The Path Less Travelled

christmas...

2011-12-27T13:56:00.000-08:00

i wanted to take a few minutes to say that i hope christmas was spent with those you love, and those that love and respect you in return. my christmas, while a bit sad in the afternoon was enjoyable and spent with my girlfriend, kids and family. i always get so stressed out for that single moment christmas morning where i see the faces on my boys... and im always thankful in the end that they are such amazing, loving, kind and caring boys who are appreciative and thankful for all of their gifts.

i hope everyone received the gift of happiness that day...

hugs.

crystal

saying goodbye...

2011-12-27T13:50:00.000-08:00

it feels like life has been in slow motion since sunday the 18th of December. the whirl of preparing a party for close to 25 kinksters, the hustle and commotion of entertaining and trying to have a good time yourself. you get lost in the shuffle. i had the opportunity to "play" with a friend i've met through the lifestyle on sunday at our party... and after speaking with my girlfriend was told that this was okay... that it was fine with her. so i did. he gently, over clothes used his whip... and later on, in panties and a tank top he bound me in rope... i softly drifted into subspace, feeling calm, serene, centered. he stroked my hair, my neck... i walked around the rest of the night in a cloud. feeling like i had not a care in the world. i thought i had found the person i wanted to grow with. i thought i found the person i wanted to learn from. little did i know, it would soon be shattered.

whether it be the jealousy bug, or what have you, my girlfriend felt left out, felt uncomfortable with this interaction and wrote this person. my world seemed to collapse when i received an email from him stating that i needed to talk to my girlfriend about whats been going on.... then i basically get accused by someone else of "cheating" on my girlfriend. WTF? i dont get it... i go through the appropriate channels, i say and do what i am supposed to, im open, honest and forthright and i basically get told that i am wrong...

things have since worked out with that issue to a degree. this person has agreed to experiment in play with me again, but what will i have to face when she decides she can't handle this? where does that leave me? i attempt to build relationships and they end because of feelings of others that im not even aware of...

maybe this lifestyle just isnt for me and i need to say goodbye.

i want to be free...

2011-12-11T12:14:00.000-08:00

i feel held down, by past failures, by past let downs, by people in general. the issues i've had with trust continue to come up full circle and its been difficult to handle. a little over a week ago, another friend decided, even after a promise that she wouldnt do it... played with my friend/play partner SBN. while im still "reeling" from the first disappointment, i get let down, yet again. then SBN attempts to turn it around on me, making it even worse than it would have been otherwise. stating that i "shouldnt have made her keep her promise after i moved past it with the first friend." excuses. just plain out excuses. why am i so drawn to him when all he does is treat me badly, not care about my feelings and not open up at all????

im hurt, i dont know what makes me so undesirable... but apparently i am. i've felt like a troll for the last week and its been miserable. every day, i've looked at myself in the mirror and reminded myself of how ugly i am, and how i dont matter... at least in this world. i cant keep the attention of the one person i wanted to keep as a play partner. he's distant, more so now than before and i feel myself slipping further away. which probably isnt such a bad thing considering he hurts me time and time again. he claims to want to keep our friendship going on but his actions speak differently. im distant from "friends" whom i thought cared, and i've had to "block" them from popping up in my feed... just so i dont have to see what they're doing...

and these "friends" which i thought were friends... well, im not sure what they are now... we dont talk, and when we do its superficial... but its had to be, because i wont let them hurt me again. whats the saying? "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me..."

i feel sad, alone, isolated, and in essence... used.

used by him, by these "friends" and by the lifestyle in general. makes me sad... knowing that i am honestly disposable to all of these people.

at least i have the love of my girlfriend and i have the love of my kids. those two things will pull me through this... there were here before the kink, and they'll be here long after anyone i meet on this random site ever will be.....

being thankful

2011-11-26T15:19:00.000-08:00

i dont think i truly take the time most days to really think about why im thankful and what im thankful for. this past week, was the first thanksgiving that i truly felt at ease since my divorce. i was finally able to enjoy myself and my family without remembering that my kids are a part of a divorced home, that my family was "changed" since my separation almost 5 years ago.

so while i am thankful for many things, i am going to take a few minutes to talk about being thankful for life changes. i can say i am thankful for my divorce. without the divorce i would never have gotten to know the woman that i call my partner, bestfriend, lover, confidante, and one day i will call my wife. she is an amazing mom to my boys and she loves unconditionally.

i am thankful that i came across the world of BDSM. while its brought me many tears, i've never felt so free in my life. free to be who i am and free to enjoy being the one not in control. it makes me smile to know that i can trust someone enough to allow myself and my pleasure to be in their hands. the feeling makes me so nervous yet free at the same time. they are feelings that i truly treasure.

i am thankful to have such a wonderful career, such wonderful kids, and such a great support system. without all of these things i dont think i would have gotten through the difficult times that i have over the course of the last few years. i've become such a different person than i was only 5 years ago. i've become more relaxed, i've learned to laugh again, i've started to learn patience, and i've had to reconfigure my needs and priorities.

this is my favorite time of year, i couldnt ask for more... :)

jealousy...

2011-11-20T14:03:00.000-08:00

in a perfect world jealousy wouldnt exist. it is an emotion that to me is senseless. it just causes stress, and anxiety. it can make you physically sick and cause you to spiral into thoughts of "am i worth it."

