, when im ready.  right now, im not really ready.  right now i am focusing on myself, my family, my kids, my career and fortunately, my health....

well, while im not quite this hot, things are looking up.  i've lost 21lbs so far in 50 days, and i can say, this girl is getting skinny.  dropped a pants size, and im sure a ton of inches.  still have 15lbs to go, but i'll get there.  all i know is i used to be tired after walking up a flight of stairs, now i can run up 4 flights and am only breathing heavy after that.  my tush is firmed up and a little more perky and my medium fitted tee shirts are a bit baggy.  yea, i got bit by the workout bug.  i typically work out 6 days a week (wednesdays are a rest day) and will rest more if its a week we hike.  yes... you read that right... hiking.  im addicted, and in a good way....

yep, thats the girlfriend and i on our last hike.  we did about 8 miles at calvert cliffs state park.  next hike is "Little Devil's Stairs" in the Shenandoah mountains.  its in 2 weeks and i am super excited, nervous at the same time.  its the first "strenuous" hike we've done thus far and i am a little apprehensive.  so, to train, im doing stairs and a ton of leg work.  hope this helps me get to the top!  :)

well, thats been my life for the last few months.  hopefully something more entertaining and fun will await my next blog... :)

christmas...

i wanted to take a few minutes to say that i hope christmas was spent with those you love, and those that love and respect you in return.  my christmas, while a bit sad in the afternoon was enjoyable and spent with my girlfriend, kids and family.  i always get so stressed out for that single moment christmas morning where i see the faces on my boys... and im always thankful in the end that they are such amazing, loving, kind and caring boys who are appreciative and thankful for all of their gifts.  

i hope everyone received the gift of happiness that day... 

hugs.

crystal

saying goodbye...

it feels like life has been in slow motion since sunday the 18th of December.  the whirl of preparing a party for close to 25 kinksters, the hustle and commotion of entertaining and trying to have a good time yourself.  you get lost in the shuffle.  i had the opportunity to "play" with a friend i've met through the lifestyle on sunday at our party... and after speaking with my girlfriend was told that this was okay... that it was fine with her.  so i did.  he gently, over clothes used his whip... and later on, in panties and a tank top he bound me in rope... i softly drifted into subspace, feeling calm, serene, centered.  he stroked my hair, my neck...  i walked around the rest of the night in a cloud.  feeling like i had not a care in the world.  i thought i had found the person i wanted to grow with.  i thought i found the person i wanted to learn from.  little did i know, it would soon be shattered.  

whether it be the jealousy bug, or what have you, my girlfriend felt left out, felt uncomfortable with this interaction and wrote this person.  my world seemed to collapse when i received an email from him stating that i needed to talk to my girlfriend about whats been going on.... then i basically get accused by someone else of "cheating" on my girlfriend.  WTF?  i dont get it... i go through the appropriate channels, i say and do what i am supposed to, im open, honest and forthright and i basically get told that i am wrong... 

things have since worked out with that issue to a degree.  this person has agreed to experiment in play with me again, but what will i have to face when she decides she can't handle this?  where does that leave me?  i attempt to build relationships and they end because of feelings of others that im not even aware of... 

maybe this lifestyle just isnt for me and i need to say goodbye.

i want to be free...

i feel held down, by past failures, by past let downs, by people in general.  the issues i've had with trust continue to come up full circle and its been difficult to handle.  a little over a week ago, another friend decided, even after a promise that she wouldnt do it... played with my friend/play partner SBN.  while im still "reeling" from the first disappointment, i get let down, yet again.  then SBN attempts to turn it around on me, making it even worse than it would have been otherwise.  stating that i "shouldnt have made her keep her promise after i moved past it with the first friend."  excuses.  just plain out excuses.  why am i so drawn to him when all he does is treat me badly, not care about my feelings and not open up at all????

im hurt, i dont know what makes me so undesirable... but apparently i am.  i've felt like a troll for the last week and its been miserable.  every day, i've looked at myself in the mirror and reminded myself of how ugly i am, and how i dont matter... at least in this world.  i cant keep the attention of the one person i wanted to keep as a play partner.  he's distant, more so now than before and i feel myself slipping further away.  which probably isnt such a bad thing considering he hurts me time and time again.  he claims to want to keep our friendship going on but his actions speak differently.  im distant from "friends" whom i thought cared, and i've had to "block" them from popping up in my feed... just so i dont have to see what they're doing...  

and these "friends" which i thought were friends... well, im not sure what they are now...  we dont talk, and when we do its superficial... but its had to be, because i wont let them hurt me again.  whats the saying?  "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me..."

i feel sad, alone, isolated, and in essence... used.  

used by him, by these "friends" and by the lifestyle in general.  makes me sad... knowing that i am honestly disposable to all of these people.  

at least i have the love of my girlfriend and i have the love of my kids.  those two things will pull me through this... there were here before the kink, and they'll be here long after anyone i meet on this random site ever will be.....