"I have come to learn that this instinctive emotion is merely trying to protect our ego, by burying our inadequacies and insecurities. Our mind is at work protecting us in the comforts of our little cocoon shell. But to what benefit does it serve?"

my jealousy issues stem from my feelings of being replaced, of being not important, being pushed aside, belittled, or not being good enough, not being pretty enough, and not meeting expectations. in the world of public play, they also have to do with the fact that i believe that everyone's body is more attractive than mine and they all look so much better than i do scantily clothed (or nude).

last night, a play partner of mine was at the playhouse and was there playing with someone else. i knew in advance, so that helped. this was good for me to experience, however difficult it was. i couldn't watch the whole thing, as a matter of fact i would watch and then divert my attention elsewhere, leave the room or retreat into my own mind to escape. it truly helps that people play all over the place and there are plenty of areas to look and pay attention. it helps ground me that i didn't have to watch their whole scene.

i couldn't really "deal" with it while i was there, had to keep my "game" face on... but i have dealt with it since then. reflecting on why i felt the way i did and moving past those emotions are necessary for me in order to continue in this lifestyle in the fashion that i am, and to keep the friendship with this man whom i care for... more than he'll ever know. you cannot expect people to change their behavior, so you have to either cut them loose or change your own. so i made my decision to change mine.

i have to stop comparing myself to other people. realizing that i'm an individual and that people like me for who i am, and they aren't comparing me to anyone else needs to be one of the first things i deal with. i have a lot of self image issues. one of the main hurdles i hope that this lifestyle helps me face, confront and get past. i need to see the benefits of uniqueness and stop focusing on what "she" has that "i" don't. comparing yourself to others is more detrimental than you can imagine. you are here for a reason, and people care about you, for all of the traits that make you who you are. its mentally getting to the point of accepting that and reveling in it that's difficult. it will take some time, but i'll get there, i'll learn to love my own body, and all of its imperfections and i'll turn that into something positive and one day the jealousy bug wont bite so hard. :)

Enigma.

asked to write a paper on Gorean Culture... So... i place it here for review.

2011-11-13T08:30:00.000-08:00

History of Gor

Gor originated through a series of books created by John Norman (Wikipedia, 2011). These books combined erotica, philosophy and science fiction and have a clearly delineated set of customs and rituals, which their inhabitants utilize in daily life. The books about the planet Gor center around an alternate universe, which is similar to Earth, but with a lower center of gravity. This planet was populated by Gorean leaders who came to Earth to collect individuals who were fitting to their society. Many of these individuals mimicked those of Native American, Viking and roman lineage. This alternate planet has a lower atmospheric pressure and lower center of gravity, hence allowing winged flying creatures to be a part of this society. Many of the leaders have “insect” like physical qualities, and rule their world in a dictatorship way. Tall buildings are connected by bridges and the cities themselves run parallel to what we would call the pacific seaboard. The term “Gor” means “Home Stone,” and this is a key aspect, which is central to all of the books, the characters and the lifestyle within the villages.

Many of the books center on sexual and military like adventures. There are several races of people on the planet Gor. The insect like rulers, Priest Kings, the predatory group called the Kurii, and abducted humans. In many of the books, the flora and fauna of the planets are detailed as well as are the reasons for the formation of this civilization. On this planet, there are great technologies which run abound, but most of the lives of those on the planet are lived according to ancient roman times. While they have many advances greater to that of the Earth, they still remain strong in their historical context.

Philosophical Ideals

The common place teachings of the books are central to the theme of casting off societal norms and living a life more so which is congruent with one’s environment. Being respectful, embracing sexual differences, and role within society are key aspects which are addressed in these books (Wolfcat, 2006). The idea that generally females are smaller, less dominant and more nurturing run through the stories. But the series also reflects on the idea that while these are generalities, there are exceptions. And many women who were born to lead and men who were born to follow, so in these circumstances head of household changes. The series focuses on following your own path and being proud of who you are as well as living up to what you are supposed to be, rather than following societal norms and requirements. (i.e., while females are generally submissive, this isnt always the case and one should follow their natural path.) The books focus on individuals finding inner peace with who they are.

Honor is a key theme in Gorean ideals. Honor within yourself, for your family and your society are necessary in Gorean lifestyle. Belief in natural order of things is another big philosophical ideal. Respect for the environment, and respect for hierarchy are also large aspects of the philosophy. The lifestyle also incorporates the ideas of free relationship institutions as well as those of slavery. Interactions within society should respect these roles and in turn they should be upheld as a sign of respect.

Gorean Slavery

Slavery (kajira) is an integral part of Gorean lifestyle. While not mandatory, it is a central feature and one for which Goreans are known for. While many individuals look at the “fun” aspects of Gorean slavery such as being forced to have orgasms, going without panties, wearing a gag during play, they seem to forget that while these sexual acts generally are a part of the lifestyle the slaves in Gorean culture also work themselves from the bottom up. Scrubbing floors, cleaning, forced to go without speaking or whatever the master decides. Gorean slaves are meant to serve not just the master, but all those in the hierarchy above them. If a master sees fit to loan out their slave, they are free to do so and the slave has no say in the matter.

There are no contracts in Gorean slavery. Rather the final collaring of the slave consummates the agreement and this seals the oath of the slave to the master. The slave can request to be released of her collar but if the master says no then the slave must stay and continue to serve. This being said, a slave must feel nurtured to continue to serve the master in the ways that they desire. Education, support, emotional and physical attention are necessary for a slave to continue to function fully and in full capacity. Slave tasks may include not only sexual slavery, but also the ability to maintain a household, possess artistic skills, wear an appealing outfit and address the master in certain manner. Gorean slave women are branded, which means they are marked with certain signs burned into the flesh on being enslaved. To mark a slave as a particular owner's property, a collar with the owner's name is placed upon the slave

There are slave positions which slaves in the lifestyle must understand and know how to complete at the moments notice. For many these can be pleasurable, for presentation, or for punishment. Eyes cast downward typically accompanies each of these slave positions. A breakdown of many of the positions are liked here http://www.angelfire.com/journal2/positions/. These positions can cause a number of physical reactions in the slave. They cause diffuse introspection and causes the slave to reflect on how they feel and how they are perceived by the master.

BDSM and Gor – Comparisons

Safe, sane and consensual. They are the watchwords of BDSM. Gor doesn't follow those rules. In Gor, they do want to be physically and mentally safe...being sane is probably a good thing...[grins]...and the slavery we practice is consensual, up to a point. There are no safe words, there are no days they do this and days they don't. It may not be something they do in front of children, but some do. Gor operates on Honor and Trust. The slave must trust her Master enough to give herself into his hands. Trust that he will care for her life and well being as long as she is pleasing to him. A Gorean Master takes the responsibility for his slave in what she does, how she acts, what she wears, what she learns; responsibility for all parts of her as well as her well being and health. A true master does not willingly damage something valuable to him. Like anywhere else, there are pretenders, abusers, and people trying to do something they really are unfit to do. Goreans would say that a man must master himself before he can master a slave. The good Masters do not need to prove themselves to anyone because they have already proved what they are to themselves.

The other big difference is that BDSM seems to be about sex, that a lot of their activities revolve around pleasure and control. Gorean slavery is about service of a slave to her Master and the pleasing of him. Sex is there but it is not the most important thing. A Gorean slave is not only free to explore and reveal her sexuality, she is required to do so. She is not allowed to withhold any part of her from her Master. Most Goreans do not seem to do much BDSM play. There may be a bit of bondage or things (besides collars) which could be called fetish wear, but they are not central to being Gorean. A Gorean Master does not whip a slave for her erotic enjoyment, or his, but to punish her. To make her understand that she was displeasing in her actions or attitudes and that she needs to change what he found displeasing.

It is hard, though not impossible to do BDSM by yourself. A man or a woman can be Gorean without owning a slave. Being Gorean is an attitude and a way of life, not something you do in the bedroom or when you put on special clothes and go to a play party somewhere. It does not turn on or turn off when convenient. Gor just is.

Some people involved in BDSM use Gor to spice up their play at times, sometimes Gorean use BDSM to spice up their sex. However, if a slave's hands are bound behind her back, for example, it is because the master does not want her to use her hands at that point in time. Or it could be as punishment for doing something with them that she was not supposed to do. It could also be for training purposes. Many different reasons, but her sexual enjoyment of being bound is likely to be very low on or totally off of the list of reasons.

Individuals who practice Gor all the time need to remember that they live on Earth, not Gor. They live within the confines and legalities of our society. They do what we can to recreate parts of the Gorean philosophies and Master/slave system, but more importantly for men; they look to the books as a guide to our behavior and existence as men. It has been said that a man can be Gorean and never own a slave. A free woman can be Gorean and never be a slave. A slave can be Gorean only while she is a slave to a Gorean Master.

Telling the difference between those who might properly be called Gorean and those who only play or pretend to be Gorean can be hard at times. It is not easy to tell in all cases. It takes much practice on the behalves of those who live the lifestyle. While Gorean culture is very seriously ventured into by persons who identify with the culture, it isn’t for everyone. Rather, many choose to incorporate pieces of both BDSM and Gor lifestyles into their practices. Its all about what works for the individual and incorporating the pieces that are important while remaining safe and consentual.

feeling better...

2011-11-12T12:46:00.000-08:00

you know that they do say that time heals all wounds... but i wonder, is it time that truly does this or is it just us, moving on, the wounds closing, being adults and saying "fuck it" i cant keep this shit up, i need to let it go. for some of us its a moment in time that makes us see that we've been brooding/obsessing over something that truly in the grand scheme of things is inconsequential. for some people its a miracle, an act of kindness, a word from a friend, an email, a piece of information that changes everything...

a friend read my last blog and emailed me her thoughts regarding my issues/ideas. this was totally a surprise as while she may read postings, watch all my sordid and tormented details on fetlife and from afar she may make a mental note on occasion, i was happily surprised that she truly cared enough to send me a few words of encouragement. amongst a few other heartfelt statements, she gave me probably one of the best pieces of advice i've ever received with regard to the whole BDSM lifestyle...

"It's cops and robbers for grown ups with our clothes off."

Thats really all this stuff is. Its fun, its exciting, and for many of us, its part of who we are. its part of what "gets us off" and makes our minds expand and our "juices" flow... but its not real life. you cant take this into a court of law and say "Your honor... so see, we made this blood pact in front of everyone while there was a dildo up my ass and i was suspended over a bed of flaming coals... so you completely have to uphold this...." it doesnt work that way. its fun, its exciting, and if we let it consume us it can take control of our entire being. im not that girl. it isnt going to consume me. i love the idea of 24/7, but at one point, when "life" gets real... all this "stuff" gets pushed to the side and we take care of what needs to be done.

while i hate to admit it, i am a fairly sexual person, i think about sex and sex acts fairly frequently, much more than i will ever admit to... most of the time i'll act so laissez faire that you'll have no clue im even remotely interested. and to get to that place, do you know what gets me aroused, the feel of wax and rope on my skin, a sharp sting across my backside, a bite to the shoulder, a blindfold so i have no clue whats next, a good game of role play, a bit of a mind game, maybe some consentual nonconsent. am i warped because these things cross my mind? no way... its part of me, and i am so happy i've allowed these feelings to come out and into the open. sometimes i get overwhelmed by how much i enjoy it and in turn i do sometimes get guilty feelings over it... but you know what, its okay... because at the end of the day... i have a few things i can always hold onto.... i have the love of my partner, and she will support me no matter where this lifestyle takes us. back to vanilla life? she'll go along with me... tie me up and abuse me, well, she'd be up for that too....

im one of the lucky ones, i have found my penguin. the person that was made for me and she's okay with my quirks, my neediness, my need for a tiara every now and then and she'll be there as a shoulder to cry on whenever i need her. when this "lifestyle" and those involved are cruel she's always there to try to make me smile.

That my friends is what its all about. sharing in this life, with someone who not only doesnt judge you, but enjoys the ride as well.

Enigma.

Life is what you make of it...

2011-11-09T17:58:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt like your standing in quicksand and cannot get out? The last few days I've had a very difficult time pulling out of this sadness. I cant put an exact reason to it but I'm feeling stressed and overwhelmed along with isolated and alone. I feel like I have no real friends to turn to, no support and nothing to catch me when this rope finally breaks. I know my girlfriend will be there no matter what but I'm afraid even she can't fix this one.

Work has been exceptionally busy, and there isn't an end in sight. They just keep adding more work, more operating rooms, we have less beds, dealing with short staffing and the flu season is coming which will make all this worse. We move to a bigger unit on monday and they give me no more staff than I have now. we have been forced to care for younger and younger children, of which none of us are really comfortable doing so. its stressful. putting your name on a chart when its something you are so uncomfortable in doing. i tell people this all the time, i work in the area i work in because im good at it. you wont see me in labor and delivery, i wouldnt have a clue how to help a mother labor and take care of her while she gives birth. deadlines, expectations, and well, the reality of being the one in charge is finally getting to me. light at the end? yes. I do have a week off coming in December, which will be a relief. I even added in a few extra days off without talking to anyone. I need to decompress.

School is making me more stressed than ever and I have 3-4 assignments due each week. I'm working on my second week and already feel that I'm hurried and behind. I have no clue how to motivate myself into doing all this stuff. i am a procrastinator, always have been, and this stuff does not come easy. anatomy, physiology, yes... easy, loved it. project management, not so much. i cant even motivate myself to get my clothes picked out the night before. you expect me to learn how to manage an entire installation of a computer charting system by myself? right now i cant see myself doing well in this class. to top it off, yet another software program I have to teach myself. Maybe I'll start that one a bit earlier than last time, i'll try to focus and get through this. then, an 8 week break while i organize my clinical rotation...

and financially... mortgage goes up, christmas is upon us, and there seems to be not enough money to pay for everything that needs to be taken care of... sigh.... kids want things that are astronomically expensive and as a mother i want to buy them these things. i want to give them everything that i didnt have growing up, everything that they want because it makes them happy. because i cannot stand the thought of seeing disappointment on their faces when their christmas isnt what they expect.

christmas is a difficult time for me. i dont have a lot of family, and those i do have i am not exceptionally close to. with the exception of leenie and my kids there are very few biological family members whom i care for and whom i can trust. christmas is hard... my boys have to split time between our home and their dads and 2pm is the most difficult time of the day... i drop them to their dad and spend the rest of the day without the laughter and smiles and joy of my kids. i think that's when it hits me that hardest that life has changed so much. that the divorced family is something that i have to continually work at and that my kids are living this every single day.

my (first) ex husband really bothered me this week... i spoke to him on the phone the other day and had invited him to our "kinky" holiday party. i spent almost 20 minutes justifying to him how the activities i engage in are not "sick/twisted" and "disturbing." it really hurt me that someone who i have always thought so much of could think so little of me and who i've become... because i have become who i am... partly because of him. having known him since i was 15, married him, and been in his corner as a friend ever since i expected much more. his statements made me feel badly about myself. it made me question who i am becoming and who i am. it made me wonder if this is really how i want to live my life. i value his opinion, which is why this was so difficult. outside of leenie, he is one of my very best friends and to be honest and have him tell me that i need "psychological help," was hurtful. it made me question the very essence of BDSM and the life i've come to love. it made me feel dirty, used, isolated. it was a difficult feeling... and from someone who i didnt expect to get that from....

i wanted to run to my protector/mentor but she's been missing in action. she did have surgery about 2 weeks ago... but i feel that she's not there for me when i have these difficult moments. i feel like she's not in my corner, that i cannot come to her when things like this happen. i had hoped for more. i still hope for more when she's back to herself again. i just hope she hasnt given up on me.

.... fast forward to tonite... (all of the previous was written earlier at work...)

I need to move past this stuff. its material, its inconsequential. its minute. life is more than the problems im presently facing and i will not let these things (or anything else) take my focus from what's important. i do have people that care, i do have a good career, im intelligent and i will get this class done. my kids love me, they are home, they are safe and they are tucked into their nice warm beds, in a house that's theirs. we are lucky. we are blessed... so... that being said... im living for today... im going to be happy with what i have and im moving on. no more sadness. life is too short.

the best things are friends and family....

risk it... its worth it

other than myself... and im removing that obstacle

without hurt we will never reach our potential... i love you keith... i really do... but dont judge what you dont understand....

its time to move on... what happened happened, compersion isnt easy

yep.... it certainly is. the sun will come out tomorrow...

will you dance with me?

im not a size 2... and that's okay. im special the way i am.

lowering my expectations of others... protecting what's important...

sometimes that's all we can do. :)

im going to give this a try. :)

its time to move on... let the past go.

im going to stop letting people upset me. i dont control their actions. they do. i can only control how i respond....

those are true friends...

its not going to happen... and its true. just let it go.

bigger and better things... my only constraint is myself.

we are all miracles... even those who hurt us and make us sad...

these really meant a lot to me tonite...

Enigma.

if i had $1 for every time i put someone else ahead of my own self i'd be a millionaire...

2011-11-06T15:25:00.000-08:00

what i wouldnt give for this to be true! i had a good cry tonite. yes, part emotion because of the freaking imbalance of estrogen/progesterone that occurs once per month, but partly because i had to get this off my chest. i am always giving in. always being the one to let the "fight" go for the greater good of the relationship.

with my first marriage, while a good person, he was controlling. i was in my early 20's and time and time again i sacrificed experiencing all of the "rites of passage" because i was a wife, and i was doing what i felt at that time i needed to do in order to be a good wife, partner, and to keep the peace. sure, i wanted to go out and drink/party with my friends, but i didnt. because i wanted to keep the peace.

my second marriage i gave up a lot too... and i wouldnt trade that for the world. for 4 years, while my kids were young i worked weekends only, he worked weekdays, so the kids were seldom in childcare. we took turns and i sacrificed the family gatherings, etc to take care of my family. my ex had a "tenuous" career and could get laid off for cutbacks at any given point in time. so we needed the stability of my income.

even now... i live in the house i do because i want to provide my kids with the home they were born/raised in. even if this means i work crazy hours, miss field trips, cant volunteer as much as i'd like, and miss practices during the week. mom has to work is a phrase my kids use all too often. what they dont see is that i do what i do so that they can experience and have all the things that they do. so that we can keep our acreage, our home, our dogs, etc... they dont realize i divorced their dad so that they wouldnt have to see the arguing, the fighting anymore... little did i know that it would actually get (and stay) worse than what they'd experienced before.

and then right now... not only do i feel betrayed by a friend that i thought i could trust, but i have not received a text, call, nothing from the guy whom this was all over. i seldom talk to my "supposed" protector, this person who is supposed to be helping me navigate through this overwhelming lifestyle is missing and doesnt appear interested. time and time again i've gotten our group together, hosted at my house, not asked for a thing. i offered her daughter a place to stay and even offered to drive her to work when i was going that way.

i DO enjoy doing things for people, i really do. i am definitely a service type person, i love making those around me happy, i like them to feel safe and i want them to like me, and want them to know that i'd be there if they ever needed me. because i would. my career is as a nurse, i do for people every single day. all their needs placed before my own because that's who i am and that's what i do.

even a person like me can get tired. im tired of always being the one to have to let go of their anger, animosity, hurt, their time, their needs. to sacrifice all of me to take care of others is physically wearing on me right now. i need to not think, not be concerned, not worry and i dont see that happening any time soon. i feel like a hamster on a wheel, the scenery may change when my cage is moved, but i still never get anywhere. its the same wheel. just a different cage.

Enigma

its been a week of ups and downs...

2011-11-05T16:15:00.000-07:00

i have to say that this week will be one i'll remember for quite a while. i've blogged about the roller coaster ride before, but this, albeit similar, is very different. i've ranged in emotion from elated, to despondent and withdrawn.

i called out sick from work. it was halloween. i was sad because my kids were with their dad, i was sad because i just needed more time with them and a prompt 7am start time was way to early to achieve this. i was excited because i had a playdate scheduled with my girlfriend and a good friend of ours.

playdate came and was it a complete 180 degree difference from what i had experienced before with him. i lost track of time, he was present in the moment, my girlfriend was active in the sweet torture, he was kind, he was affectionate afterward and he paddled, flogged, whipped, and spanked my ass until it was a deep purple. my thighs suffered, i was bound, blindfolded, and left for their use. he and my partner that is. the fun and exciting part was i had no clue who was inflicting the dose of pain... i fell deep into subspace and the rest of that night and the next day i was a blabbering idiot. that floaty space that i love was achieved. i was happy... and i was okay that he didnt want anything "permanent," i was okay that this was a friend who also was a sadist and he was giving me attention. i was happy. when the blindfold came off she was facing me, i had my afghan that my grandmother made me, and i had his hand on my side... i was touching my beloved's arm, i was holding his. i was truly happy...

The results...

so.....

i went to work... i floated, made practically no sense... on more than one occasion i got "are you okay... why are you so happy?" i went home to arnica and an ice pack. lots of hugs from my partner, and texts from the guy who inflicted the sweet pain.

fast forward....

text from the girlfriend said... "did you know that <insert name here> was having a playdate with <insert name here>? (basically, a close friend of mine was playing with a guy that i just played with on monday. wow... how to take that. i didnt take it well. it consumed my day, my heart, my mind and my vulnerabilities.

lets give background. he plays with a lot of people... fine, whatever, i've accepted that. they arent close friends and while i know about it, i dont get the details, i dont see pictures, i dont get the banter between them, they keep it quiet and if they didnt, on this elusive site i would "gag" them so i didnt have to read about it. this was a close friend, someone i speak to on almost a daily basis... and all of this was done, "while i was sleeping." im not so much mad that they played, because she and i had talked about it before... what im hurt over is that i found out through a third party, and was left to process it all myself.

was i hurt, fucking right i was. here was a friend playing with someone i truly care about. IT TAKES TIME TO ACCEPT THIS STUFF! waking up to this was not my ideal friday morning. im not an emotional person, fuck, i could give a shit about most things. people die all the time and i typically say... "oh well, there's an empty ICU bed." when it comes to my kids, my partner or friendships, i do fucking care. i deserve the fucking decency of a "btw... we were thinking of going to "X" would you be okay with this?" Just like I gave HER the courtesy when i was going to go to dinner with a friend of hers. when this came up my question to her was "would you be okay with me going out with X, if not, i totally understand and your friendship means more to me than any guy..." i expect the same fucking courtesy.

i understand we are all humans, free to make our own decisions, and my decision is to be pissed off at both of these people right now. i was jealous, hurt, angry, and yes, i acted immature. i deleted all my content on my profile, i deleted any and all pics with my face in them, and i deleted over 40 people on my friends list. i wanted to disappear. because my heart was hurting and felt broken. so fucking sue me. im human.

i wont let this happen again.... from now on, me, emotion, and this lifestyle will not intertwine. i'll be my smart ass self, but i wont let my heart be a part of it, because people DONT CARE.

woke feeling empty. my partner and i had plans to go to a flea market type event and lunch with a group of people. i cancelled it all. i am not ready to see him. she's tried to speak to me a few times, i told her i need space. a pissed off yourenigma isnt one that you want to talk rational to, its not possible. i will maliciously use words to hurt you when im mad and because i value this person as a friend i wasnt going to do this today. we bantered back and forth a bit and i deleted her off my profile... partly on accident because i regretted it the second i hit "send" but partly happy because i needed space and i dont want to see the pictures from friday night. i dont want to see them because it would make me sad.

where to go now?

i dont know to be honest. he and i have "rectified" things to a degree. but by that i mean we're still friends and he's back to his aloof, distanced, mr. big and bad self, parading his sadistic skills to the females he chooses to play with. me... well, i went on a nice long walk, worked out for 30 minutes in addition to that, and plan on watching movies and eating junk food with my girlfriend all evening. tomorrow we'll go for a bike ride and i will take out my aggressions on the pavement.

sucks though... im giving up lifestyle stuff for a while, i've told my girlfriend i want to go back to "vanilla" life, no bondage, no sex even, until im past this. i need to heal and i cant if i have that in my face. i dont want to see or feel rope, nothing. this event on friday has scarred me and only time will tell how long it takes for me to snap back and let it go. im still on the elusive fetlife site, i still post, and i will keep up with friends that way, no question. i've met some amazing people and i dont want to lose them. but how i will deal with two of the people i considered friends when i encounter them next still remains a mystery. guess the only way to know is to wait and see and take things one breath at a time. i just want peace...

Enigma

my penguin

2011-11-01T19:44:00.000-07:00

Penguin Lyrics

Can you find the time
to let your lover love you
He only wants to show you
The things he wants to learn too
The hardest parts you’ll get through
And in the end you’ll have your best friend

Love like this may come once
Baby it’s fate
Like a soul mate he’s your penguin
Baby it’s fate
Baby it’s fate
Not luck

Can you find the time to let your lover hold you
He needs somebody to hold to
His love is strong and so true
His arrows aiming for you
And he’s the one that you were born to love
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com

Love like this may come once
Baby it’s fate
Like a soul mate he’s your penguin
Baby it’s fate
Baby it’s fate
Not luck

Let go
Let go
of time for you
and I
Let go
Let go
of time for you
and I
Let go
Let go
of time for you
and I

Love like this is all I want
Baby were fate
Love like this may come once
Baby were fate
Like a soul mate your my penguin
Baby were fate
Baby it’s fate
Not luck

replace the "He" with "She"....

I found my penguin in you Leenie. You are my penguin, today, tomorrow and always.

Enigma.

who said its ever easy?

2011-10-26T18:37:00.001-07:00

my girlfriend posed this question to me yesterday and suggested it be what i blog about next... she asked...

"So what traits do you look for in play partners?"

for those of you who haven't figured this out... my partner and i are in a polyamorous, D/s, female led, kinky relationship. what this means is that we are predominately with each other, however, we are each free to play with others, date another person if we choose, and yes, in some circumstances i let her wear the panties and boss me around, tie me up, and spank my ass. there i said it.

so we've been doing this a while now and she notices that i don't have a specific "type" of person that i play with. so she wonders what it is that i look for. so i sit here to write it all down. above all else i want someone intelligent. intelligence is the number one priority. creativity is a second. if you look at the few people i've played with, they've all been creative. very intuitive thinkers. i dont have a preference when it comes to looks. i do say though, i dont like them "super skinny" and i do have to have someone i believe could "overpower" me if thats what the scene calls for. dark hair. i have a thing for dark hair, nice teeth, pretty eyes and nice smell.

they have to have a drive for something. i dont care whether its cars, football, their job, but something... passion, drive, interest, zest. i like "manly" men... guys who arent afraid to get dirty but clean up well. i like guys who enjoy and appreciate music and good movies.

so as you see i dont have a type per se... but rather a few traits that make me smile. i think its just like picking out a car. you might like the body style, but it doesnt have the interior features you want... so do you buy the car? usually not. you wait for that one to come around that makes you smile and say "yep... i'll take two of those...."

Enigma.

a letter to my boys...

2011-10-23T18:34:00.000-07:00

dear boys,

my life is you. it always has been, it always will be, even before you were born, i knew i would love you beyond measure. you are my morning, my noon, and my night. you are my main reason for smiling and you being sad, injured, or hurt are the only things that can tear me apart. not any physical injury in this world could be worse than knowing that you are sad. when you are away from me, a bit of my heart is with you. you keep it in your pocket, whether you know it or not... it is there... and it only comes back when you do.

i tried to call you tonite. i talked to you, my dear sweet tater and for that i am so thankful. i got to hear your sleepy, yet sweet voice, and while short, you told me you loved me and that you missed me. you are my blonde haired spunky, sweet, kind and caring angel and you are one of the best gifts i've ever received.

my wonderful oldest pumpkin pie... while i was waiting for your brother to get you, i heard your step mom yelling, i heard your daddy cussing, and i heard them tell you that you couldnt talk to me. i heard it all, i know it wasnt you. i know it was them. i faintly heard someone crying. i can only imagine it was you. i hope the weekend wasnt too bad, i hope they took care of you and that you're safe. i love you my dear sweet boy, you and your brother have to take care of each other when leenie and i cant be there to take care of you.

i emailed your teacher to have her check on you... tell you i love you to the moon and back and that i will try again, that i will continue to fight this fight tomorrow and for however long it takes to get you home to me... permanently, away from the madness at your dads house. away from her vicious lies and away from her hateful words.

i am sad right now because its the first time in 4 years that your dad hasnt let me speak to you... my heart is broken right now... but wednesday when you bring me those precious two pieces all will be mended again.

until then my sweet angels. sleep well, and know that we're sleeping under the same dark sky... i am thinking of you. i love you. you are my heaven and earth sweet boys. mommy loves you more than you'll ever know.

always. forever. until the end of time.

so she asked... and i'll oblige her.

2011-10-23T08:37:00.000-07:00

the question was posed to me by my girlfriend as to what i liked physical and non physical about our relationship. i asked if i could also list what i "didnt like" about our relationship and she said that was okay too. so here i sit to write.....

what i like physically....

her smile
her hair
how close we sleep
the way she looks in mens boxers
feeling her arms around me when we sleep
her ability to stay "calm" under any and all circumstances
her ability to take control when i've lost it all
how she brings me coffee while im in the shower
how she is the only person who's ever made me cum and lose all consciousness
how she can tell me it will all be "okay" and convince me enough to believe her.

non-physical attributes that i like...

her calming nature
her ability to remember everything
how smart she is
how she loves me and the boys
how she puts the boys and i ahead of any and everything.
how she trusts me and loves me unconditionally.

i probably mixed "physical" with "non-physical" and i think thats okay. there are many other things that i love about her, too many to list, and i learn more things every day. she makes me fall in love further with each passing moment. she's the most unselfish person ever. the most unselfish person i have ever known. she listens to people, and she remembers, and she genuinely cares. i've never known someone who can care so much for people she barely knows.

there isnt much i dont like... not enough to put into "bullet" points. when you've wronged her or someone she loves its difficult to get her to ever "like" or "trust" you again. if she doesnt like you, there is a definitive possibility that she never will. and the thing is, she has reasons, convictions and you will probably not change them. she always gives me my way. i used to think i loved that... but i know that i need her to be stronger sometimes. i love that she knows when to "let" me win... but she needs to learn how to "allow" me to lose. she "hounds" me to get things done. drives me nuts. just let a procrastinator be!!!!!

so there isnt much i dont like... much less than the things i do like.

yep, i kinda love her. i think i have since i met her... and will for the rest of my life.

the only thing that can break my heart, mind, body and spirit...

2011-10-16T06:33:00.000-07:00

yesterday goes down in history as one of the absolute worst days of my life. the first being the day of my divorce (not because of the divorce itself, but because i knew that for the rest of their childhood i would have to share my babies.)and yesterday... well, was another.

day started out wonderfully, my girlfriend was sleeping, i got the bag packed for baseball, the kids ready, etc. we woke herrock (my girlfriend) and off we went. about 1/2 way into the ride my nose started bleeding. i wasnt concerned initially as this has been happening for the last two weeks off and on. i thought a few tissues and it would be done. little did i know, a few hours later, it would still be bleeding. so we get to the field and herrock took the boys to the field, i told her i'd follow along when i got the bleeding to stop. i texted her about 40 minutes later when i'd run out of tissues to come meet me at the car. she did and we made the decision to take the kids out of the game and head to the ER for me to be seen and hopefully get the nose to stop bleeding... we go to the field and my ex decides to call the police. claiming I am "taking his kids away from him and being hostile on the field." he wouldnt let them go. the step monster continued to hold on to the arms of my little boys and wouldnt let them leave. i felt helpless. Herrock called me over to the edge of the dugout and we decided to walk away and go to the police station ourselves, so as not to continue to make a scene in front of the kids.

as we were pulling out of the parking lot herrock notices that my ex, we shall call him "satan." is chasing after us writing down our license plate. well, we were stopped on the way out of the baseball park by the police. herrock continued to tell them the story of what happened. end of story, to them, was that it was OUR weekend, WE took them to the game, WE wanted them to leave with us and he should have let them without making a scene. case closed.

the police, while they say they hate being involved with this decide to go get the kids from the field and return them to us where they should have been anyway. 30 minutes later, they were in our custody and we were off to the ER.

as graphic as this picture seems, this is about what it looked like... so.... we get to the ER, the first thing the PA asks is ... "have you been picking your nose?" ewww. no. i rubbed the tip because it itched and its been bleeding since. sigh... he clears out the old blood as best as he can and concedes that yes, it is a posterior bleed, one they couldnt even see and they wouldnt call an ENT to evaluate... so they place a "rhino rocket" up my nose to tamponade the bleeding. i was in agony. so they release some of the air in the rocket, i call my ENT who is on call in Annapolis to tell them what they've done and he tells me to come in on Monday so he can take a look.

you see that long tampon looking thing that gets filled with air? they shoved that up my nose! i thought i would DIE! we get home, i cant take this rhino rocket up my nose, so i release all the air and pull the damn thing out. (yes, im hard headed... so sue me.) and so far, no bleeding again. but i will still go see my ENT on monday so that he can cauterize and find the bleed with his trusty scope. (I <3 my ENT like its no ones business...)

my boys seem to be okay. they were disappointed they had to leave the field because it was the last game and there were trophies involved. we explained to the best of our ability why we called them off the field and they understood. they were still scared that the police were involved, but they seem okay.

i cannot seem to stop crying this morning, all the stress of yesterday has me partly regretting my decision to pull them, partly proud because in the last two weeks i have held to my guns and fought for what was right by them, and partly nervous/scared that i may need another sinus surgery if we cant fix this in the office. also worried because yet again, aileen had to call out of work to take care of me... and this puts her job in jeopardy. but i needed her here last night. if i were to start bleeding again someone would have had to stay with the kids and being where we live, there was no one we could call...

another day is here... the kids seem happy, my nose isnt bleeding and we will make today better than yesterday. and we will play, watch football, read, relax, have a nice dinner and be thankful that we have survived another weekend.

Enigma.

i cant talk about fantasies... but can i write them?

2011-10-15T06:13:00.000-07:00

fan·ta·sy/ˈfantəsē/

Noun:

The faculty or activity of imagining things that are impossible or improbable.

fantasies.... they dont come true right? when i was younger, i had a fantasy that i would be the thin, popular girl. i also had the fantasy of owning a unicorn... it never happened, neither of them. rather i hung out with people who cared about me, people from all walks of life, of all styles, they were those who i could confide in, those whom i knew would be there through thick and through thin. so was the fantasy of being the popular girl better than reality? i dont think so. not in that case. what i had were friends who i knew respected me, cared for me, and loved me. that was better than any fantasy could be or ever have been.

flash forward to now... this blog isnt exactly about the past, even though that may come up sometime... its about my journey into the life of S/m, D/s. so lets talk about THOSE fantasies.

fantasy #1: one of pursuit, take down and capture. you know... the one where im at some public place, i get a whisper in my ear that im being followed and that i am to go directly to "x" place... at which point i am forced against my will to do things that i wouldnt dream of. until finally i give in....
fantasy #2: given instruction by someone to be naked, sitting in a chair, place my own blindfold, and wait there... at which point someone comes, tightens the blindfold, binds me to the chair, places ear plugs. i have no clue what's going on... who's there... but i feel hands, several sets of hands, touching... and i havnent a clue who they belong to. delightfully tortured for a time unknown to me... to have my blindfold removed, the binding undone and to see only my beloved girlfriend in front of me smiling. i ask a million questions and get no answer... never knowing who was there.
fantasy #3: hiking, nice picnic, waterfalls, fall leaves, amazing bondage, to a tree... fearful that someone may come by... taken advantage of in delightful ways. grins.
fantasy #4: watching my girlfriend be delightfully tortured by a person of her choice... only coming to "play" when requested.

okay... so that's enough for now. but again... lets look at the definition of fantasy....

fan·ta·sy/ˈfantəsē/

Noun:

The faculty or activity of imagining things that are impossible or improbable.

So if i cant have my unicorn, the rest cannot come true either... can it?

Enigma

blasts from the past... and other random thoughts.

2011-10-14T06:48:00.000-07:00

he's not worth writing about... he truly isnt, but here i sit. writing about him and his return to a realm i had hoped he had disappeared from. yep, the elusive cheesegritty is back. oh for the love of jehova, why? last night while on fetlife i was checking my feed and realized a mutual friend had "welcomed him back" and friended him on this pervy book of face type site. i had mixed feelings when i saw this, curious at first, angry second and still wondering what the hell happened so many months ago.

for those that are familiar with my former "relationship" (and i use that term loosely) with this man, you will understand (or maybe you wont) my fascination with him and his life. he was one of my first close friends on fetlife, one of the first people i've actually met and "played" with, and one of the first guys since my ex husband that i had felt a connection to. while our relationship was short lived, tumultuous, and drama filled, i'll say it, he broke my heart. i cared about him, i trusted him, and he ruined a piece of me for this world. he caused me not to trust again... not for a while at least. my relationship with him made me question myself, my worth and whether this "life" was really for me. how can you let someone into your life, trust them and have them destroy your heart? i guess no different from the vanilla lifestyle choices that we make every day.

so now he's back, and what i choose to do with this is my decision. and my decision is this. i will not let anything he contributes to this site to infect me. not one little bit. i will stay away, i will not look at his profile, i will not perv his pictures, and i will try my hardest to keep away from any relationships that he develops. (i.e., i will try to stay away from anyone with mutual connections.) i will move forward and away from him as i have for the last 4 months or so. i will let him stay "gone" as he has been, i will continue to grow in life, love and in experience... and i'll be much better for it with him gone. cheesegritty, i said goodbye to you, and that goodbye was as good as forever.

Enigma.

Three Weeks Left...

2011-10-12T17:54:00.000-07:00

SUPER DE DUPER EXCITED! Someone got a 15points out of a possible 15 points on her paper!!!!!!

Changing mindset...

2011-10-12T14:42:00.000-07:00

the picture above represents where i typically am on any given day. Stressed! Its funny when i found this picture... many of the traits listed above fit me on any given day. with trying to manage a home life, a personal life, kids, a hectic profession, financial and school responsibilities it can be a bit overwhelming.

the other day my partner wanted to play... i

knew all day and while i was excited to spend this alone time with her, i couldnt get into the "mindset" to play. i tried perving fetlife, i tried imagining things, etc, but alas... i couldnt get there.

i am a very reactive person to rope. for those

that have seen me experience rope, you know what it can and does do to me. but i say, just because physically im excited, does not mean that emotionally or mentally i am there as well.

i tried my hardest to allow myself to fall into that wonderful headspace that i have come to CRAVE. but alas... nothing. (now i know my girlfriend is going to read this, but that's okay...) i was physically able to enjoy but my head was tossing between the issue that i've been dealing with about being "neglected" by a top i played with on saturday, to oh crap we have a ton of kids on our schedule tomorrow, to damnit where are the dogs, to the kids come home this weekend and they better behave. yep, hard to go into subspace when you're thinking and cannot clear your mind.

how do those of you who can do this at the drop of a dime achieve such a feat? your input will be greatly appreciated. i miss my head being in the clouds and not being able to mentally function for a few days... its a "high" unlike anything i've experienced.

give me my clouds again....

Enigma

When your head spins, I've learned, it does NOT pop off....

2011-10-12T14:30:00.000-07:00

its been a rough few days. lets digress and go back to the last blog and summarize a few things. had a playdate, thought i was okay with things, turns out i wasnt. okay... now to discuss. have you ever waited in line for a roller coaster, you know the one, its brand new (or one you've never been on before), you're super excited to ride it and cannot wait... they tell you that since the line is so long that you'll probably be here for a few hours at least. but you wait... because you want to ride this ride more than anything and you've been dreaming about what it will be like... so the time comes, and its finally your turn. you have your expectations of how it will begin, how the middle will be and then lastly how it will end. you're never 100% sure what your reaction will be to the entire experience but you ascertain that it will be positive. well, i know for myself, if i wait in line for a ride for 3 hours, it better be damn good and meet my expectations, otherwise, the ride is finished forever in my mind....

well, saturday was my roller coaster ride, and what happened after is what left me baffled. i am a sensitive, emotional, occasionally needy, loving, nurturing, affectionate and reactive person. i need feedback. almost on a constant basis. can i tell you that i did not hear from this person with whom i played for 3 days? with a person like myself, this caused me to drop and pull away, become angry, hurt, sad and to a degree wonder what the heck did i do wrong? when something like this happens i tend to pull away, i'll typically say things like, im done, im finished, i dont think i can trust this person again. not like this. not in this intimate way. so lets be honest, how can you let someone bind you, blindfold you, do naughty things to your body ever again when the most basic need of communication, kindness and caring were not met? for me, you cant. not only will i not play with him, but he's pretty much ruined me for anyone to follow. wow... thanks.

have i been the most communicative? no, i havent. i let things build, i keep it inside and then i explode and rather than explode on people who dont deserve it, im doing it here. did i communicate my feelings to this person, no, i didnt and for a very good reason, you've already hurt me, im not letting it happen again. my very own self protective mechanism. i cant trust you to respect my feelings when you didnt respect my heart. plain and simple.

I feel saddened by the events. i feel like i've lost a friend and thats something i cant get back. im grieving this loss... as i would any other friend... but not only do i have my own shattered ego, my shattered heart, my shattered psyche, and now my altered image of myself... but also, a lot of our friends are ones we share... so that makes life even more difficult. what will i do? i wont be attending any events, not ones where he'll be around, at least not until i find the strength to mend my damaged ego, and to a degree, my heart. but in given time, i'll get through this... i always do... and i always will.

Enigma

So I was asked to create a journal. First entry.

2011-10-09T10:55:00.000-07:00

sometimes its okay to be metaphorically naked... so to speak.

so i was asked to create a journal by a good friend who is presently serving as my mentor/protector/friend. When i met with LadyCherly to discuss my "contract" i felt relatively secure in what i was reading and signing. it seemed like what i wanted. the problem came when i didn't get what i wanted. here i was, wanting to exert my control and make a decision that wasn't mine to make. i wanted full choice/control to play with a mutual friend of ours. someone that is trusted and accepted in the community and someone that my girlfriend feels comfortable me playing with. i wanted to make/schedule my own playtime with this person and while i was given the ability to keep the playdate there were apparently parameters set by my mentor/protector. i was upset because i felt like i wasnt being treated as an adult. that i was incompetent in taking care of myself and my own needs.
so after much talking to my bestest friend in the community, as well as a few other trusted sources that this is in fact was what i signed up for. i wanted someone to keep me safe so that i dont get hurt, so that i can eventually make my own safe choices, and so that my heart/body/mind/soul do not get smashed to a million pieces. i wanted someone to help ease me into areas where i feel uncomfortable, ease me into areas where i feel are out of my reach, and ease me into understanding and accepting some degree of full submission. people who know me well know that while i put on a good facade, i am just as sensitive as the next person and i do get attached easily, i need her protection and her support. so i admit, i was wrong, i got grumpy, i had an attitude, and it was uncalled for.
so the night came and yes, she was right. in whatever fashion they agreed, the night was one that was "safe" for me. i didnt feel hurt/harmed or broken. rather i felt closer to a friend that i dearly care for. i felt "nicely" used and abused, and for a time being, nothing but just "being in the moment" existed. i forgot about all my little quirks, i forgot about how "messed up" my hair had become, i concentrated on breathing and listening and feeling. and it was wonderful.
i've learned its okay to not be right... that its okay to let someone teach me and guide me. that i dont exactly know it all... today is a good day. i feel at peace... and my nipples are sore. so it was a good night. xoxo.

these type things are evil... pure evil i tell you.